XOXO is a common sequence of letters used to signify hugs and kisses. The X stands for kisses, while the O stands for hugs. Sending XOXO to a friend at the end of a text, email, or letter is a way to express platonic affection. However, there are differences of opinion on whether this is appropriate between friends. In this article, we’ll explore when it is and isn’t suitable to send XOXO to a friend.
When Is It Appropriate to Send XOXO to a Friend?
Here are some situations when sending XOXO to a friend is generally considered appropriate:
- You have an established friendship where you communicate affection openly
- You are expressing support during a difficult time in their life
- It is customary in your family or culture to communicate this way
- You are close female friends
- You are saying goodbye for an extended period of time
If you have a long-standing friendship where both friends openly communicate affection through words like “love you” or embraces, adding XOXO would likely feel natural. Situations where one friend needs comfort, like going through a breakup or job loss, are also common times to add XOXO to convey your support.
Some families and cultures communicate affection more openly than others. If you have grown up expressing fondness for friends in this way, it would not be unusual to continue that in your adult friendships. Similarly, many close female friendships involve signing off with XOXO as a way to reinforce their platonic sisterly bond.
When you will be apart from a good friend for a long stretch of time, like going off to college or moving to another place, adding XOXO to your goodbye letter or text helps emphasize that you will miss them and value their friendship.
When Is It Inappropriate to Send XOXO to a Friend?
Here are some situations when sending XOXO to a friend would likely be seen as inappropriate or odd:
- It is out of character for your friendship
- Your friend has not reciprocated or seems uncomfortable with it
- You have only known each other a short time
- One or both friends has a partner who may misinterpret the meaning
- Your friendship has romantic undertones or history
Some friends, depending on their gender and personality, may be more reserved about expressing affection. If signing off with XOXO seems out of sync with how you usually interact, it could risk making your friend feel awkward. They may wonder if you are trying to change the dynamic of the friendship.
If you have sent XOXO to a friend before and noticed they did not reciprocate or seemed uncomfortable, it’s a sign that you should refrain from continuing to do so. Similarly, in a new friendship it would be wise to avoid XOXO until you are sure your friend is OK with that level of informality and affection.
In cross-gender friendships, or if one or both friends is in a committed relationship, use caution with XOXO. A partner could misread the intent behind it or feel uncomfortable seeing such affection expressed outside the relationship. The same applies if there has ever been any romantic history between you and your friend.
How To Handle It If a Friend Sends You XOXO
If a platonic friend sends you XOXO, here are some options on how to handle it:
- Reciprocate if you are comfortable doing so. This shows you appreciate their friendship.
- Do not reciprocate if it makes you uncomfortable, but you can still thank them for the kind wishes.
- Have a gentle conversation explaining that while you value their friendship, the XOXO seems unnecessary.
- Politely ask them not to continue with the XOXO if it is romantic and you do not reciprocate those feelings.
The most important things are acting in line with your own comfort level, and communicating clearly if anything is making you feel awkward. A good friend should understand and respect your boundaries.
Gender Differences in Using XOXO
There are some gender differences that influence when people are likely to use XOXO in friendships:
| Women | Men |
|---|---|
| – More commonly use XOXO in female friendships | – Less likely to use XOXO in any friendships |
| – May use it platonically in cross-gender friendships | – Would likely interpret it as romantic interest from a female friend |
| – Express affection openly to same gender friends | – Express affection less openly, even to same gender friends |
These general patterns relate to how emotional intimacy and affection are expressed across genders. Women more commonly have platonic female friendships that involve expressing affection openly through gestures like XOXO. Men are less likely to sign off texts or communicate with same gender friends using XOXO.
In cross-gender friendships, women need to be aware that men are more inclined to interpret XOXO as signaling romantic interest, even if it is only intended platonically. Women should also keep in mind that men tend to communicate less openly around emotions in their friendships, so XOXO may seem unusual to some male friends.
Influences That Shape Views on Using XOXO
Several influences shape people’s views and comfort levels on using XOXO in friendships:
- Cultural background
- Family environment while growing up
- Personality and emotional expressiveness
- Past relationship history
- Age and life stage
Cultural norms surrounding emotional expression, physical touch, and gender dynamics affect what behaviors people see as appropriate in platonic friendships. If affection is openly expressed in someone’s family or culture it will seem normal.
Individual personality also plays a role, with some people conveying affection more easily than others. Past relationship experiences shape comfort levels as well — someone hurt by cheating may be warier of their partner using XOXO casually with friends of the opposite sex.
Younger generations tend to communicate differently than older gens, having grown up with the rise of texting and social media. Younger people are often more open to informal affection like XOXO regardless of gender or whether friendships are longstanding. Older adults may see it as too forward, especially earlier on in a friendship.
Alternative Ways to Sign Off Messages to Friends
If you don’t feel comfortable using XOXO with friends, here are some other warm ways to sign off your messages:
- Cheers
- Thinking of you
- Can’t wait to see you again
- Hugs
- Love
- Miss you
- Catch up soon
You can convey affection without the same connotations of XOXO by using phrases like “Thinking of you” or “Hugs.” Language like “Love” and “Miss you” can also communicate fondness for a close friend. Adding “Can’t wait to see you again” shows you value spending time together.
More casual sign-offs like “Cheers” or “Catch up soon” work well for friends you talk to regularly but want to keep some friendly distance. Pay attention to the way your friend signs off to gauge their tone, and respond accordingly.
Conclusion
Using XOXO in friendships ultimately comes down to the comfort level between two people. There are certainly situations where sending XOXO to a friend is a natural way to express platonic affection and support. However, both friends need to feel this is appropriate and not misinterpreted. It is smart to start off more conservatively until you know someone well and have a read on their style of communicating.
With close friends who have an established mutual dynamic of expressing affection openly, XOXO can reinforce the caring connection between you. But even then, be mindful of contexts like existing relationships that could raise questions or insecurity. When in doubt, aim for warmth that avoids ambiguity.