Can manipulators change?

Manipulation is the act of influencing someone in a deceitful way for your own gain. A manipulator twists facts, violates boundaries, and obscures the truth for their own benefit. Manipulation erodes trust and can deeply damage relationships. So an important question is – can manipulators change their ways, or are they fixed in their patterns?

Table of Contents

What causes manipulative behavior?

There are a few key factors that often contribute to chronic manipulation:

Low self-esteem – Manipulators often don’t feel good about themselves, so they seek to gain power over others to compensate.
Attachment issues – Those who manipulate may have insecure attachment styles rooted in childhood. They fear abandonment and try to control others.
Personality disorders – Certain personality disorders, like narcissistic, borderline, and antisocial PDs, have manipulation as a hallmark trait.

Trauma – Past emotional, physical, or sexual abuse can breed manipulation as a learned coping mechanism.
Addiction – Addictions often go hand-in-hand with manipulation as a way to enable and hide addictive behaviors.

These root causes shape manipulators’ worldviews and drive their controlling behaviors. Without resolving the core issues, true change is unlikely.

Signs someone is manipulative

How can you identify a manipulator? Here are some common signs:

Gaslighting – Making someone question their own reality and perceptions.
Lying – Being dishonest or withholding key information.

Flattery – Giving extreme praise and compliments to win favor.
Guilt-tripping – Making someone feel guilty to get what they want.
Victim-playing – Portraying themselves as the victim to control the narrative.

Love-bombing – Showering someone with affection then withdrawing it.
Triangulation – Turning people against each other to gain control.

These behaviors undermine trust in relationships. The manipulator asserts their power by deceiving, confusing, and emotionally blackmailing their targets.

Can therapy help manipulators change?

Many manipulators do seek help in the form of psychotherapy. With skilled counseling, it is possible for them to gain insight into their patterns and start relating to others in healthier ways. Key elements for change include:

Building self-esteem – Manipulators need to see their own worth outside of controlling others.
Developing empathy – They learn to see others’ perspectives instead of viewing people as pawns.

Managing emotions – Treatment helps them express feelings assertively rather than passive-aggressively.
Making amends – They take accountability and make things right with those they’ve harmed.
Setting boundaries – They respect others’ boundaries and communicate their own directly.

With commitment to the therapy process, manipulators can unlearn their toxic strategies. But change takes time and effort.

Cognitive behavioral therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective approaches for manipulators. CBT examines distorted thought patterns like “I’m unlovable” or “No one will meet my needs” that fuel manipulative habits. By challenging these beliefs and adopting healthier perspectives, manipulators can improve their behaviors.

Dialectical behavior therapy

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is specially designed to treat personality disorders linked to manipulation like borderline PD. DBT focuses on distress tolerance, emotion regulation, interpersonal skills, and mindfulness. With practice, manipulators can manage difficult feelings, communicate directly, and treat others with respect.

Schema therapy

Schema therapy gets to the root of attachment-based issues that often contribute to manipulation. By understanding and rewriting early maladaptive schemas like mistrust, deprivation or defectiveness, manipulators can revise their core worldviews that shape how they relate to others.

These therapeutic approaches, combined with a willingness to change, can help long-term manipulators adopt new, healthier relationship habits.

Can manipulators build trust after change?

Even if a manipulator seems to have changed their ways, victims may still have trouble trusting them fully. Rebuilding trust after manipulation takes time and effort on the manipulator’s part. They must consistently demonstrate trustworthy actions.

Some ways for manipulators to rebuild trust include:

Being transparent – Openly communicating and setting a new standard of honesty.
Respecting boundaries – Not pressuring others and listening when someone says “no.”

Admitting past wrongs – Owning up fully to previous manipulation and its impacts.
Making amends – Doing what they can to make up for harm caused.
Following through – Staying consistent with changed behaviors over time.

With enough time and proof that the changes are real, hurt trust can gradually mend. But the manipulator must accept that the process can’t be rushed. Amends take as long as they take.

