Avoidant attachment can make it difficult to determine if your partner truly loves you. Avoidants tend to keep an emotional distance and have trouble opening up in relationships. However, there are some signs that an avoidant partner does feel love, even if they struggle to express it.
What is avoidant attachment?
Avoidant attachment is one of the three main attachment styles first identified by researcher Mary Ainsworth. People with avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally distant in relationships and uncomfortable with intimacy. This attachment style likely develops in childhood if a child’s caregivers were unavailable, rejecting, or inconsistent.
As adults, people with avoidant attachment often:
- Need a lot of independence and space in relationships
- Struggle to rely on others or let others rely on them
- Keep their distance emotionally and physically
- Avoid too much closeness and intimacy
- Have difficulty expressing feelings and affection
Avoidants may love their partners but still feel constrained by too much closeness. Their inability to be open and affectionate can leave partners feeling unloved.
Signs an avoidant loves you
It can be challenging to read an avoidant partner, but there are some subtle signs that indicate love:
1. They make an effort to spend time together
Avoidants value their independence and space. If your avoidant partner makes consistent efforts to see you and include you in their life, it indicates care for the relationship. They are making you a priority despite their orientation towards solitude.
2. They share bits of themselves with you
Avoidants rarely open up emotionally. If an avoidant partner reveals information about their past, family, interests, or other personal details, it suggests trust in you. Avoidants only make themselves vulnerable with people they feel a bond with.
3. They are reliable and responsible in the relationship
Avoidants may struggle with emotional availability but can still demonstrate love through responsibility. An avoidant who remembers important dates, follows through on promises, and reliably meets your basic needs is showing love through action.
4. They feel comfortable being physically close
While avoidants limit emotional intimacy, physical touch may come more naturally. An avoidant who holds your hand, puts their arm around you, or is affectionate in private is likely comfortable with you. Physical closeness requires vulnerability for avoidants.
5. They get jealous
Avoidants are often less bothered by jealousy than anxious or secure individuals. If your avoidant partner gets possessive or jealous when you spend time with others, it suggests they worry about losing you. These feelings stem from a deeper emotional attachment.
6. They make occasional thoughtful gestures
Don’t expect constant gifts or public displays of affection from an avoidant. However, thoughtfulness on special occasions shows an attempt to please you. Avoidants make an effort for people they care about, even if demonstrations of love don’t come naturally.
7. They value you and the relationship
Listen for statements that indicate the avoidant feels lucky to have you and values having you in their life. They may rarely praise the relationship directly, but subtler comments reveal appreciation of you.
8. They compromise on closeness
Avoidants prefer distance in relationships, but may compromise to accommodate your need for closeness. While still limited in what they can offer, the willingness to meet you halfway is a sign of commitment.
When an avoidant’s behavior seems unloving
It’s easy to feel rejected by an avoidant partner who struggles to meet your needs for affection, praise, and quality time together. Remember that their distancing behaviors reflect their attachment style, not a lack of love:
- They need more alone time than others.
- Talk of the future may make them uncomfortable.
- They likely won’t initiate affection or say “I love you” often.
- They prefer practical support to emotional conversations.
- They focus on flaws in you or the relationship.
An avoidant’s limitations can be difficult to accept. Focus on whether they show love in the ways they can, not the ways they can’t. Also, consider if there are times they do let their guard down to make themselves vulnerable with you.
Improving closeness with an avoidant
If you don’t feel loved by your avoidant partner, greater closeness is possible. Avoidants can learn to receive love, even if it doesn’t come naturally to them.
Communicate your needs clearly
Avoidants aren’t mind readers. Tell them what makes you feel loved in specific terms: “It means so much when you hold my hand in public.” “I love when you ask how my day was.”
Suggest small acts of love
Start with simple requests that won’t overwhelm them. “Can you hug me for a few seconds when you get home?” “I’d love it if you could compliment my outfit tonight.”
Reinforce positive changes
When avoidants make efforts to be warmer and more engaged, show appreciation. “It makes me feel so loved when you share your feelings with me.” Positive reinforcement will motivate them.
Keep communication open
Check in regularly: “How are you feeling about our level of closeness lately?” This maintains an ongoing dialogue about needs and feelings.
Suggest new bonding activities
Activities allow avoidants to express love through action. Cook together, hike, assemble a puzzle – shared tasks facilitate closeness.
Offer reassurance
Avoidants worry about losing independence in relationships. Remind them you don’t want total union but intimate separateness.
Have patience
An avoidant opening up takes time. Allow them space while consistently expressing your needs. Change will be gradual.
Deciding if the relationship can meet your needs
If over time an avoidant remains unable to provide the affection you require, you may have to reconsider the relationship:
- Do they show love in their limited avoidant ways?
- Are they making any efforts to be more emotionally engaged?
- Can you feel fulfilled without verbal praise and affection?
- Would couples counseling help increase intimacy?
Avoidants and anxious attachers often struggle in relationships unless both partners are committed to growth. Consider if your attachment needs are ultimately incompatible or if you’re both willing to compromise.
Conclusion
Avoidants show love differently than secure or anxious partners might. Look for signs of care in their commitment, physical touch, thoughtfulness, and attempts to meet your needs. Focus less on their limitations so you can appreciate the genuine love avoidants may feel but have difficulty expressing.