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How can the truth hurt someone?


The truth can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is often said that “the truth shall set you free.” Knowing the truth and living authentically allows people to make informed decisions and live freely. However, there are also many examples throughout history and in our personal lives where the truth has the potential to cause pain, damage relationships, disrupt the status quo, or put someone at risk. Humans have a complicated relationship with the truth that often creates tension between being honest versus withholding information to protect others. This article will explore the different ways that the truth can hurt people and why humans struggle to balance honesty and compassion.

The truth disrupts normalcy and forces change

One major way the truth hurts is by disrupting normalcy and forcing change. Human beings tend to find comfort in the status quo and predictability. When a truth is revealed that challenges people’s assumptions or way of living, it can be extremely destabilizing. Here are some examples:

  • A medical diagnosis – Receiving the news of a serious illness like cancer abruptly shatters someone’s expectations for the future.
  • Infidelity – Discovering a partner’s affair ends the relationship as it was known.
  • Whistleblowing – An employee exposes misconduct, illegal practices or ethical problems in an organization, forcing change.
  • Coming out – When LGBTQ people come out, it often transforms family and community relations.

In all these cases, the truth forces people to face a new reality they weren’t prepared for. Even when change is ultimately for the better, the process of having one’s worldview shaken or relationships altered can be temporarily painful. Being willfully blind to the truth allows us to avoid this disruption. However, living in denial can only work for so long.

The truth makes us confront difficult parts of ourselves or our lives

The truth often forces us to confront unflattering or uncomfortable realities about ourselves or our lives. Facing our own shortcomings and failures head on can hurt:

  • Weaknesses – Having our weaknesses exposed, whether inabilities, fears, or humiliating moments, hurts pride and self-image.
  • Mistakes and regrets – Owning up to past errors forces us to reckon with guilt, shame, or the consequences of our actions.
  • Unpleasant traits – Being made aware of negative personality traits like arrogance, cruelty, prejudice challenges our self-perception.
  • Disappointments – Realizing that our life is unsatisfying confronts us with lost dreams and sadness over roads not taken.

Self-deception and denial often feel easier in the short-term than confronting difficult personal truths. However, this avoidance also limits our potential for growth and change. As the saying goes, “the truth hurts before it heals.” Facing reality allows the possibility to improve oneself over time.

The truth can reveal the flaws of those we admire

Learning unsavory truths about people we admire, look up to or rely upon also has the power to disillusion and hurt us:

  • Leaders – Corruption, abuse of power, infidelity or other misdeeds by politicians, religious figures, coaches or community leaders damages our ability to trust.
  • Parents – Recognizing parental neglect, manipulation, unfairness or even abuse later in life makes us question bedrock relationships.
  • Spouses – Infidelity or other betrayals by a spouse violate marital trust and can make us feel like fools.
  • Friends – Discovering that close friends have lied, talked behind your back or secretly resented you shakes confidence.

These truths force us to re-evaluate relationships, authority figures, and sources of guidance we’ve relied upon. Losing faith hurts and leaves us feeling betrayed. However, blind trust has dangers too. Recognizing flawed character in certain individuals allows us to set healthier boundaries.

Truth brings loss, sometimes irrevocably

At times, the truth permanently destroys relationships, plunging us into grief. For instance:

  • Death of a loved one – Coming to terms with mortality and absence is painful.
  • Friendships end – A falling out due to revealed secrets, values clashing or changed priorities causes friendship loss.
  • Divorce and breakups – Relationships faltering when the truth is they’re no longer working leads to permanent relationship dissolution and mourning their loss.
  • Estrangement – Painful truths about dysfunctional family relationships or abuse can lead to cutting off contact with family.

With divorce rates over 40% and most people experiencing friend breakups and family estrangement at some point, few are immune to the pain of permanently losing connections after a truth is revealed. Even in cases when it is healthiest to let go of people, the grief is still difficult to work through.

Greater awareness can lead to discontent

As the common saying goes “ignorance is bliss.” The more knowledge we gain about the world, the more aware we become of its harsh realities. This greater perspective can breed cynicism, hopelessness and loss of innocence:

  • Poverty – Understanding the depths of global inequality and preventable suffering leads to outrage and sadness.
  • Social justice – Learning the full extent of systemic racism, sexism, homophobia etc. makes the world feel bleak.
  • Environmental crisis – Waking up to the reality of climate change, habitat destruction and extinction leads to climate anxiety.
  • Prejudice – Experiencing or witnessing hate or discrimination firsthand breeds disillusionment.

