Intimacy is defined as close familiarity or friendship, a private or personal relationship, or an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like.
Narcissism is characterized by an inflated self-image and addiction to fantasy, by an unusual coolness and composure shaken only when the narcissistic confidence is threatened, and by the tendency to take others for granted or to exploit them. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
So do narcissists like intimacy? The short answer is no. Narcissists generally avoid true emotional intimacy in relationships and are more focused on themselves than the needs of others. However, the reasons behind this are complex.
Narcissists Seek Validation, Not Intimacy
Narcissists often seek relationships and intimacy not for closeness but for validation. They want partners who make them look good and feed their self-image of perfection. Rather than reciprocating affection, they use romantic partners as mirrors to reflect back to themselves. They also use seduction and intimacy as a way to gain power and control over others.
This dynamic makes it very difficult for narcissists to experience genuine intimacy and vulnerability with a partner. Their focus remains on themselves, not on connecting with and understanding their partner at a deeper level. They maintain power by avoiding true closeness.
Narcissists Lack Empathy
A key component of emotional intimacy is empathy – understanding your partner’s feelings and being attuned to their emotions. Narcissists often lack empathy and emotional resonance with others. They see relationships in terms of cost and benefit, manipulating partners for their own gain. With little ability to relate to others, deep mutual understanding is out of reach.
Narcissists also have difficulty making their partners feel seen, validated, and cared for – core aspects of intimate relating. Their lack of empathy makes true reciprocity in intimate relationships very difficult.
Narcissists Feel Entitled to Intimacy
Though they avoid authentic closeness, many narcissists feel entitled to intimacy on demand. They expect partners to be available at all times to provide validation and attention. This creates highly dysfunctional relationship patterns.
When partners fail to provide the expected admiration, narcissists frequently lash out with criticism. They may also use neglect, emotional withdrawal, flirting, or infidelity to manipulate partners into providing the validation they feel entitled to. This “intimacy” is very one-sided.
Narcissists Have Difficulty Trusting
Developing intimacy requires deep trust in a partner. But narcissists often have major trust issues. Their sense of entitlement combined with their manipulative behaviors undermines trust. Narcissists also anticipate being manipulated which feeds their own distrust.
They may suspect partners of ulterior motives, jealousy, or sabotage. This paranoia destroys the openness and security required for intimacy. Narcissists’ trust issues also make them highly controlling and possessive in relationships.
Narcissists Fear Vulnerability
True intimacy requires mutual vulnerability – being open about fears, weaknesses, and needs. But narcissists fiercely protect their grandiose public facade. Letting down their guard feels incredibly risky.
Showing vulnerability conflicts with the big, tough, perfect image narcissists work so hard to project. It also gives partners power that narcissists fear may be used against them. Avoiding vulnerability allows narcissists to maintain dominance and control in relationships.
Narcissists Get Bored Easily
Narcissists have a constant need for excitement and stimulation. The daily comforts and compromises of long-term intimacy quickly bore them. They may at first idealize partners, only to quickly become disappointed when new partners inevitably fall short of their outsized expectations.
Narcissists feel restless and trapped when relationships become too predictable and stable. They may abruptly leave long-term partners without warning, seeing them as expendable. Sustaining interest in intimacy is very challenging for narcissists.
Narcissists Have Underlying Shame
Under their grandiose bravado, narcissists often harbor deep shame regarding their true selves. Letting down their guard enough for intimate relating means risking exposure of inadequacy and faults. This causes profound discomfort for narcissists, so they avoid it.
Maintaining control and superiority helps narcissists defend against shame. The openness and equality of mutual intimacy is thus highly threatening, so it feels safer to avoid it altogether or sabotage intimacy when it arises.
Can a Narcissist Change?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Mild to moderate narcissistic traits don’t necessarily preclude intimacy, if the individual has motivation and support for personal growth. However, developing genuine intimacy is extremely difficult for those with severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Treatment involves long-term therapy focused on developing empathy, emotional regulation skills, replacing grandiosity with authentic self-esteem, and undoing pathological defense mechanisms. Even with treatment, the narcissist’s capacity for intimacy may remain limited.
For non-narcissist partners, it is important to set boundaries around unacceptable behaviors and have realistic expectations for intimacy in narcissistic relationships. Partners cannot single-handedly “fix” or change a narcissist. Progress requires motivation from the narcissist themselves.
In Conclusion
While narcissists crave external validation, most avoid the authentic closeness of true intimacy due to factors like entitlement, lack of empathy, distrust, fear of vulnerability, and intolerance for the “boringness” of real love. Their relentless need for control and dominance crowds out mutual openness and equality. For the non-narcissist partner, setting boundaries and having realistic expectations are important in narcissistic relationships.
| Reasons Why Narcissists Avoid Intimacy | How This Affects Relationships |
|---|---|
| Seeks validation rather than closeness | Uses partners as mirrors but doesn’t connect emotionally |
| Lacks empathy | Fails to understand or meet partner’s needs |
| Feels entitled to intimacy on demand | Lashes out when partners don’t provide enough validation |
| Has difficulty trusting | Suspects partners of ulterior motives |
| Fears vulnerability | Avoids openness to maintain power and control |
| Gets bored easily | Loses interest in long-term partners |
| Harbors shame about true self | Avoids intimacy to prevent exposure of inadequacy |
In summary, while narcissists outwardly seek the appearance of intimacy and closeness, the vulnerable openness and reciprocity of genuine intimacy conflicts with their inner need for power, control, and dominance over others. Their lack of empathy, boredom with true connection, hypersensitivity to any signs of being ordinary, and defensive shame all converge to make authentic intimacy profoundly threatening for narcissists. Partners of narcissists must navigate these challenges carefully to avoid being manipulated and harmed.