Do affairs work out long term?

Having an affair or cheating on a spouse is a complex situation that many couples find themselves in at some point during their relationship. The reasons behind infidelity can vary greatly, from dissatisfaction in the marriage, a need for more intimacy, or an attraction to someone new. While an affair may seem exciting and fill a void in the short term, the reality is that most affairs do not lead to long-term fulfillment or happiness.

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What leads to affairs?

There are many factors that can contribute to someone having an affair. Some of the most common reasons include:

Feeling disconnected from their spouse – Lack of communication, intimacy, and shared interests can make one partner seek an outside connection.
Craving affection and excitement – Over time, couples can fall into routine and neglect the romance, fun, and passion in the relationship.
Going through a difficult life transition – Major changes like parenthood, empty nesting, or career shifts can strain the marriage.

Childhood issues or trauma – Unresolved wounds from the past, like neglect or abandonment, may drive some to seek external validation.
Opportunity – Spending a lot of time with a coworker, neighbor, or friend can lead to an emotional and physical bond.

While an affair may make someone feel alive again or help fill an emotional void temporarily, it rarely addresses the underlying issues within the marriage.

Do affairs last?

The majority of affairs are short-lived and end within a few months. According to experts, anywhere between 75-90% of affairs eventually come to an end. There are several reasons why affairs often burn out quickly:

The fantasy wears off – The excitement and adrenaline rush from sneaking around is enticing at first but hard to sustain long-term.
Guilt sets in – Juggling two relationships takes an emotional toll and causes pangs of guilt.

Logistics are challenging – Finding time and places to meet discreetly becomes exhausting.
Trust issues emerge – Without honesty and open communication, insecurities and suspicions mount.
One partner wants more – Oftentimes one person is more emotionally invested than the other.

Without working on the root problems, couples find themselves sliding back into the same patterns even if an affair ends. Some even go on to have serial affairs if their underlying marriage issues are not resolved.

What percentage of affairs lead to divorce?

Experts estimate that roughly 45-55% of marriages end in divorce after an affair is discovered. However, many factors affect whether a couple will split up after infidelity:

Reasons behind the affair – Was it a deep emotional connection or purely physical? Understanding the motives can help with rebuilding trust.

Duration of the affair – A longer-term affair indicates greater deception.
Reaction to disclosure – Is the cheating spouse willing to end the affair and work on the marriage?
History of infidelity – Repeated cheating makes reconciliation less likely.

Pre-affair marital issues – Problems like frequent conflict or lack of intimacy make recovery tougher.
Commitment level – Strong dedication to the relationship provides motivation to work through the infidelity.

While many marriages hit rock bottom after an affair is uncovered, it is possible to rebuild the relationship if both spouses want to make amends.

Can affairs turn into healthy, long-term relationships?

It is estimated that only about 5-7% of couples who started as affairs end up staying together long-term. There are a few key reasons why most affair partners don’t last:

The relationship begins from betrayal – Trying to build a lasting bond when the foundation is based on deceit and dishonesty rarely succeeds.
Trust issues linger – Due to the secretive nature of their involvement, trust is difficult to establish.

Incompatibility – Partners are often not well-matched beyond romantic chemistry and passion.
Differences in values – Moral discrepancies regarding fidelity and honesty are hard to overcome.
Social stigma – Friends and family are less likely to support the new relationship.

Additionally, the excitement and thrill of the forbidden soon wears off when the couple is together full time as a normal partnership. The few exceptions tend to be situations where both people were already disconnected from their spouses and view the affair as finding their true soulmate.

How to know if leaving for an affair is the right choice

Ending a marriage is always difficult, but doing so in order to pursue an affair partner warrants careful self-reflection. Before making any definitive moves, consider:

Your motives – Are you addressing underlying issues in your marriage first or running toward immediate gratification?

Kids – How will this impact your children both emotionally and logistically?
Your values – Does this align with your core principles of commitment and integrity?
The state of your marriage – Aside from the affair, are there irreparable faults or abuse?

Your goals – Will abandoning your family bring you long-lasting joy and fulfillment?

Leaving solely for an affair that likely won’t last is often unwise in the long run. However, if your marriage has been emotionally over for years, an affair may be the breaking point to pursue a more compatible relationship.

How to survive infidelity and fix a marriage

Repairing a marriage after an affair is challenging but very possible if both people want to make amends. Some key steps include:

The cheating spouse must end the affair completely and offer full transparency moving forward.
Address why it happened – Discuss what was missing in the marriage that led to one partner straying.
Rebuild trust slowly through open communication and accountability for whereabouts.

Deal with anger and hurt through counseling, workshops, or support groups.
Re-establish intimacy emotionally and physically outside the bedroom first.
Seek professional help like marriage counseling or therapy.

Focus on shared goals, make new memories, and work together as a team.

While overcoming infidelity is extremely difficult, many couples emerge with a stronger, more mindful marriage if they put in consistent effort to heal.

Conclusion

Most affairs do not lead to healthy long-term relationships, despite feeling exciting in the moment. The secrecy and betrayal involved contradict the honesty and trust required for a lasting partnership. While infidelity often damages marriage, counselors report that couples who sincerely commit to rebuilding their relationship can eventually move past the pain and forge a deeper connection. With time, vulnerability, and professional support, it is possible to survive infidelity and create a stronger union.