This is a common question that many people, especially women, ask after a breakup. The prevailing belief is that men are able to move on from relationships more quickly and easily than women. But is this really true? Let’s explore the evidence behind whether or not men move on easily after a breakup.
The Research on How Men Cope with Breakups
Several studies have looked into how men deal with breakups compared to women. Here’s a quick overview of some of the key research findings:
- Men report lower levels of emotional distress after a breakup than women on average (Perilloux & Buss, 2008).
- Men’s feelings of loss and despair after a breakup tend to fade more quickly over time than women’s (Chung et al., 2003).
- Men are more likely to engage in “relationship replacement” after a breakup, trying to find a new partner quickly to fill the void (Mason et al., 2012).
- Women tend to do more “marinating” after a breakup, intensely processing the emotional loss and analyzing what went wrong (Charny & Parnass, 1995).
Based on this research, it does seem that men move on more quickly after a breakup on average. However, the key words here are “on average.” While men may recover more quickly as a whole, there is significant variability from one guy to the next.
Why Do Some Men Move On Faster Than Others?
There are several potential reasons why some men are able to move past a breakup faster than others:
- Less emotional investment: Some men maintain less emotional intimacy in relationships and are therefore less emotionally devastated when it ends.
- Dating mindsets: Men who emphasize feeling validated through dating and relationships tend to move on more quickly to find that validation again.
- Avoidance coping: Throwing oneself into work, casual sex, sports, or other distractions helps some men avoid painful emotions.
- Social support: Having strong social support helps buffer the impacts of a breakup for some men.
- Personality traits: Traits like extraversion, self-esteem, and resilience allow some men to bounce back faster.
In contrast, men who were more emotionally invested, valued the relationship, lack social support, or have anxious attachment styles may have a harder time moving on.
Do Men Truly Move On Faster, or Just Appear To?
An important distinction to make is whether men truly move on faster from relationships, or simply appear that way on the surface:
- Some studies find men report longing for their ex just as much as women in the aftermath of a breakup (Mason et al., 2012).
- Men rebound quickly in behavior, but that doesn’t necessarily reflect their deeper emotions.
- Men may suppress painful emotions after a breakup more than women due to social norms.
- Outwardly acting “over it” and jumping into new relationships can be attempts to cope with the inner pain.
So while men may seem to move on rapidly, there are often still underlying hurt feelings. These get glossed over more quickly than women’s pain, on average.
How Men Cope After a Breakup
There are some typical patterns in how men cope with breakups that influence how quickly they seem to “move on”:
- Task-focused: Men are more prone to distract themselves with work, sports, or tasks to avoid painful emotions.
- Solution-focused: Men try to solve their pain pragmatically – what actions can I take to start feeling better?
- Forward-focused: Dwelling on the breakup feels unproductive for men, so they look to the future.
- Active coping: Men tend to cope through activity vs. processing emotions, like working out or hanging with friends.
These kinds of coping mechanisms allow men to appear outwardly unaffected. But underneath they are often still dealing with the same hurt and confusion as anyone going through a breakup.
How Long Does It Take Men to Get Over a Breakup?
There is no set timeframe for getting over a breakup that applies to all men. Here are some estimates based on research:
- In one study, most men reported feeling reasonably recovered after about 3 months, compared to 5 months for women (Chung et al., 2003).
- But other studies find it takes men closer to 6 months to start feeling like themselves again after a breakup (Perilloux & Buss, 2008).
- Long-term relationships usually take men longer to get over – one year or more is not uncommon.
- Getting over a breakup fully is often based on when someone starts feeling excited about dating again.
The wide variability in these estimates shows getting over a breakup depends entirely on the individual. For some men, it may be weeks. For others, it could be years.
| Study | Estimated time for men to recover from a breakup |
|---|---|
| Chung et al., 2003 | 3 months |
| Perilloux & Buss, 2008 | 6 months |
| Spielmann et al., 2009 | 1-2 years for long-term relationships |
Signs He’s Not Over You
How can you tell if a guy truly is over you after a breakup? Here are some signs he may not be as moved on as he seems:
- He stays in touch or keeps tabs on your social media.