Can a manipulator have healthy relationships?

Recovery is possible. A former manipulator can certainly have healthy, happy relationships. But they first must do the work to identify and change their toxic patterns. Even after that, they still need to practice relating to others in positive ways. With diligence and commitment, manipulators can build mutually fulfilling relationships built on openness, respect and trust.

Some keys to healthy relating include:

Compassion – Caring about others’ wellbeing, not just your own.
Compromise – Making decisions together, not steamrolling your agenda.
Direct communication – Voicing needs and working through conflicts maturely.

Personal responsibility – Owning your own thoughts/feelings rather than blaming others.
Self-care – Attending to your needs in healthy ways, not through control.

These principles allow for interdependence without toxicity or scorekeeping. With self-awareness and conscious relating skills, manipulators can cultivate mutually fulfilling bonds.

Signs a manipulator hasn’t really changed

Empty promises of change are common with manipulators. How can you discern if an alleged reformation is genuine? Consider these red flags:

Blaming others – They don’t take full accountability for past actions.
Impatience – They get quickly angry or guilt-trip if trust doesn’t rebuild on their timeline.

Remaining secretive – They continue hiding information and are not transparent.
Conflict avoidance – They shy away from discussions of problematic past behaviors.
Lack of empathy – They brush off your feelings and don’t show remorse.

True change requires brutal self-honesty, discomfort, and perseverance. Situational short-term niceness doesn’t cut it. nor does using therapy as a checkbox without doing the hard work. Look closely for manipulation subtleties that indicate the roots remain untouched.

Setting boundaries with a manipulative person

To protect yourself from an unchanged manipulator, enforce clear boundaries. Effective boundaries include:

Limiting contact – Reduce time spent together to minimize harm.

Ending the relationship – If needed, cut ties completely to prioritize your well-being.
Speaking up – Directly address manipulation as it happens.
Trusting your gut – Don’t second-guess your perceptions of being manipulated.

Seeking support – Consult friends, therapists, support groups.
Requiring accountability – Insist on sincere ownership of problematic behaviors.

While hoping they will change, you cannot force it. Put your emotional and physical safety first. The manipulator alone is responsible for their choices.

When is it time to walk away from a manipulator?

If an unchanged manipulator continues to harm you, you are not obligated to stay in the relationship. While only you can decide your limits, consider leaving if they:

Refuse to acknowledge their behaviors.
Blame you for the manipulation.

Use apologies and displays of change dishonestly.
Cross major boundaries like abuse, cheating, or stealing.
Cause constant stress, self-doubt, depression, anxiety.

Chronic manipulation can undermine mental health and self-worth. Weigh the pros and cons of staying versus going. Prioritize walking away if the relationship is significantly damaging your life.

Finding closure after leaving a manipulator

Walking away from manipulation can bring up many difficult emotions – grief, anger, loneliness, shame, self-blame. These feelings are normal, but beware getting sucked back into the toxicity. Seek closure by:

Feeling your feelings – Process the loss so you can move forward.

Affirming your self-worth – You deserved better treatment.
Surrounding yourself with support – People who validate your experience help heal.
Embracing lessons learned – Reflect on what you need and want going forward.

Focusing on the future – Use your energy for personal growth and healthy relationships.

The manipulator’s choices are no reflection on your worth. With time and self-care, you can regain peace and rebuild the life you want.

Conclusion

In summary, can manipulators change? With commitment to self-work, therapy, and practicing new relating habits, transforming toxic behaviors is possible. But change takes time, effort, courage and perseverance. True reform goes beyond surface-level promises or short-term niceness. Look for consistent empathy, honesty, accountability, and respect. With insight into their patterns and motivation to change, manipulators can have healthy relationships. But if they remain harmful, you must weigh whether walking away is right for you. With or without the manipulator, you deserve nourishing connections where you can be your authentic self.