“Woke” young activists sometimes talk about how they long to reclaim the optimism they had before becoming aware of injustice. However, retreating back into ignorance also feels unethical.

Truth can lead to rejection, judgment and consequences

Telling the truth often means putting yourself in a position of vulnerability, which has its own set of risks and pain:

  • Rejection – Sharing minority views or identities you’ve hidden leads to rejection by those who disapprove.
  • Bullying – People who seem eccentric or uncool are often ridiculed or excluded when truths come out.
  • Punishment – Whistleblowers often face retaliation, firing, legal action or other consequences.
  • Imprisonment – Dissidents and journalists in authoritarian regimes suffer when speaking unpopular truths to power.

When being your authentic self or exposing an important truth leads to persecution, it’s understandable why many prefer living in the proverbial closet. Sadly, prejudice leads to social censure for those who color outside the lines.

Lies can feel safer and kinder than the truth

Given all the ways the truth has potential to cause pain as described above, is it any wonder people so often avoid it? Some examples of “kind lies:”

  • “I love spending time with my in-laws” when actually they drive you crazy.
  • “You look great!” when a friend is clearly having a bad hair day.
  • Exaggerating a child’s accomplishments to give them confidence.
  • Giving a polite excuse when you have to decline a social invitation.

Little white lies that save face or avoid offense allow us to minimize social awkwardness and discomfort. Stretching the truth maintains harmony. Yet despite good intentions, dishonesty has costs too in terms of authenticity, true connection and moral character.

Biases influence whether we see truth as harmful vs. necessary

None of us are entirely objective or righteous judges about what truths must be told versus withheld. Our own biases and agendas play a role. For example:

  • Cheater vs. cheated on – The same affair causes pain differently depending who’s perspective.
  • Parents vs. children – Parents may minimize flawed family dynamics kids find stifling.
  • Employer vs. whistleblower – Each has different interests regarding exposing corporate misconduct.
  • Political party – Supporters are more likely to condemn opposition scandals than their own.

Essentially, we tend to think truth telling is moral and necessary when it supports our interests and worldviews. But revelations against us feel unfair and unnecessarily hurtful. This suggests we should approach declarations of “the truth” with humility, empathy, and recognition of complexity.

Truth and social progress often involve some pain

Despite the short-term dangers and discomfort truth can cause, our social progress as a society relies on it. Significant milestones that changed history for the better commonly involved revealing unpleasant truths that the powerful wanted concealed:

  • Reporting on the AIDS crisis when it was hugely stigmatized.
  • Exposing horrific abuse at psychiatric institutions led to shutting down mental asylums.
  • Photos documenting the Holocaust bringing public awareness to genocide.
  • The civil rights movement revealing ingrained social injustices.

Whistleblowers and activists understood revealing ugly truths was a necessary step on the path to reform. Social change depends on speaking truth to power even when it comes with backlash.

Weighing the value of truth against potential harm

So how do we balance truth versus kindness in situations where revealing information carries a high risk of causing pain to oneself or others? There are no universal rules, but some principles to consider are:

  • Motive – Is your intention to educate, empower and improve life for people? Or to manipulate, punish, or selfishly guard your own interests?
  • Proportionality – Does the value gained from truth outweigh the potential fallout and hurt? Or could equal good be achieved by indirect means?
  • Greater good – Does this information protect or unfairly tarnish reputations? Does sharing serve progress or just satisfy gossip?
  • Reception – Are people capable and willing to receive the truth constructively? Or might more harm than good come from pushing it on the unwilling?

There are rarely easy choices between brutal honesty and deception. Context matters enormously. But relentlessly interrogating our motivations, weighing likely outcomes, and staying compassionate reduces chances of misusing truth.

Conclusion

The truth holds incredible power. At its best, it liberates us and creates a foundation for justice. But truth can also disrupt comfortable delusions, devastate relationships, and cause unwanted pain. Developing wisdom around speaking uncomfortable truths with care is a difficult but important part of moral maturation. For the truth teller, it requires reflecting on what matters most. When dealing with others’ ugly truths, it means letting go of rigidity, showing grace, and allowing room for growth. The path of truth is rarely comfortable, but it is the only honest road to freedom.