Kissing before marriage is a controversial topic for many couples. While some view kissing as an intimate act that should be saved for marriage, others see it as a normal part of dating and courtship. Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to kiss before marriage is a personal choice for each couple to make based on their own beliefs, values, and level of comfort.
Religious and Cultural Views on Premarital Kissing
Many religions and cultures have strong opinions on whether kissing before marriage is appropriate or not. Here are some examples:
- In Islam, kissing between unmarried couples is generally not allowed, as it can lead to temptation towards more intimate acts that should be saved for marriage.
- Orthodox Judaism prohibits affectionate touching and kissing between unmarried couples. Kisses between couples are traditionally saved for the wedding day.
- Hinduism considers the act of kissing as an expression of affection that should be reserved for marriage. However, views can vary between different regions and communities.
- Conservative Christianity discourages intimate acts like kissing outside of marriage. Couples are encouraged to set physical boundaries and save such expressions of love for their future spouse.
- Many Asian cultures frown upon public displays of affection like kissing before marriage. Couples are expected to show restraint and modesty.
However, views are changing even within cultures and religions that have historically discouraged kissing before marriage. Some couples are challenging traditions and redefining boundaries for themselves, while others still uphold conservative values around kissing.
Reasons Some Couples Choose to Kiss Before Marriage
While customs and religious beliefs lead some couples to refrain from kissing until after marriage, many others in modern society consider premarital kissing to be acceptable. Here are some reasons couples give for kissing before marriage:
- As a Way of Expressing Affection: Kissing is seen as a normal way of showing care and attraction in a romantic relationship, similar to holding hands or cuddling.
- To Test Physical Chemistry: Couples may want to kiss before deciding to commit to marriage in order to make sure they feel a spark and have physical compatibility.
- Because Everyone Else Does It: Societal norms have shifted, so couples kiss as they follow modern dating practices.
- They Plan to Marry Anyway: Some couples who know they will get married feel it is acceptable to kiss since they are committed to each other, even if not legally married yet.
- Enjoying the Moment: Some see kissing as just a fun, romantic activity to enjoy in the present without worrying about marriage in the distant future.
Guidelines for Kissing Before Marriage
Here are some tips to keep in mind for couples who do choose to kiss before marriage:
- Set physical boundaries. Only do what both partners are fully comfortable with.
- Communicate. Discuss your values, expectations, and concerns openly and honestly.
- Limit intense make-out sessions. Save some special acts just for marriage.
- Focus on emotional intimacy too. Build a well-rounded relationship.
- Prepare for marriage. Consider premarital counseling to strengthen your bond.
The Case for Waiting Until Marriage
Despite shifting cultural norms, there are still compelling reasons why some couples still wish to wait until marriage for their first kiss. Here are some arguments in favor of waiting:
- It is a special moment they want to share only with their future spouse at the altar.
- Saving kissing builds anticipation and excitement for marriage.
- It helps avoid temptation to go further physically before vows are exchanged.
- Their religious beliefs require them to wait for intimacy until after marriage.
- They view kissing as a sacred act that symbolizes total commitment.
For couples who choose to wait, setting clear boundaries and openly discussing their choice with partners can help prevent miscommunications or pressure around physical intimacy.
Risks of Kissing Before Marriage
While many accept light kissing before marriage these days, couples should be aware of some potential downsides to consider as well:
- It could promote going too far physically too fast before commitment is established.
- One partner may get more emotionally attached and hurt if the relationship does not work out.
- It can be a slippery slope towards steadily increasing intimacy that crosses original boundaries.
- If values around physical intimacy differ, conflict could result.
- In religious contexts, guilt may arise for going against beliefs around purity.
Having open discussions and setting clear mutual boundaries can help couples avoid these risks.
The Importance of Communication
Experts emphasize the importance of communication for any couple considering kissing or setting physical boundaries. It’s vital to discuss the following:
- Each person’s beliefs around appropriate intimacy before marriage
- Where each person stands on the idea of kissing now versus waiting
- Any concerns, anxieties, guilt or uncertainty around physical intimacy
- Clear definition of what specific acts are or are not comfortable for each partner at this stage
- Agreement on a plan to express affection in ways that honor both people’s boundaries
Ideally this conversation happens early, continues throughout the relationship, and involves genuine willingness to compromise. With open communication, couples gain understanding of each other’s values and can find an intimate pace that works for them both.
Setting Appropriate Boundaries
Once a couple agrees to kiss before marriage, they must determine what type of kissing and physical intimacy is appropriate for them at this stage. Here are some sample boundaries couples might set:
- Quick closed-mouth kisses only
- Only kissing each other on the cheeks or hands
- Hugging and cuddling permitted but no full make-out sessions
- French kissing allowed but hands must stay above clothes
- Kissing okay lying down but no intense grinding or touching under clothes
- Anything except direct touching of private parts
Naturally, boundaries can evolve over time as a relationship progresses. The key is matching the level of physical intimacy to the current commitment level. If things begin to feel like too much, too fast, revisiting the conversation may be wise.
Alternate Ways to Show Affection
For couples abstaining from kissing before marriage, or just limiting physical intimacy in general, there are many other great ways to express affection, such as:
- Holding hands
- Cuddling without full body contact
- Sitting close together
- Putting arms around shoulders
- Stroking hair or face
- Hugging
- Snuggling while fully clothed
- Quick pecks on the cheeks or hands
- Forehead or nose touches
- Love notes and sweet texts
- Looking into each other’s eyes
- Flirting without physical contact
Focusing more on emotional intimacy through conversations, activities done together, and quality time can take pressure off the physical side of the relationship.
Getting on the Same Page
Disagreements about boundaries may arise if one partner is more comfortable with physical intimacy before marriage than the other. Here are some tips for getting on the same page:
- The person who wants to take it slower should be respected.
- Be willing to have an open conversation about needs and comfort levels.
- Compromise by going at the pace of the partner who wants to wait.
- Focus on emotional intimacy in the meantime through shared activities.
- Reassure that the relationship is meaningful even without physical acts.
- Set revised boundaries based on what both can fully agree to.
Conclusion
Kissing before marriage is ultimately a personal decision each couple must make together after honest discussions and consideration of their beliefs, values, and readiness for intimacy. For those who wait, the wedding day kiss holds special meaning. For those who choose to kiss while dating, setting appropriate boundaries and focusing on emotional intimacy as well can lead to a lasting, healthy relationship.