Narcissists are known for their grandiose sense of self, lack of empathy, and need for constant validation. This leads many to wonder – do narcissists ever forgive perceived wrongs against them? Or do they hold onto grudges forever? Here’s a look at what research and experts say about whether narcissists forgive.
The narcissist’s view of forgiveness
In general, narcissists have a transactional view of relationships. They see interactions with others in terms of costs and benefits to themselves. When deciding whether to forgive someone, a narcissist will weigh what they have to gain versus lose.
Narcissists tend to be less motivated by repairing relationships and more focused on regaining their sense of power or control. They may “forgive” as a strategy to regain the upper hand or get someone back on their side. But true empathy and letting go of resentment is not their end goal.
Do narcissists forgive cheating?
Infidelity is one of the biggest threats to a narcissist’s ego. Being cheated on challenges their grandiose sense of self-importance and can enrage them.
According to experts, if a partner cheats, the narcissist may:
- View the cheating as a personal attack and want to seek revenge
- Use threats, manipulation, or guilt trips to regain control of the relationship
- Harbor resentment long-term and keep bringing up the infidelity
- Quickly end the relationship and move onto another source of ego-stroking
Narcissists tend to have a “win at all costs” mentality. True forgiveness or acceptance of a partner’s infidelity conflicts with their worldview. They may pretend to forgive for strategic reasons, but are unlikely to let go of the resentment.
Do narcissists ever forgive emotional abuse?
Narcissistic people often emotionally abuse romantic partners through gaslighting, verbal attacks, love bombing followed by withdrawal, and other manipulative tactics.
If the partner leaves the relationship, the narcissist may try to win them back with promises of change and pleas for forgiveness. They play on the partner’s empathy and hopes of having a healthy relationship.
However, research shows narcissists are unwilling or unable to change their abusive patterns long-term. Their pleas for forgiveness are often rooted in self-interest rather than genuine remorse. They manipulate their partner into giving them another chance, rather than doing personal growth work.
Do narcissistic parents ever forgive?
Narcissistic parents often inflict deep emotional wounds on their children. But when those children become adults and confront them about it, the narcissistic parent typically struggles to forgive or make amends.
Narcissists have difficulty with accountability and often cannot accept blame or responsibility for harm caused. Many will outright dismiss or invalidate their adult children’s grievances. They may gaslight them into thinking abuse didn’t occur.
According to trauma specialists, many narcissistic parents fraudulently ask for forgiveness as a way to regain control over the adult child. They want to reestablish co-dependency, not heal the relationship. True change is rare.
Can a narcissist forgive betrayal?
Experts note that narcissists have sky-high expectations for loyalty in their relationships. They feel entitled to support, praise, and preferential treatment from their partners, friends, family members, and associates.
If someone betrays them – even in a minor way – the narcissist usually Views it as a major transgression. They are highly unlikely to forgive betrayals like:
- A friend choosing to spend time with other people
- A partner questioning their behavior
- A family member failing to take their side
- A coworker getting praise or a promotion they feel entitled to
Narcissists typically cut people out of their lives entirely for betrayals like these, rather than forgiving. Alternatively, they may keep up a relationship but continue passive-aggressive punishing behavior long after the incident.
Do narcissists forgive slights and criticism?
Narcissists crave constant validation. Any perceived insult, critique, or sign of disrespect is like a dagger to their inflated ego. Their excessive fragility makes it very difficult for narcissists to forgive even minor slights.
For example, if someone criticizes their behavior, points out flaws, or asks them to change, the narcissist will likely resent that person for an exceptionally long time. Neutral, well-intentioned advice is interpreted as a harsh attack.
Narcissists may pretend to be unaffected by criticism. But internally they harbor grudges and fantasize about getting revenge on anyone who dares to judge or insult them. True forgiveness rarely occurs.
Can a narcissist forgive divorce or separation?
Healthy people can sometimes forgive and let go after a marriage ends. But for narcissists, divorce or separation represents ultimate rejection. Their spouse is seen as a traitor who failed to provide them with the endless adulation they feel entitled to.
According to therapists, narcissists often never forgive their ex-spouse for leaving them. Post-divorce, they may:
- Verbally attack and try to humiliate their ex in public
- Spread false rumors trying to turn others against their ex
- Attempt to sabotage their ex’s reputations and relationships
- Object to alimony payments and joint child custody arrangements
- Use lawyers to relentlessly draw out divorce proceedings
Their excessive vindictiveness and inability to let go stems from feeling rejected. For most narcissists, hating and resenting their ex provides a sense of superiority that helps restore their inner equilibrium.
Do narcissists ever forgive? Conclusion
While narcissists may sometimes claim they forgive, experts agree true forgiveness is exceptionally rare. Narcissists hold onto grudges and the desire for vengeance with unusual intensity.
Their inflated ego, lack of empathy, and belief in their own entitlement prevents them from moving past slights and betrayals. When narcissists do “forgive,” it is generally an empty gesture done for show or to regain control in relationships.
Rather than forgiveness, behavioral change, or reconciliation, the narcissist’s goal is often to humiliate or punish those who they feel have transgressed against them. Their extreme vindictiveness stems from a worldview centered around their grandiose self-image.