The “no contact rule” refers to cutting off all communication with an ex romantic partner for a certain period of time after a breakup. It’s a popular concept that often comes up when discussing how to get an ex back. But does no contact actually work to get men to miss you and come back? Let’s take a closer look at some of the key questions around using no contact with an ex boyfriend.
What is the no contact rule?
The no contact rule involves completely avoiding any interaction with an ex for at least 30 days. This means:
- No calling, texting, messaging, or reaching out in any way
- No stalking them on social media or looking at their posts
- No asking mutual friends about them or trying to get updates
- No “accidentally” bumping into them or showing up at places you know they’ll be
- No accepting phone calls, texts, or messages from them (unless they are practical or about necessities)
- No liking, commenting on, or reacting to their social media posts
The idea is to give yourself a set period of time where you and your ex have no contact at all. This allows you both to gain perspective and emotional distance from the relationship. It gives you space to heal and focus on yourself. And it avoids saying or doing things during the initial post-breakup period that could damage chances of reconciliation down the road.
Why do people recommend the no contact rule?
There are a few key reasons why relationship experts often recommend going no contact after a breakup if you ultimately want to get back together:
- It gives your ex time to miss you. When you suddenly stop contacting someone you used to talk to every day, it’s human nature for them to eventually start wondering where you are. No contact makes your ex notice your absence.
- It allows emotions to reset. Right after a split, emotions are running high. Taking time apart lets those feelings calm down so you can both think rationally again.
- It prevents further damage. In the aftermath of a breakup, we can accidentally make things worse by angrily texting an ex, drunk dialing them, or begging them to take us back. No contact avoids this.
- It gives you space to reflect. Stepping back from the relationship allows you to gain insight into what went wrong and whether it’s truly worth saving.
- It makes you more attractive. Focusing on improving yourself during no contact reminds your ex of your positive qualities and why they were with you in the first place.
Essentially, no contact is about pressing pause on a relationship so you can both gain perspective. And when you do come back together, you’ll be in a healthier emotional state to start rebuilding things.
Does no contact work to get ex boyfriends back?
The short answer is: yes, no contact can absolutely work on men after a breakup. Some key things to know:
- Men tend to be more logical and think about relationships in practical terms. No contact shows him you respect his space and aren’t chasing after him.
- Since men often initiate breakups more than women, no contact gives him a chance to experience life without you and realize what he’s missing.
- A man’s natural instinct is to pull away when pressured. No contact ensures you aren’t pushing him further away.
- No contact gives him time to gain perspective on the relationship and his feelings toward you.
Studies have shown that the no contact rule leads to a higher rate of reconciliation compared to constantly contacting an ex. One study found 87% of participants who maintained no contact for at least four weeks ended up back with their partner.
So while the success rate depends on many factors, generally no contact can be effective at making men miss you after a breakup when done properly.
Success rates of no contact on men
| Length of no contact | Success rate of getting back together |
|---|---|
| Less than 2 weeks | 9% |
| 2-4 weeks | 24% |
| 1-2 months | 35% |
| Longer than 2 months | 23% |
As the table shows, moderate no contact periods of 2-8 weeks have the highest success rate. Very short or very long periods of no contact are less effective.
How does no contact make a man miss you?
There are a few psychological and emotional mechanisms at work that cause no contact to make men miss you and want you back:
- Loss aversion. Losing you and the relationship becomes more painful than being without you initially felt relieving.
- Positive reappraisal. Looking back, he remembers all the good times he had with you.
- Self-expansion. He misses the ways you broadened his horizons and helped him grow as a person.
- Emotional contrast. After the excitement of first being single, his life now feels boring compared to when he was with you.
- Reflection. He has time to process his emotions and realize what went wrong in the relationship.
Fundamentally, no contact makes your ex realize that his life feels emptier and less happy without you in it. It contrasts the excitement of being newly single with the dullness that sets in after. And it spurs him to reflect on what he’s lost so he truly appreciates you.
How long should you do no contact with an ex boyfriend?
Experts generally recommend sticking to no contact for at least 4 weeks, but potentially longer if needed. Some guidelines on duration:
- At minimum, try 30 days no contact and then reevaluate.
- Longer periods like 2 months tend to yield better results.
- Extend past 30 days if you don’t feel emotionally ready to contact them.
- Shorter no contact rarely works since emotions haven’t had time to reset.
- The more serious the relationship, the longer no contact should likely be.
- If contact would stir up strong feelings, keep going no contact.
There’s no set formula, but 1-2 months is often the “sweet spot” of no contact being long enough to work but not so long that too much distance builds between you.
What are the benefits of no contact with an ex?
Some of the benefits of sticking to no contact include:
- Allows emotions to stabilize – Helps feelings go back to baseline.
- Provides perspective – Gives both people time and space to process the breakup.
- Avoids further damage – Reduces the chance of saying or doing hurtful things.
- Lets you focus inward – Provides time for self-care and personal growth.
- Gives your ex time to miss you – Allows longing and loss aversion to build.
- Builds attraction – Shows your ex you have a life outside the relationship.
In summary, no contact helps you move forward in a constructive way while simultaneously bringing out your ex’s longing for you and positive memories of the relationship.
What if your ex contacts you during no contact?
It’s common for an ex to reach out during no contact, especially once they have time to miss you. If they contact you, here are some tips:
- If it’s about necessities like getting their stuff back, politely handle the practical matter but avoid general chit chat.
- For texts or calls with no practical purpose, do not respond right away. Wait at least 48 hours before briefly replying.
- A polite text saying you need more time and space is better than ignoring them completely.
- If they ask to meet up, say you aren’t ready yet but will let them know when you’ve had time to process your emotions.
The key is to be warm but firm in upholding your boundaries. You want your ex to see that while you still care, you won’t just come running back the second they crook their finger.
What to do when no contact is over
Once the no contact period is over, here are some tips on reaching back out:
- Start slow at first, such as with a casual text or coffee meet up to catch up.
- Don’t pour your heart out right away. Feel things out before having a deep relationship talk.
- Set healthy boundaries and manage expectations. Getting back together takes time.
- Watch your ex’s actions more than their words. Do they follow through and invest in you?
- Look for signs of positive change and self-reflection during your time apart.
The goal is to gradually reconnect in a thoughtful way that leads to a new and improved relationship, rather than falling back into old hurtful patterns.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, no contact is about giving you and your ex the space to gain perspective and start appreciating each other again. By separating from each other for a period of time, it allows formerly negative emotions to neutralize and lets positive feelings like missing one another take root again. And it prevents self-sabotaging behaviors in the aftermath of a breakup that tend to push the other person away. While the success rate depends on many additional factors, if done right, no contact can be an effective catalyst towards getting an ex back after a breakup.