Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. Narcissists tend to have an exaggerated sense of their own skills and abilities, and often exploit others for personal gain. There is an ongoing debate among psychologists about whether narcissists are truly emotionally cold underneath their grandiose exterior.
What is narcissism?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) representing the extreme end. The DSM-5 criteria for NPD include:
- Grandiosity and feelings of self-importance
- Fantasies of success, power, and attractiveness
- Belief they are special and should only associate with other high-status people
- Need for excessive admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Willingness to exploit others to achieve their own ends
- Lack of empathy for others
- Envy of others or belief that others envy them
- Arrogant behaviors
Many narcissists do not meet the clinical threshold for NPD, but still exhibit heightened narcissistic traits compared to the general population.
Are narcissists truly cold inside?
On the surface, narcissists often come across as emotionless, cold, and unconcerned about others. However, some research suggests their emotional coldness may be just a facade masking deeper vulnerability.
Evidence of emotional coldness
- Lack of empathy – Narcissists struggle to understand others’ perspectives.
- Indifference to others’ needs – They are unlikely to offer help or emotional support.
- Hostility in relationships – They tend to have conflictual relationships.
- Arrogance and haughtiness – They often act in a superior, patronizing manner.
- Lack of remorse – They rarely apologize or experience guilt over hurting others.
Evidence of hidden vulnerability
- Reactivity to criticism – Narcissists become enraged and lash out when criticized.
- Masking low self-esteem – Their bravado hides feelings of inadequacy.
- Addiction and substance abuse – They may use addictive behaviors to self-soothe.
- Depression and anxiety – Some research shows high rates of internalizing disorders.
- Loneliness – Their relationships tend to be shallow and unfulfilling.
Psychological theories about narcissists’ emotions
Psychoanalytic/psychodynamic perspective
According to psychodynamic theory, narcissism stems from early childhood wounding. The narcissist constructs a superior false self to defend against deeply rooted feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Beneath the cold exterior is vulnerability and shame.
Object relations model
Object relations theorists argue that narcissists struggle to form meaningful emotional bonds. Their social interactions are concerned only with bolstering their own fragile self-worth rather than connecting authentically. When narcissists pursue relationships, the other person exists only as an “object” to validate the narcissist’s ego.
Cognitive-behavioral perspective
The cognitive-behavioral view is that narcissists have distorted thought patterns centering around themes of grandiosity, entitlement, and superiority. Their inflated self-image blocks them from developing emotional empathy. However, they rely heavily on external validation, indicating emotional neediness.
Attachment theory
Attachment theorists propose that narcissism is associated with dismissive attachment patterns rooted in childhood. Narcissists construct a defensive sense of self-sufficiency out of a fear of intimacy. Their arrogant, self-centered facade conceals a frightened inner child craving unconditional love and support.
Are some narcissists more vulnerable than others?
Research indicates there may be subtypes of narcissism that are more or less prone to emotional suffering:
Grandiose narcissism
- More aggression, manipulativeness, and striving for power/success
- Higher self-esteem and lower neuroticism
- Less depression and loneliness
- May have less emotional vulnerability
Vulnerable narcissism
- Inhibited, insecure, and introverted social style
- Higher neuroticism, anxiety, and depression
- Lower self-esteem and life satisfaction
- More painful self-awareness of narcissistic issues
- May have greater emotional reactivity
How do narcissists regulate their emotions?
Narcissists use a variety of strategies, both healthy and unhealthy, to manage emotions that threaten their positive self-image:
Adaptive emotion regulation strategies
- Humor – Making jokes or using comedy to diffuse negative feelings
- Sublimation – Channeling emotions into constructive creative activities
- Suppression – Consciously putting unwanted feelings out of awareness
- Compartmentalization – Segmenting opposing emotional experiences to avoid contradiction
Maladaptive emotion regulation strategies
- Projection – Attributing unacceptable feelings or impulses to others
- Acting out – Expressing emotions through reckless, impulsive behavior
- Splitting – Dividing feelings into “all good” or “all bad” to protect positive self-regard
- Fantasy – Escaping into elaborate daydreams as a substitute for real-life emotional encounters
- Rage – Flying into a violent rage when ego is threatened
How do narcissists respond to emotional intimacy?
Narcissists often avoid or sabotage intimate relationships that require vulnerability:
- Fear of commitment – Reluctance to commit leads to short, superficial relationships.
- Infidelity – Prone to cheating and affairs; easily bored with partners.
- Need for control – Unwilling to relinquish power by opening up emotionally.
- Destructiveness – May cruelly devalue, undermine, or discard intimate partners.
- Game-playing – Use seduction and emotional manipulation to gain power over partners.
For narcissists, true emotional intimacy forces them to confront their flaws and drop their facade of perfection. This feels dangerously exposing so they protect themselves with walls of arrogance and denial.
Can narcissists change and develop emotional empathy?
It is possible, but quite challenging, for narcissists to change ingrained patterns and learn to relate with vulnerability and empathy. Some tips:
- Pursue insight-oriented therapy to understand root causes of narcissistic defenses.
- Identify and challenge core inner beliefs driving narcissism, such as perfectionism.
- Work through past trauma that led to inner shame and low self-worth.
- Develop ability to tolerate strong emotions without lashing out.
- Practice basics of empathy, such as active listening and acknowledging others’ experiences.
- Learn to self-soothe rather than require external validation.
- Commit to authentic, reciprocal relationships that accept imperfections.
With tremendous courage and perseverance, those with narcissistic traits can chip away at their walls and reconnect with their humanity. But it takes high motivation and likely long-term therapy.
Conclusion
While narcissists often come across as arrogant and uncaring, research suggests many conceal emotional vulnerability and suffering underneath their bravado. But their ingrained defenses make it difficult for them to confront their fragility and connect genuinely with others. With motivation and self-awareness, those with narcissistic patterns can gradually learn to regulate their emotions, withstand intimacy, and develop empathy. But for most, the narcissistic facade remains tightly locked in place, protecting their inner shame and profound aloneness from view.