Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotions, impulsive behavior, unstable relationships, and a distorted sense of self. One of the core fears that many people with BPD struggle with is a fear of being alone or abandoned.
What is borderline personality disorder (BPD)?
Borderline personality disorder is a complex psychiatric condition that affects around 1-2% of the general population. The main symptoms of BPD include:
- Intense and unstable emotions – People with BPD often experience rapid mood swings and intense emotions that are out of proportion to the situation.
- Impulsivity – Impulsive behaviors are common in BPD, such as unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
- Unstable relationships – People with BPD tend to have intense but stormy personal relationships, oscillating between idealization and devaluation.
- Disturbed sense of self – Those with BPD struggle with a poor or unstable self-image and sense of who they are.
- Self-harm – Self-harming behaviors like cutting or burning are seen in many people with BPD as a way to cope with distress.
BPD often arises due to a combination of genetic and environmental factors, such as childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Treatment usually involves psychotherapy, with options like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and schema therapy. Medications may also be used to help stabilize moods.
Fear of abandonment in BPD
One of the core characteristics of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. People with BPD are extremely sensitive to rejection, criticisms, or perceived slights from loved ones. They may believe that others will leave or abandon them when there is no rational reason for this belief.
This abandonment fear can lead to desperate attempts to avoid real or imagined separation. People with BPD may display clingy, needy behaviors to try to hang onto important people in their lives. Or they react to perceived abandonment with rage, impulsivity, or even self-harm.
The abandonment fear stems from early childhood experiences of neglect, separation, or trauma. But it persists into adulthood and gets triggered very easily by everyday events, such as a friend canceling plans or a partner going away for the weekend.
Examples of abandonment fear
- Panic when a partner doesn’t call or text back right away
- Begging a partner not to leave after a small argument
- Accusing friends/family of abandoning them for spending time with others
- Self-harming after a breakup or feeling rejected
- Lashing out at loved ones as “punishment” for perceived abandonment
Are people with BPD afraid of being alone?
Yes, the fear of abandonment in BPD is closely tied to a fear of being alone. People with BPD often desperately need companionship and relationships to feel secure. When they are single or alone, their abandonment fears are likely to be heightened.
Being alone means there is no one present to validate their emotions or support their fragile sense of self. Solitude represents abandonment and isolation to the BPD mind.
Even brief periods of aloneness, like a partner going away for a few days, can trigger disproportionate panic and despair in someone with BPD. They may believe the period alone is a sign that the partner will leave forever.
Ways the fear of being alone shows up
- Filling every minute with social interaction or distractions like TV
- Constantly seeking reassurance from partner about the relationship
- Not allowing partner to enjoy activities without them
- Experiencing boredom or emptiness during time alone
- Catastrophic thoughts about being abandoned when alone
- Self-destructive acts like overeating or substance abuse when alone
Underlying reasons for the fear
There are several psychological factors that help explain why BPD involves an intense fear of being alone:
Attachment issues
Many people with BPD have insecure attachment styles rooted in childhood. They did not form stable, nurturing bonds with parents/caregivers. This leads to clinging behaviors and abandonment fears in adult relationships.
Low self-esteem
Poor self-image means relying heavily on others for self-validation. Being alone removes external sources of esteem and appreciation.
Lack of identity
Those with BPD struggle to develop a strong, stable identity and sense of self. Being alone means confronting a fragile or empty sense of identity.
Emotional dysregulation
People with BPD have difficulties regulating their emotions. Being alone means coping with emotions without external support or distraction.
Distress intolerance
Individuals with BPD have low tolerance for emotional distress. Solitude is viewed as distressing, prompting desperate attempts to avoid it.
How individuals with BPD can cope
While the fear of being alone can feel overpowering, there are healthy coping strategies that can help those with BPD:
- Practice mindfulness – Mindfulness meditation helps increase distress tolerance and emotional regulation.
- Try dialectical thinking – Accepting the inevitability of aloneness versus connection can reduce fears.
- Build up identity – Pursuing values, interests, and hobbies boosts sense of self and makes aloneness less threatening.
- Increase support network – Having more social supports means less reliance on just one or two people.
- Utilize coping skills – Healthy coping strategies like journaling, relaxation techniques, and exercise can help endure time alone.
- Challenge cognitive distortions – Identifying and reframing irrational, catastrophic thoughts about being left.
With professional treatment and diligent practice of coping methods, individuals with BPD can learn to better manage their fear of being alone in healthy, constructive ways.
Are there gender differences?
Research indicates that there may be some gender differences when it comes to fear of being alone in people with BPD:
- Women with BPD may have higher levels of attachment anxiety and place greater importance on relationships. This could intensify abandonment/loneliness fears.
- Men with BPD tend to have more anger issues and substance abuse problems, which may serve as distractions from being alone.
- Women with BPD are more likely to rely on emotional support or act out impulsively when alone. Men may distract themselves with substances or risky behaviors.
- Self-harming behaviors in response to aloneness may be more common in women with BPD.
- Regardless of gender, BPD involves a maladaptive reliance on others for emotional regulation and self-esteem.
However, these gender differences refer to general tendencies. Considerable individual differences exist; some men with BPD may fear aloneness more intensely, while some women may cope with it better.
Tips for partners and loved ones
If your partner or family member with BPD struggles with an extreme fear of being alone, some tips include:
- Reassure them of your love and commitment to the relationship
- Emphasize that occasional solitude in relationships is healthy
- Encourage them to build their own self-identity and interests
- Set reasonable boundaries around co-dependency
- Don’t make drastic concessions that feed their abandonment fears
- Support their mental health treatment and coping skills building
- Take care of your own needs – seek support if the fear of aloneness feels unmanageable for you too
When to seek professional help
It’s important for individuals with BPD who have extreme loneliness fears to seek professional treatment. Signs it may be time to pursue therapy include:
- Panic attacks or self-harming behavior when left alone
- Relationship loss due to co-dependent, clinging behaviors
- Inability to complete school, hold a job, or meet other life goals
- Substance abuse or other reckless behavior to cope when alone
- Ongoing, irrational belief that being alone leads to catastrophe
- Constant, frantic efforts to avoid being alone
A combination of psychotherapy and medication can help reduce the fear of abandonment and being alone to more manageable levels. With professional support, those with BPD can learn to sit with difficult emotions and build a stronger sense of self.
Conclusion
In summary, an intense fear of being alone is very common in people with borderline personality disorder. This arises from early attachment traumas and persists due to BPD characteristics like poor self-image, emotional dysregulation, and black-and-white thinking.
While crippling at times, this fear can be managed using healthy coping strategies, treatment, and support. With compassion, understanding, and hard work, people with BPD can overcome their fear of aloneness and live fuller lives.