Lack of intimacy in a marriage can take a serious toll on the relationship and lead one or both partners to question whether divorce is the right option. While intimacy issues alone are not grounds for divorce in most places, they can contribute to irreconcilable differences that may make divorce an option to consider. This article will explore whether lack of intimacy is a valid reason for seeking divorce and things to consider before making that decision.
What constitutes lack of intimacy?
Intimacy encompasses more than just sex. It includes emotional and intellectual connections between partners as well. Signs that intimacy is lacking in a marriage include:
- Little or no sex
- No affectionate touching or physical closeness
- Partners feel emotionally distant
- Poor communication or lack of openness
- Spending little quality time together
- Drifting apart intellectually
If one or both partners feel the marriage is missing these elements of connection, there may be a problematic lack of intimacy present.
Why lack of intimacy occurs
There are many potential reasons that intimacy issues crop up in a marriage, including:
- Medical problems – Health conditions or medications may affect libido or energy levels.
- Priorities drift – Partners may get overly focused on jobs, kids, hobbies etc. at the expense of the relationship.
- Poor communication – Partners don’t share feelings, needs and desires openly.
- Unresolved conflicts – Lingering fights and built-up resentment create emotional distance.
- Infidelity – Cheating causes a loss of trust and damage to the emotional bond.
- Diverging interests – A lack of shared interests and intellectual connections.
- Mental health issues – Conditions like depression or anxiety can affect intimacy.
In some cases, the issues driving the intimacy problems may be temporary or addressable. In other cases, lack of intimacy may point to more serious compatibility or relationship problems.
Is lack of intimacy grounds for divorce?
Lack of intimacy or sex alone is not considered valid legal grounds for divorce in most places. However, it can contribute to other legally recognized grounds like:
- Adultery – In some places, prolonged lack of sex may be considered evidence of adultery if one partner seeks it elsewhere.
- Abandonment – Refusing intimacy for an extended period may indicate abandonment.
- Cruelty – Withholding intimacy to punish or control a partner may be viewed as mental cruelty.
- Irreconcilable differences – If intimacy issues cannot be resolved, this may demonstrate irreconcilable differences.
If you can show that the lack of intimacy stems from or contributes to any of the typical legal grounds for divorce, then it may be a relevant factor in divorce proceedings.
Considerations before divorcing due to lack of intimacy
Before deciding to divorce over intimacy issues, consider:
- Your needs – Determine the level of physical and emotional intimacy you need to feel satisfied in the marriage.
- Your partner’s needs – Consider your partner’s desires and abilities as well. Compromise may be needed.
- Communication – Have you expressed your needs and concerns clearly to your partner?
- External factors – Could issues like medical problems or stressful life situations be affecting intimacy?
- Working on it – Have you tried methods like counseling, lifestyle changes, or speaking openly to improve intimacy?
- Dealbreakers – Is lack of intimacy symptomatic of deeper issues making you incompatible?
- Kids – How will divorce impact any children you have together?
- Finances – Can you afford the financial impacts of divorce?
- Support system – Do you have people to lean on during the challenges of divorce?
Taking time to reflect thoroughly before making the big decision to divorce is wise. It’s also a good idea to speak to a marriage counselor or therapist to gain an objective perspective.
Improving intimacy before considering divorce
If you think your issues around lack of intimacy may be repairable, there are some things you can try before opting for divorce:
- Have an honest talk with your partner about what you both need and how to achieve it.
- Make spending one-on-one quality time together a priority.
- Explore new shared interests and activities you can enjoy as a couple.
- Consider couples counseling to improve communication and intimacy.
- Address any individual or medical issues that may be causing problems.
- Be patient and keep trying – intimacy can fluctuate over the course of a long marriage.
- Read books, articles, or take workshops on developing intimacy skills.
- Don’t neglect emotional and intellectual connections – these feed physical intimacy.
With commitment from both partners, many couples are able to reignite intimacy in their marriages. But if efforts fail after a reasonable time, divorce may need to be considered.
How divorce impacts intimacy and future relationships
Ironically, lack of intimacy is also one of the most commonly cited issues for divorced people when dating new partners post-divorce. Some things to keep in mind include:
- The stress of divorce can lower libido and affect emotional availability.
- Post-divorce depression or resentment may reduce interest in or ability to be intimate.
- Being out of practice with emotional and physical intimacy can make it challenging to reconnect.
- Having less time with children post-divorce can impact new dating relationships.
- Intimacy requires vulnerability – and that can be difficult after divorce.
Don’t expect intimacy with a new partner immediately after divorce. Give yourself time to heal before pursuing new relationships. When dating, communicate openly about any intimacy issues.
| Pros of Divorcing Over Intimacy Issues | Cons of Divorcing Over Intimacy Issues |
|---|---|
| May find greater fulfillment of intimacy needs with a new partner | Won’t have partner intimacy at all during divorce process |
| Chance to have a fresh start | Pain, grief and family disruption of divorce |
| Could meet someone more compatible | No guarantee future relationships will be better |
| Opens opportunity to address personal issues affecting intimacy | Lost time with any children during divorce transition |
| Self-esteem boost from feeling desirable to new partners | Financial and emotional costs of divorce can be high |
| Freer to be yourself and pursue your needs | Judgment or complicated feelings from family/friends about divorce |
| Relationships start with high intimacy initially | Emotional baggage can affect intimacy in new relationships |
Conclusion
Lack of intimacy is a valid concern in marriage and a common reason people consider divorce. While it’s not solely legal grounds for divorce, it often links to other grounds like cruelty or abandonment. Before making the big step of divorce, try to improve intimacy with your partner first. Consider all angles of how divorce could impact intimacy as well. Communication, compromise and counseling can go a long way in reconnecting before opting to dissolve a marriage completely.