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Can I be a good mum with BPD?

Being a mother is one of the most rewarding yet challenging jobs in the world. For women with borderline personality disorder (BPD), the worries and self-doubt about being a good parent can feel amplified. BPD is a serious mental illness marked by intense emotions, impulsive behavior, unstable relationships, and distorted self-image. These symptoms can understandably raise concerns for a mom with BPD about her ability to be a loving, patient, and consistent caregiver.

The good news is that with proper treatment and support, many women with BPD can and do become wonderful mothers. While BPD presents added challenges, it does not preclude you from being a good, caring mum to your children. There are many effective strategies and coping skills women with BPD can use to manage their symptoms, strengthen their maternal bond, and create a nurturing home environment.

Can women with BPD be good mothers?

Absolutely. With commitment to treatment and self-care, women with BPD are just as capable of being good mothers as women without mental illness. BPD is a highly treatable disorder. Many women see significant improvements with comprehensive dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), medication, support groups, and other therapies. As your symptoms become better managed, you will gain skills to handle the daily stresses of parenting in healthier ways.

It is true that some aspects of BPD, such as emotional instability, impulsivity, and relationship challenges, can make parenting more difficult at times. However, many mums with BPD report that the love for their child and desire to be the best parent possible are huge motivators for sticking with treatment and developing coping strategies. The rewards of parenting can be a powerful healing force.

You may need extra support in your parenting journey as a mum with BPD. Family, friends, medical providers, and support groups can all help provide the understanding and assistance you need to manage stress and feel empowered in your parenting abilities.

Should I tell my child about my BPD diagnosis?

As a parent with BPD, you may wonder if or when you should tell your child about your diagnosis. There is no single right or wrong answer, as each family situation is unique. Some general guidelines include:

  • Consider your child’s age and maturity level. For very young children, focus on modeling healthy behaviors without needing to explain BPD.
  • For older children or teens, you may share basic details about your diagnosis if you feel it will help them understand times when you are irritable or withdrawn. Avoid too much detail.
  • Reassure your child that they did not cause your BPD and it is not their responsibility to fix it.
  • Emphasize that you are committed to treatment and taking care of your mental health.
  • Let them know you will always love them, even if you struggle with your emotions at times.

If you decide to talk to your child about BPD, do so in an age-appropriate way. The goal is to give them enough information to feel secure, without worrying them. Focus on highlighting your coping strategies and the many ways you love being their parent.

How does BPD impact parenting?

Some of the characteristic BPD traits that can make parenting extra challenging include:

Emotional dysregulation

Intense and rapidly shifting moods can make it hard for a mom with BPD to respond calmly and consistently to her child. You may become frustrated more easily or lash out when feeling overwhelmed. With therapy, you can learn skills to better manage reactivity.

Impulsivity

Impulsive behaviors like substance abuse, reckless spending, and risky sexual behavior can jeopardize a parent’s ability to provide safety and stability for a child. Treatment helps increase self-control.

Unstable relationships

Rocky relationships and fear of abandonment associated with BPD can impact the bonding between mother and child. A mom may feel hurt or rejected by normal child behaviors. Building relationship skills in therapy can help.

Distorted self-image

Low self-esteem or a negative self-view may cause a mom with BPD to question her parenting capabilities and feel inadequate. Treatment helps build a more positive sense of self.

Stress intolerance

A lower threshold for stress makes everyday parenting duties more taxing for mothers with BPD. Parenthood inevitably involves stress! Improving coping abilities through DBT makes parenting less overwhelming.

While the impact of BPD on parenting is real, it is important not to catastrophize it. All mums have moments of losing patience, feeling insecure in the role, or making mistakes. With added support and proper treatment, the symptoms become very manageable.

Tips for being a good mum with BPD

You can be an amazing mum, even with the added challenges of BPD. Here are some proactive tips:

Get professional treatment

Getting ongoing therapy, coaching, and medication (if needed) to manage your BPD symptoms is essential. Treatment empowers you with skills to better regulate emotions, improve relationships, and make healthy choices.

Build your support network

Don’t go it alone. Having family, friends, community resources, and support groups you can turn to makes all the difference. They can provide help during times you feel overwhelmed.

Take time for self-care

Make sure to take breaks, get proper rest, eat well, and do activities you enjoy. Taking care of your own needs helps you be emotionally available for your children.

Learn parenting skills

If you lack good parental role models, classes can teach you positive discipline, age-appropriate expectations, communication techniques and other parenting competencies.

Explain emotions calmly

When you do get upset, then apologize and calmly explain the emotion to your child after you have regulated again. Model how to handle difficult feelings productively.

Keep a schedule and routine

Structure and predictability help create a sense of safety for kids. Make sure to balance activities and free play.

Give unconditional love

Make sure your child knows you love them dearly, even when your emotions are strained. Your bond will provide them security.

Have realistic expectations

Kids act out, make messes, and disobey sometimes. Those are normal childhood behaviors. BPD can make parents hyper-critical. Strive for realistic standards.

With support and personal dedication, you have every chance of being the amazing mum you want to be, despite the challenges of BPD. Have faith in yourself!

Parenting with BPD success stories

To inspire hope, here are some real-life examples of mothers who manage their BPD symptoms effectively and feel empowered in their parenting role:

Sarah’s story

“When I first had my baby, my BPD made me really short-tempered and anxious. I was overwhelmed and unsure I could be a fit parent. But I started therapy and medication. Now that my symptoms are more controlled, I can stay calmly focused, even during tantrums. My son knows he’s loved.”

Amanda’s story

“I used to yell and cry for hours when my toddlers misbehaved. It made me feel like a failure. Joining a BPD mom’s support group helped tremendously. We share tips and encourage each other. I’m learning to manage my reactions better. My husband also watches the kids when I’m very stressed. The judgement has lifted.”

Michelle’s story

“As a teenager, my own mom’s BPD made our relationship very rocky. When I had a baby, my worst fear was passing that on. Through therapy, parenting classes, and surrounding myself with a support system, I’ve been able to create a safe, loving household for my daughter. She is thriving and so am I.”

As you can see, with proper treatment and support, success as a parent is absolutely possible with BPD. You are stronger than you know.

Conclusion

Being both a mom and an individual with BPD undoubtedly has unique challenges. However, it does not preclude you from being a wonderful, loving parent. Committing to effective treatment, utilizing support, and implementing positive parenting strategies allows many mums with BPD to manage their symptoms and feel empowered in their parenting roles.

Yes, you will likely face tougher moments than a parent without BPD. With support, perseverance, and self-compassion, you can absolutely be the loving, nurturing mum you strive to be – BPD and all. Seek any help you need, filter out judgement, and believe in yourself. You’ve got this!