Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance and require excessive admiration from others. Their sense of superiority leads them to exploit interpersonal relationships for self-enhancement. This raises the question – with such problematic personality traits, do narcissists tend to remain single? Or are they able to find romantic partners despite their narcissism?
What is narcissism?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) at the extreme end. The DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for NPD includes:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
- Belief they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- Need for excessive admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitative behavior
- Lack of empathy
- Envious of others or believes others are envious of them
- Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
At least 5 of these criteria must be met for a NPD diagnosis. Those with milder narcissistic traits may not meet the threshold for NPD, but still exhibit some of the attitudes and behaviors listed above.
Do narcissists have trouble finding romantic partners?
Despite their off-putting personality traits, narcissists are not necessarily destined to be single. Here are some key considerations:
Initial attraction
In initial encounters, narcissists can be adept at turning on the charm and charisma. Their air of confidence and dominant personality can be attractive. Narcissists are skilled at starting relationships by appealing to prospective partners’ egos and desires.
Game playing
Narcissists enjoy the excitement of securing new conquests. The early stages of dating or courting can be like a game to them. They enjoy the pursuit and the challenge of gaining someone’s affection.
Lack of intimacy
While narcissists may excel at short-term, superficial interactions, they struggle with emotional intimacy in longer-term relationships. Their inability to be vulnerable and empathize with partners can undermine committed bonds.
Ongoing validation
Narcissists crave ongoing praise, adoration and validation from relationship partners. They seek partners who boost their egos. This endless need for validation helps motivate narcissists to initiate new relationships.
Control and power
Narcissists are prone to manipulate and control romantic partners. The ability to exert dominance over relationships appeals to their sense of grandiosity.
Do narcissistic traits affect relationship satisfaction?
Narcissism tends to have clear detrimental effects on relationship satisfaction and functioning. Research indicates:
- Narcissists report lower relationship satisfaction and commitment.
- Partners of narcissists report greater distress and dissatisfaction in relationships.
- Narcissism is linked with game-playing and infidelity in relationships.
- Narcissistic couples exhibit more negative communication patterns like blame, hostility and escalating arguments.
- Narcissists react badly when partners threaten their power or self-image.
Overall, narcissism erodes relationship quality over time. Narcissists’ unrelenting need for validation and lack of empathy exhaust intimate partners. Their hypersensitivity to ego threats also undermines resolution of relationship conflicts.
Do narcissists stay in long-term relationships?
Despite the interpersonal problems associated with narcissism, some narcissists do manage to stay in long-term romantic relationships. Here are some factors that influence whether narcissistic individuals stay with partners long-term:
Partner’s codependency
Some narcissists remain in relationships with excessively doting, codependent partners. Such partners provide constant validation and praise, satisfying the narcissist’s ego. Codependent partners may be more willing to tolerate the narcissist’s behaviors.
Partner’s submissiveness
Similarly, narcissists tend to fare better in relationships with very passive, submissive partners. The narcissist remains in control while the partner acquiesces to their demands. The submissive partner serves and boosts the narcissist.
Partner idealization
Narcissists need relationships where they can view partners as special, superior beings worthy of their greatness. Partners who maintain an idealized image in the narcissist’s eyes can help sustain bonds. The partner must seem flawless enough to warrant the narcissist’s commitment.
Ongoing ego reinforcement
Relationships are more likely to endure when the partner consistently affirms the narcissist’s inflated self-image with compliments, acceptance of bragging, and expressions of awe or envy. The partner must be a reliable source of ego bolstering.
Control and power
Narcissists are more invested in relationships where they feel dominant and in control. They are less likely to abandon partners over whom they have authority and power. Ongoing control reassures the narcissist’s grandiose ego.
Self-interest
Sometimes narcissists remain in relationships for purely self-centered reasons. They may enjoy the social status of marriage, the financial assets of a partner, or the domestic services a partner provides.
Are narcissists unfaithful?
