Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. While most people display some narcissistic tendencies, true narcissistic personality disorder is rare, affecting only about 6% of the population.[1]
Still, many of us have encountered people in our lives who seem completely self-absorbed, entitiled, and unwilling to care about others. When this behavior becomes extreme or disruptive, you may wonder if you can or should tell the person that you suspect they are a narcissist. There are several factors to consider when deciding if and how to approach this delicate situation.
Is the behavior problematic?
The first question to ask is whether the individual’s behavior is actually causing issues or harming others. Many narcissistic traits, such as self-confidence and ambition, are often even prized in today’s individualistic society.[2] Simply seeming arrogant, attention-seeking, or self-promoting does not necessarily indicate a larger problem.
True narcissistic personality disorder involves persistent patterns of disregard for others, along with lack of empathy, exploitation, and grandiosity.[3] The behaviors usually begin to cause significant dysfunction in the narcissist’s life and their close relationships.
Before labeling someone a narcissist, consider whether their actions are problematic to the point of interfering with their work or personal life. If the behaviors are not actively harming themselves or others, it may not be wise to directly suggest narcissism as an issue.
Look for signs of distress in others
A key indicator that narcissistic behaviors have become an issue is if they begin severely impacting other people. For example, a boss who belittles employees and refuses to listen to feedback could be causing major distress in the workplace. A friend who constantly steers the conversation to themselves and disregards others’ needs may damage their friendships over time.
The strongest sign that someone’s narcissism is problematic is if multiple people in their lives start complaining about or withdrawing from the relationship. Personality issues usually only warrant direct intervention when they begin harming others.
Consider your own role
Before deciding to confront someone, also reflect honestly on your own motivations and role in the situation. Are you annoyed for legitimate reasons, or could personal biases be coloring your judgment? Make sure this is not simply an interpersonal conflict, but a clear pattern of the individual harming others.
Also consider whether you have the type of relationship that will allow productive discussion. A spouse, close friend or family member is more likely to have the context and care to deliver a message effectively. Caution is advised in broaching mental health issues with acquaintances or colleagues. Ensure you have strong evidence of a personality problem before risking offense.
Think about your goals
Confronting a narcissistic individual is challenging, so have clear motives before doing so. What do you hope to achieve? Some options include:
- Increasing insight: gently raising awareness so the person questions their own actions
- Setting boundaries: making your needs clear and limiting harmful behavior
- Supporting change: expressing care and a desire to help the person gain empathy
- Protecting others: warning potential victims or reducing enabling
Keep your goals focused on reducing harm and increasing understanding. Attacking or blaming the narcissist will likely just provoke defense mechanisms and denial. Think about constructive ways to address the behaviors involved.
Consider whether anything will change
Due to lack of self-awareness and sense of grandiosity, true narcissists are unlikely to take criticism to heart, even if delivered with care and compassion. Personality tendencies become entrenched over a lifetime and can be highly resistant to change.
Reflect on whether the person has shown self-reflection in the past. Those with milder narcissistic traits may recognize their flaws if you point them out gently. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, however, lack the empathy and awareness needed to meaningfully modify their behavior.[4] In the latter case, interference may just provoke hostility without improving the situation.
Discuss with a professional
If you feel someone is clearly suffering from pathological narcissism, it can help to speak to a mental health professional. They can provide an objective opinion on whether an intervention could help or if maintaining boundaries may be the healthiest option.
A therapist can also give guidance on effective ways to raise concerns showing care and avoid triggering defensiveness. With severe narcissism, group therapy is often recommended so the individual can receive constructive feedback from multiple people.[5] Having discussions individually first may help prepare the person for this.
Try an indirect approach
If confronting the person directly seems risky or unproductive, you can try gently raising the issue in an indirect manner. For example:
- After they tell a story focused on themselves, ask about how other people involved might feel.
- Mention you heard narcissism defined negatively, but wonder if it also has positives.
- Share an article about empathy and watch their reaction.
- Compliment their strengths while subtly alluding to areas of growth.
Indirect methods plant seeds to stimulate self-reflection rather than putting the person on the defensive. With this approach, you must be patient and avoid judgment or irritation. Provide occasional gentle thoughts, but do not push.
Focus on specific behaviors
If you decide direct feedback is needed, avoid vague labels and accusations. The other person will just feel attacked rather than recognizing real issues. Instead, calmly focus on how specific behaviors make you and others feel. For example:
- “I feel overwhelmed when you steer every conversation back to yourself.”
- “It hurts me when you dismiss my accomplishments as unimportant.”
- “I would appreciate if you would ask about how my job interview went.”
Stick to your own emotions rather than labeling their intentions. Describe the problematic actions and concrete effects they have, rather than making general claims about their character.
Suggest counseling or therapy
For individuals willing to engage, recommend seeking professional care as a supportive next step. Find a therapist experienced in treating narcissism and empathetic listening. Avoid framing this as “getting help for your narcissism” which may sound derogatory. For example:
- “A counselor could help develop more self-awareness about our communication issues.”
- “I heard therapy can teach skills for having empathy. I think we both could benefit from that.”
Position counseling as a method of growth and improving the relationship, rather than “fixing” the narcissist. Recommend couples therapy as an option if both people are open to it. Offer to accompany them to an initial session if this lowers resistance.
Establish boundaries
While hoping for internal change, also protect yourself and others from harmful behaviors. Make expectations and restrictions clear such as:
- Set limits on conversation topics or demand equal time for others
- Don’t tolerate guilt trips, threats, hostility or verbal abuse
- End conversations that feel unproductive
- Reduce contact if the person won’t respect requests for change
Boundaries require enforcement through calmly walking away or limiting contact if they are crossed. Though difficult, setting firm expectations while remaining kind can be the most realistic way to manage extreme narcissism.
Enlist help from others
Don’t try to take on the challenge alone. Ask trusted friends, family or a therapist to provide support and perspective. When confronting problematic behaviors as a united front, the message becomes much harder to ignore or rationalize.
Group interventions require coordination and commitment from everyone involved. Ensure you all agree on clear examples of harmful behaviors and constructive communication approaches. Aim to inspire self-examination, not provoke shame or defensiveness.
Consider whether to stay in the relationship
In cases of destructive narcissism, you may ultimately need to sever ties for your own well-being. Building emotional distance can allow contact on your own terms. Or in extreme cases, ending the relationship altogether may be healthiest if other options fail.
This painful choice should be carefully considered, weighing both your needs and desire to help the individual. In some familial or work situations, total separation may not be feasible. Prioritize taking care of yourself while remaining open to positive change.
Conclusion
Telling someone you think they have narcissistic traits should not be done lightly and requires great care and tact. While an honest conversation can increase self-awareness in some cases, narcissistic personality disorder often entrenches behaviors that resist change. Before confronting the issue directly, reflect deeply on your motives and whether any true progress is likely. Indirect methods aimed at stimulating self-reflection may offer a gentler approach. Focusing on setting clear boundaries around harmful behaviors can also send a constructive message for growth while prioritizing your own well-being. With support from others, even those with extreme narcissism may eventually become willing to seek help. But be prepared for resistance, denial and even retaliation. Approach with compassion but be willing to build emotional distance if needed. Any attempts to inspire change must balance care for both the narcissist and those affected by their behaviors.