It is natural for a married man to notice and appreciate the beauty of other women besides his wife. However, feeling attracted and acting on that attraction are two very different things. A healthy marriage requires commitment, trust and setting proper boundaries. There is no definitive “yes” or “no” answer to this question – it depends on the individuals involved and their values. With open communication, mutual understanding and intentionality, married men can acknowledge normal human desires while still honoring their marriage vows.
Is it normal for a married man to be attracted to other women?
Yes, it is normal for a married man to notice and feel drawn to other attractive women. Being married does not suddenly switch off a man’s natural appreciation of the female form and sex appeal. A 2017 study found that nearly all men in committed relationships still find other women attractive. Table 1 summarizes the findings.
| Men in Relationships Finding Other Women Attractive | Percentage |
|---|---|
| Men who report still being attracted to other women | 95% |
| Men who fantasize about other women | 98% |
This does not mean married men want to act out those attractions. But it is unrealistic to expect otherwise normal, healthy men to stop noticing attractive women altogether once they commit to marriage.
Biological wiring and evolution
The male brain is biologically wired to appreciate female beauty and be attracted to fertile, healthy-appearing women. From an evolutionary standpoint, this ensures men are motivated to mate with women who can successfully bear children. Though humans are not as captive to evolutionary drives as other animals, these innate biological forces still influence male perception and attraction.
Testosterone
Men’s testosterone levels drive their libido and sexual interests overall. Though testosterone declines with age, most married men still have enough to fuel an active sex drive. Higher testosterone means a stronger sex drive and more interest in the female form. Many men need to intentionally manage these natural urges when committed to monogamy.
Is it cheating if a married man is attracted to another woman?
Experiencing attraction to someone other than a spouse is not automatically cheating. Cheating requires acting on that attraction in a romantic or sexual manner.
Emotional cheating
However, a married man can engage in non-physical forms of cheating. Emotional cheating occurs when a married person redirects emotional intimacy, romantic affection or dependency from their spouse to another person. For example, sharing personal information, confiding secrets, extensive flirting and making plans to secretly meet with another woman can constitute emotional cheating.
Fantasizing
Sexual fantasies about another woman besides a wife do not necessarily constitute cheating. Most men and women in relationships still fantasize about others at times. However, frequently fantasizing about someone specific, like a coworker, friend or acquaintance, can be a slippery slope towards emotional or physical cheating.
Pornography
Married men often view pornography despite being committed to their wives. Pornography provides sexual variety and release. Watching pornography is not technically cheating as there is no interpersonal interaction. However, excessive pornography viewing can damage intimacy between spouses. Partners should discuss and agree upon boundaries for pornography use in marriage.
How can married men manage attractions appropriately?
It takes mindfulness, discipline and active commitment for married men to handle attractions to other women in healthy ways. Here are some tips:
Focus on your spouse
When noticing an attractive stranger, intentionally shift focus back to positive thoughts about your spouse. Appreciate them as a whole person beyond just physical attributes. Remind yourself why you chose them.
Limit inappropriate social media use
Do not interact with tempting women online through likes, shares or messages. Avoid communication that your spouse would feel uncomfortable with.
Establish boundaries
If necessary, avoid spending time alone or communicating one-on-one with a specific woman you feel strong attraction to. Be accountable to your spouse and a support network that strengthens your commitment.
Do not overvalue newness
Remember that the excitement of a new attraction often overlooks deeper flaws. Long-term committed love has unique rewards that surface attractions do not provide.
Focus on intimacy at home
Make sure to prioritize intimate time with your wife so neither of you feel emotionally or physically deprived. Meet each other’s needs to the best of your abilities.
Communicate with your spouse
Honesty and openness help prevent destructive secrets. If you struggle with a specific attraction, discuss it with your spouse before things escalate. Welcome accountability.
Get professional help if needed
If attractions feel unmanageable no matter what you try, seek help from a marriage counselor or therapist trained in sexuality and addiction issues. Do not wait until it is too late.
Do women struggle with attraction too?
Research confirms that women in relationships also commonly experience attraction to others, though often not to the same intensity or frequency as men. In one study, nearly 70% of women fantasized about someone other than their current partner in the past two months. Up to half of women admit being attracted to another person while in a committed relationship.
Some key differences between men and women’s attractions:
More emotional for women
Women’s attractions are more emotionally-based. They are attracted to the way someone makes them feel. For men, physical appearance tends to drive attraction more directly.
More reminiscing for women
Women are more likely to think of past partners, while men fantasize about unfamiliar women. Women reminisce about prior emotional intimacy.
More guilt for women
Societal double standards still influence this issue. Women often feel more guilt and keep their attractions hidden due to stigmas around female sexuality. They fear being labeled negatively for admitting attractions.
Possible hormonal factors
Fluctuating estrogen and progesterone may play a role in women cycling between monogamy and sexual novelty. More research on hormonal influences is needed.
How can couples effectively handle attraction challenges?
Mutual understanding, accountability and commitment help couples navigate attractions in healthy ways. Here are some tips:
Discuss it honestly
Partners should share feelings of attraction at appropriate times and settings. Avoid concealing or enabling secrets. Over time, honesty builds trust and intimacy.
Avoid unhealthy responses
Do not react with hostility, passive-aggressiveness, manipulation or retaliation if a spouse shares being attracted to someone. Address the issues constructively.
Set clear boundaries
Discuss and agree on what interactions are appropriate and inappropriate regarding other men and women. For example, define clear guidelines for work travel, going out without a spouse and communication with others.
Focus on your relationship
Make quality time to actively invest in your marriage. Go on dates, take trips, try new things and share your hearts with one another regularly. Good marriages take work.
Do not become complacent
Spouses should continue courting each other after the wedding. Find ways to keep adding value to each other’s lives and have fun together.
Address relationship gaps
If attractions stem from unmet needs in a marriage, identify the root issues to improve the situation. Seek counseling if communication breaks down.
Practice realistic expectations
Remember that some attraction to others is inevitable. How we handle it matters most. Extramarital attractions do not necessarily mean something is wrong with the marriage.
Conclusion
Some attraction to others is normal even in the happiest marriages. But boundaries and intention are key. With mutual understanding and active commitment, married men can acknowledge natural attraction to other women without threatening the marriage. Wise couples recognize that fulfilling relationships require guarding their hearts, focusing on each other and saving romantic energies for their spouse.