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Do narcissists get heartbroken?


Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have an exaggerated sense of superiority and a preoccupation with success and power. This leads them to have difficulties forming genuine relationships and makes them vulnerable to feelings of emptiness or inadequacy. So when a romantic relationship ends, the question arises: do narcissists get heartbroken like everyone else?

In this article, we will examine the following questions:

Do narcissists form real emotional attachments?

Narcissists often pursue relationships for what the other person can provide them in terms of validation, adoration, resources, or status. Their interest in their partner is primarily selfish, not genuine care or concern for the other person’s wellbeing. However, research suggests that narcissists do form emotional attachments to romantic partners, especially in longer-term relationships. These attachments just tend to be weaker and more insecure than those formed by people without narcissistic traits.

How do narcissists react to romantic rejection or abandonment?

Romantic rejection can represent a major threat to a narcissist’s ego. Infidelity or abandonment robs them of the external validation and self-worth they derive from the relationship. When rejected, they often react with rage and lash out against their former partner. They may denigrate the person, make furious accusations, or attempt to get revenge. However, underneath they are also likely to feel a profound sense of pain, hurt, and humiliation.

Do narcissists grieve the loss of romantic relationships?

After the initial angry reaction, research indicates that narcissists do grieve the loss of romantic relationships much like anyone else. They experience depression, despair, regret, loneliness, and sadness over the breakup. However, they struggle to process these feelings in a healthy way due to their disordered thinking and emotional regulation challenges. Narcissists also find it very difficult to reflect realistically on their own role in why the relationship ended.

The attachment style of narcissists

To understand why rejection affects narcissists so strongly, it’s helpful to look at their typical attachment style in relationships. Attachment theory explains how our early life experiences with caregivers shape the way we connect in relationships. It describes three primary attachment styles:

Secure

People with a secure attachment style had attentive, responsive caregivers. They have positive views of themselves and their partners. In relationships they are comfortable with intimacy and are resilient when relationships end.

Anxious

Those with an anxious style worry about abandonment. They need constant reassurance and closeness from their partner. They have trouble being alone.

Avoidant

People with an avoidant attachment style subconsciously suppress their attachment needs. They are uncomfortable with too much closeness and rely heavily on themselves. They pull away from and dismiss relationships.

Research finds that most narcissists have an insecure attachment style, either anxious or avoidant. Their early childhood relationships lacked proper nurturing, leading them to use maladaptive strategies to get their needs met. These insecure attachment patterns make rejection incredibly painful for them.

The blow to their self-image

Narcissists have an inherent fragility deep down. Their inflated self-image is a façade that hides feelings of defectiveness and worthlessness. The admiration of others helps keep these negative feelings at bay. Romantic partners serve as a constant source of this much-needed admiration. When that partner pulls away, the narcissist is no longer able to prop up their idealized false self. This brings up profoundly painful feelings of inferiority. It’s like a house of cards collapsing. Because their self-worth relies on external validation, romantic rejection delivers a huge blow to the narcissist’s entire sense of self and identity.

Their inability to reflect

Typically, romantic breakups provide an opportunity for self-reflection. For example, someone might think about ways they contributed to problems in the relationship. However, narcissists are unable to engage in honest self-reflection. Their exaggerated sense of superiority means they are unable to see their own flaws and shortcomings. When a relationship ends, they blame everything on the other person and take no personal responsibility.

Without self-awareness, narcissists cannot learn from relationship experiences to become better partners. They are doomed to repeat their dysfunctional relationship patterns over and over. Their denial of reality also obstructs their ability to properly grieve and process the loss.

How a narcissist copes with heartbreak

Because narcissists are unable to deal with the rejection in a healthy way, they resort to various coping mechanisms to make themselves feel better, including:

Relying on others for validation

Narcissists seek out new sources of admiration and praise from other people. For example, they may start a string of new shallow relationships to prop up their ego.

Exaggerating their own desirability

They may brag about all their dating options or their ability to get whoever they want. This covers up the real emotional pain of being abandoned.

Vilifying and devaluing their ex

Since they cannot take accountability for the breakup, they fixate on the ex-partner’s faults. This creates a villain out of the ex to blame for what happened.

Lashing out

They release their feelings by direct rage and attacks against the former partner. Trying to hurt the person back gives them a sense of control.

Substance abuse

Some narcissists turn to substance use to try to numb and avoid their painful emotions. Alcohol and drugs provide temporary relief.

These coping strategies only offer short-term relief for narcissists. They do not help them truly work through heartbreak at a core level.

Can a narcissist change after heartbreak?

Recovery from narcissistic personality disorder is challenging but not impossible. Here are some ways heartbreak could motivate positive change:

Hitting rock bottom

A painful breakup may spark an existential crisis that causes them to confront just how toxic their behavior has become. They realize they cannot go on living and relationships as before.

Seeking help

Crisis can prompt them to pursue professional mental health treatment, including psychotherapy and medication management.

Looking inward

Heartbreak could inspire meaningful self-reflection, particularly if the breakup leads to isolation. Time alone forces them to sit with their dysfunctional thoughts and feelings.

Pursuing inner work

They may turn to meditation, mindfulness, or spiritual practices to foster self-awareness and emotional growth. This builds a sense of identity not contingent on others.

However, it’s important not to place expectations on a narcissist changing. The choice must come from within them, not external pressure. And even with a desire to change, their progress transforming lifelong patterns will be gradual and messy.

The bottom line

Narcissists see themselves as superior, self-sufficient beings immune to feelings and attachments. But in truth, they rely heavily on relationships for validation and feelings of self-worth. When an intimate relationship ends, they suffer emotional pain just like anyone else. However, their disordered thinking makes it nearly impossible for them to reflect on their own behavior and process the grief in a healthy manner. Their inability to tolerate rejection and look inward also makes it unlikely they will learn from the breakup experience. For narcissists, heartbreak both reveals their fragility and threatens their entire sense of identity.