- He flaunts new relationships or hookups.
- He makes snide comments or tries to put you down.
- He asks mutual friends about you.
- He gets angry, sad, or upset when you come up.
- He’s always the first to view your Instagram or Facebook stories.
These kinds of engagement hint he still has lingering attachment and hasn’t fully healed. That said, every situation is unique – you have to follow your instincts.
When to be concerned
In some cases, difficulty getting over an ex may cross into unhealthy territory for men. Signs to watch out for include:
- Stalking behaviors or harassment.
- Refusing to accept the breakup after months or years.
- Becoming severely depressed or isolated.
- Drinking to excess or substance abuse.
- Angry outbursts or threats toward you.
If you see these signs, it likely means professional help is needed for him to process the breakup effectively.
How Men Can Cope with a Breakup in a Healthy Way
It’s understandable to want to bury the pain of a breakup as a man and skip to feeling better again. But glossing over emotion rarely leads to true healing. Here are some healthy ways for men to process and recover:
- Let yourself feel it. Take time to sit with the sadness, anger, or hurt – even if just for a few minutes a day.
- Express yourself. Open up to trusted friends or family, or journal your feelings.
- See a counselor. Work through complex emotions with an objective professional.
- Avoid numbing. Don’t misuse alcohol, drugs, or casual sex.
- Reframe narratives. Challenge thoughts that you were unlovable or at fault.
- Be patient. Accept that full healing takes time based on the relationship’s length.
By giving themselves permission to feel the loss and leaning on others for support, men can move on in a way that fosters growth.
The Role of Communication in Moving On
For both men and women, having open and honest conversations after a breakup can help provide closure. This can make it easier for men to move forward.
Having a closure conversation
Here are some tips for having a constructive closure talk:
- Have it in person if possible.
- Allow each person to share their thoughts and feelings.
- Reflect on positive aspects of the relationship.
- Discuss what you both learned.
- Thank each other for the meaningful moments.
- Offer forgiveness if needed.
Approaching the talk calmly and openly can provide the inner resolution needed to truly move on.
Setting communication boundaries
It can also help to set communication boundaries after the relationship. For instance:
- Mutually agreeing not to contact each other for a set time.
- Removing (or muting) each other on social media.
- Having a mutual friend be the go-between if needed.
- Keeping any necessary talks brief and pragmatic.
Setting these kinds of boundaries prevents the constant hope (or worry) of hearing from an ex and supports moving forward.
The Role of Self-Reflection
Some amount of self-reflection after a breakup is also healthy for men. Through reflection, they can identify lessons learned to apply to future relationships.
Questions to ask yourself
- What about this relationship was positive?
- In what ways did we grow together?
- How did I contribute to the challenges in the relationship?
- What are my relationship patterns across partners?
- What are my unfulfilled needs to focus on going forward?
Examining these kinds of insightful questions can help men process the loss at a deeper level.
Being constructively single
Self-reflection during the single period after a breakup can also help men:
- Identify their core values and priorities.
- Set self-improvement goals.
- Heal from past emotional wounds.
- Gain clarity on what they need from relationships.
Doing this personal work allows men to truly move forward rather than covering up pain with quick rebounds.
In Closing: Moving Forward at Your Own Pace
At the end of the day, remember there is no “normal” timeline for getting over a breakup as a man. Move forward at your own pace without comparing yourself to what society expects. Be patient with yourself and do the inner work to process the loss on a deep level.
Prioritize coping in a constructive way through asking for support, allowing yourself to feel, and taking time for self-reflection. There are healthier ways to move forward than immediately jumping into another relationship or numbing the pain. Although the temptation is there, don’t just gloss over the work of mourning the breakup.
Lean on other men who have been through similarly impactful breakups for reassurance. With time and intention, you can navigate this life transition in a way that will lead to emotional maturity and growth.