There is a strong link between narcissism and infidelity in romantic relationships. This association exists for both genders, but is stronger among male narcissists.
Some key reasons why narcissists are prone to cheat on romantic partners:
- They feel entitled to pursue pleasure and validation from anyone at any time.
- They crave the excitement and conquest of new relationship partners.
- Ongoing praise from one partner is insufficient; they want it from endless sources.
- They lack empathy for their partner’s feelings and are oblivious to the emotional consequences of cheating.
- Secret infidelity helps them maintain a grandiose self-image; they feel desired by many.
For narcissists, infidelity affirms their vanity, sense of control, and special status above ordinary social norms. Unfortunately this causes great distress for their committed relationship partners.
Do narcissists prefer casual relationships?
The evidence on whether narcissists prefer short-term casual dating or more committed bonds is somewhat mixed. Some key points:
- Narcissists report desire for long-term mating, but also more frequent short-term relationships and “one night stands.”
- Narcissists enjoy new relationship excitement, but ego-reinforcement may require ongoing validation from a stable partner.
- Narcissists may use short-term relationships as a secondary strategy when primary pair-bonds are not sufficiently gratifying.
- Narcissists thrive on power and control. Casual relationships limit their ability to dominate partners as fully.
- Narcissists crave admiration from multiple sources. Concurrent casual and committed partnerships allow room for infidelity.
Overall, research indicates narcissists are prone to both committed long-term bonds and exploitative short-term liaisons. The central motives appear to be ongoing validation of a grandiose ego and opportunities for power and control.
Are narcissists more likely to get divorced?
Some studies show marital relationships involving narcissistic partners have higher rates of dissolution. There is evidence of greater divorce incidence when:
- Only one partner is narcissistic, rather than both partners being narcissistic.
- The male partner is narcissistic.
- The narcissistic partner is age 30 or younger.
The negative interpersonal behaviors associated with narcissism (self-centeredness, exploitation, infidelity, hostility, etc.) corrode relationship satisfaction over time. Eventually the narcissist’s partner reaches a breaking point and divorce results.
However, in some couples the non-narcissistic partner remains in the marriage despite low satisfaction. Their submissiveness, codependence, or religious convictions against divorce may prevent them leaving the narcissist.
Can narcissists have healthy relationships?
Relationships involving narcissistic individuals face challenges in maintaining intimacy, trust, and stability. However, some experts argue narcissism exists on a continuum and more mild forms may not preclude healthy relating. Specific factors enabling narcissists to have fulfilling bonds include:
- Self-awareness of narcissistic traits and impacts on partners.
- Commitment to managing narcissistic tendencies through therapy.
- A partner with strong boundaries who demands empathy and accountability.
- Focus on mutual support, compromise, generosity and selflessness.
- Seeking shared meaning and purpose beyond ego-based concerns.
With motivation and effort, narcissistic individuals can learn to nurture their relationships in a more constructive manner. But in cases of severe NPD, the prognosis for relationship health remains poor.
Summary
Despite the interpersonal difficulties accompanying narcissism, narcissists are not necessarily more likely to be single than non-narcissists. Many narcissists become adept at initiating relationships by appealing to prospective partners’ egos. Narcissists enjoy the excitement of new relationship conquests and the ongoing validation partners can provide. However, their relationships are generally less satisfying and more unstable than those of non-narcissists. While narcissists crave intimacy, their own egocentrism, sense of entitlement, and lack of empathy often sabotage committed bonds. They are prone to infidelity and controlling behaviors which erode relationship quality over time. Still, some narcissists remain in long-term partnerships, either exhibiting dominance over submissive partners who cater to their needs, or receiving constant praise and idealization. In general, milder forms of narcissism are less destructive to relationships than full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. With motivation, narcissists can learn to strengthen intimacy and prioritize the health of their relationships. But for those exhibiting the full range of narcissistic traits, lasting fulfilling relationships will remain challenging.