This is a question that has intrigued parents and researchers for generations. The notion that firstborn children are the favorites has become ingrained in culture and popular belief. But is it really true? Let’s examine what science and psychology have revealed about birth order, parental bonding, and whether firstborns really are loved the most.
The Firstborn Advantage
There are several reasons why firstborn children are believed to be the favorites:
- Firstborns spend more one-on-one time with parents in their early years before siblings come along.
- Parents are often more anxious and protective with their first child.
- Firstborns are often given more responsibilities and seen as more mature.
- Younger siblings sometimes feel like the firstborn gets preferential treatment.
Research has shown that firstborns do enjoy some advantages over their younger siblings. For example, studies have found that firstborns tend to have slightly higher IQs and bigger vocabularies on average. This is believed to be related to the increased amount of quality time spent with parents.
Firstborn children also tend to excel in school and pursure higher levels of education compared to laterborns. Researchers theorize this is related to the higher expectations and responsibilities placed on firstborns both explicitly and implicitly by parents.
Personality Differences
In terms of personality, research indicates firstborns tend to be:
- More conscientious
- More achievement-oriented
- More responsible
- More likely to conform to authority
Compared to their younger siblings who tend to be:
- More rebellious
- More open to experience
- More flexible
- More sociable
These differences are believed to stem from the different niches children carve out for themselves in the family structure.
Parental Bonding
While firstborns appear to enjoy some advantageous treatment, does this mean parents form closer emotional bonds and love them more? This question is trickier to answer definitively.
Some studies using self-reporting from parents have found no differences in how much parents say they love each child. However, outside observations don’t always align with these reports. For example, research has found parents often spend more time talking to, praising, and stimulating firstborns compared to laterborns.
One study that attached heart rate monitors to parents showed their heart rates spiked more when shown pictures of their firstborns, suggesting greater physiological arousal and engagement with those children.
Gender Effects
The gender of both parent and child also seems to play a role. One study found that mother-son dyads seem to form the closest attachment bonds in families. Fathers also appear to favor firstborn sons over daughters.
These findings suggest family structure and gender preferences can interact with birth order in complex ways when it comes to bonding.
Explanations for the Firstborn Bond
Psychologists have proposed several explanations for why firstborns seem to have an advantage when it comes to bonding:
- Novelty – The experience of having a first child is new and exciting for parents, leading to increased engagement.
- Pride – Parents feel pride in their firstborn, who represents a milestone and achievement in their lives.
- Expectations – Firstborns are expected to set an example and take on more responsibility.
- Stability – Firstborn children have a period of stability before the family dynamic changes with a new sibling.
These factors may contribute to firstborns becoming the “golden child” who can do no wrong in their parents’ eyes. Of course, such favoritism can be damaging and unfair to laterborn siblings.
Younger Siblings’ Perspectives
While little hard evidence confirms younger or middle children are less loved by their parents, many do perceive unequal treatment. Some common complaints include:
- Firstborns get more attention, care, and support from parents.
- Parents are more lenient with rules and privileges for firstborns.
- Firstborns are favored when it comes to family inheritance or resources.
- Parents have higher expectations of achievements for firstborns.
One study interviewed over 700 children and found 66% of younger siblings described their parents’ treatment as “unfair.” This perception can breed resentment between siblings.
Birth Order Stereotypes
The common stereotypes about various birth orders also suggest parental favoritism:
- Firstborn – Natural leader, responsible, people-pleaser
- Middle child – Neglected, resentful, independent
- Youngest child – Outgoing, creative, charming, spoiled
These stereotypes further the perception that firstborns are generally the favored ones. Of course, stereotypes don’t always align with reality on an individual basis.
Effects of Favoritism
Whether real or perceived, the effects of parental favoritism can profoundly impact children:
| Favored Child | Less Favored Children |
|---|---|
|
|
Favored children carry their own emotional burden, but less favored children tend to suffer more adverse outcomes overall. Therapists say parental favoritism is one of the most common underlying sources of sibling rivalry and family dysfunction.
Nature vs. Nurture
Clearly, birth order on its own does not determine personality or why parents form closer bonds with some children. Nature (innate disposition) and nurture (upbringing) both play a role. Some experts believe birth order effects result from social expectations rather than biology.
For example, a study of over 2,000 families found that when children were raised together in early childhood, birth order differences in personality and achievement tended to disappear. The effects were more pronounced when siblings were raised apart from each other.
Parents may also treat children differently based on innate temperament rather than birth order alone. A fussy, difficult child may receive more negative attention, for example. Some studies find that personality is more influenced by changes in family dynamics than ordinal position.
In short, birth order alone does not determine personality or the quality of parent-child relationships. Upbringing, temperament, gender, and changing family structure all play a role that can outweigh or amplify ordinal position effects.
Tips for Parents
If you’re concerned about how your own behaviors and bonding may be influenced by birth order, some tips include:
- Being aware of and checking unconscious biases or assumptions about children based on their birth order.
- Ensuring children have equal opportunities, responsibilities, discipline, and affection from parents.
- Spending one-on-one time with each child engaged in activities they enjoy.
- Cultivating relationships between siblings through shared activities and promoting closeness.
- Avoiding language like “favorite child” or comparisons between siblings.
- Explaining to children reasons for any necessary differences in treatment.
Focus on Needs
Rather than taking a blanket approach based on birth order, focus on each child’s unique and evolving needs. For example, older children may need more expectations and responsibility, while energetic youngsters need more active playtime. When differences in treatment reflect different needs, it is less likely to be perceived as favoritism.
The Verdict
Do parents really love their firstborns the most? While subtle preferential treatment is common, it is difficult to conclude definitively that firstborn children are loved more. Parental bonding is complex and multi-faceted, influenced by birth order effects, gender preferences, temperament, family structure, cultural values about primogeniture, and children’s changing developmental needs.
The perception of unequal affection, whether accurate or not, can have lasting impacts on siblings. While giving special attention to the first child is natural, parents should be aware of inherent biases and ensure all children feel valued.
With mindful parenting, the negative effects of real or perceived favoritism based on birth order can be mitigated. This allows children of all ages to enjoy the benefits of growing up in a loving family.