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Are codependents self centered?

Codependency is a complex relationship pattern characterized by an excessive emotional, physical, and psychological reliance on a partner. Codependents tend to focus on others to gain self-worth and identity. This leads some to view codependents as selfless caretakers. However, codependency also involves difficulties with setting boundaries, enmeshment, and controlling behaviors, which can appear self-centered. Understanding the nuances in codependent dynamics is important.

What is codependency?

Codependency refers to a relationship pattern where one partner relies on the other for approval, identity, and a sense of self-worth. Codependents often feel responsible for their partner’s feelings and try to control situations to avoid rejection.

Common characteristics of codependency include:

  • Poor boundaries – Becoming enmeshed in their partner’s emotions, needs, and problems
  • Caretaking – Excessive caregiving and feeling responsible for their partner
  • Low self-esteem – Deriving self-worth from other people and relationships
  • People pleasing – Going to extremes to gain approval from others
  • Poor communication – Difficulty expressing needs and feelings openly and honestly
  • Obsessive focus – Centering thoughts on the object of codependency, often a romantic partner
  • Control – Attempting to manage situations and loved ones’ behaviors/emotions
  • Denial – Minimizing or rationalizing problems to avoid conflict

Codependency often stems from childhood experiences such as growing up with a dysfunctional family system, addiction, abuse, or role confusion.

Are codependents selfless caretakers?

One perception of codependents is that they are selflessly devoted to their partners and put their partners’ needs before their own. In some ways, this romanticized view has truth.

Codependents do often assume a caretaker role and feel compelled to “rescue” or fix their partners. They may relentlessly cater to their partner’s desires, provide emotional support, and manage practical aspects of their life. Codependents believe it is their duty or calling to help their partner, sometimes even at the expense of their own health and well-being.

Additionally, codependents are often excessively attentive to their partner’s moods and needs. They may pride themselves on “being there” for their partner. Codependents can perceive their caretaking as virtuous, an act of love.

In these ways, the codependent style can outwardly appear selfless. However, even seemingly selfless acts often unconsciously serve the codependent person’s own emotional needs for approval, closeness, and control in the relationship.

Are codependents selfish and controlling?

Though their actions may look selfless on the surface, some hallmark codependent behaviors also have self-centered roots.

People pleasing

Codependents frequently go to extremes to please their partner and avoid disapproval. This people pleasing stems from a core sense of unworthiness and fear of abandonment. The codependent feels they must put their partner first and suppress their own needs to be worthy of love.

Though aimed at maintaining the relationship, the excessive people pleasing is ultimately about the codependent getting validation, not out of pure altruism.

Enmeshment

Codependents often become overly involved in their partner’s lives and problems. This enmeshment satisfies the codependent’s need for emotional closeness, but it can be self-serving.

Rather than respecting appropriate boundaries, the codependent inserts themselves as an over-functioning caretaker. This allows the codependent to feel needed, in control, and avoid focusing on their own issues.

Caretaking as control

A codependent’s caretaking often includes attempts to manage their partner’s behaviors, emotions, and life choices. The control stems from fear of abandonment and anxiety about the relationship.

Though rationalized as “helping,” obsessive fixing and controlling behaviors reflect the codependent’s own emotional needs and can undermine their partner’s autonomy.

How can codependents appear self-centered?

Though codependents outwardly focus on others, several key characteristics reflect more subtle, self-centered aspects of codependency.

Lack of empathy

Ironically, despite being attentive caretakers, codependents can struggle with genuine empathy. Their hyperfocus on the relationship blocks perspective-taking. The codependent’s advice and “helping” behaviors often fail to grasp their partner’s true feelings and experience.

Denial

Codependents frequently minimize problems and forgive harmful behaviors. This denial stems from fear of conflict, abandonment, and a need to maintain the relationship.

Continuing to support an abusive or dysfunctional relationship allows the codependent to avoid facing their own difficult emotions and the need for change.

Blurred identity

Codependents desperately seek love, validation, and identity through relationships with others. This dependence on their partner for self-esteem derails development of their own values, interests, and sense of self.

Staying enmeshed prevents the codependent from finding a grounded, independent identity. The loss of self in the relationship ultimately serves to keep the codependent trapped.

The self-centered paradox

Codependency manifests in a paradox of caretaking yet controlling, selfless yet self-serving behaviors. The root of this paradox lies in the codependent’s fractured sense of self.

Codependents lack an internalized sense of esteem and identity. This drives them to seek faulty external sources — the relationship, the role of caretaker — to create worthiness, closeness, and identity.

The codependent paradoxically expresses this personal neediness through other-focused, sometimes self-sacrificing behaviors. But the goal remains securing love, validation, and a sense of purpose.

Pathways to change

Though deeply ingrained, codependency can be treated through psychotherapy, support groups, and personal development work focused on:

  • Strengthening self-esteem
  • Developing healthy boundaries
  • Expanding identity and purpose apart from other people
  • Building assertiveness and emotional self-regulation skills
  • Practicing self-care and self-compassion

As codependents cultivate compassion for themselves and develop greater inner security, they become less dependent on others for self-definition. This reduces the self-centered paradox in codependent relationships.

Conclusion

Codependency contains elements of both selfless caring and self-centered control. At the core, codependents are focused on filling internal emotional voids through the relationship. Gaining external validation, identity, and self-worth through caretaking allows codependents to avoid acknowledging their own needs and wounds.

With self-reflection and therapeutic work, codependents can move beyond these paradoxical relationship patterns toward more mutual love. As their inner security grows, their outward focus transforms from desperate dependency to healthy interdependence.