Narcissists are often perceived as self-centered, arrogant, and devoid of empathy. However, the inner experience of a narcissist is often quite different than their external presentation. Understanding how narcissists truly feel can provide insight into their motivations and behaviors.
Feeling Empty Inside
One of the most common internal experiences for narcissists is a sense of emptiness or hollowness. Though narcissists may seem overconfident and self-aggrandizing, internally they often feel deficient and insecure. This emptiness stems from deep feelings of shame and inadequacy that started in childhood, likely due to invalidating or neglectful parenting.
Narcissists desperately try to fill this void within themselves by seeking validation, admiration, and power over others. However, their efforts are usually unsuccessful, leaving the inner emptiness ever-present. The emptiness is also why narcissists constantly need attention and praise – they are trying to fill a bottomless pit.
Fragile Self-Esteem
Despite their grandiose behavior, narcissists often have very fragile self-esteem. Their overconfidence is generally a mask or façade that hides deep feelings of inferiority. Even minor criticisms, failures, or slights can be devastating to the narcissist, as they threaten their compensatory self-image of superiority.
Narcissists are hypersensitive to any signs of rejection, abandonment, or disrespect from others because it reinforces their negative self-concept. They may respond with rage or by devaluing others, but deep down even minor setbacks make them feel ashamed, invalidated, and worthless.
Chronic Negative Emotions
Though narcissists may seem arrogant or aloof, research suggests they suffer from significant emotional distress. Here are some of the difficult emotions narcissists commonly experience internally:
- Anger – Because of their sense of entitlement and hypersensitivity to criticism, narcissists often feel frequently angry or enraged.
- Shame – Narcissists feel profound shame about their imperfect selves that they try to keep hidden behind a facade of greatness.
- Insecurity – Narcissists doubt their own worth and abilities, despite their outward grandiosity.
- Boredom – Narcissists often feel bored or empty, leading them to constantly seek excitement and new stimuli.
- Loneliness – The narcissist’s manipulative behaviors often destroy intimate relationships, leaving them isolated and alone.
- Envy – Narcissists envy the success, recognition, and possessions of others.
These difficult emotions are another driver of the narcissist’s constant need for validation – they are trying to numb or avoid these chronic negative feelings.
Lack of Emotional Empathy
A hallmark characteristic of narcissism is a lack of empathy toward others. Research indicates narcissists struggle with emotional empathy – the ability to identify and care about the emotions of others.
They are often unable to recognize emotions like fear, sadness, or disappointment in other people. And when they do recognize others’ distress, they have trouble feeling concern, compassion, or sympathy in response. This lack of empathy contributes to narcissists’ willingness to exploit and manipulate people for their own gain.
Fear of Failure
Narcissists place tremendous pressure on themselves to achieve success and power. Beneath their grandiose facade is often an intense fear of failure or mediocrity. They refuse to acknowledge limits or deficiencies in themselves. They cannot accept being imperfect or powerless because it conflicts too deeply with their compensatory self-image.
This fear of failure often leads narcissists to become workaholics, drive themselves relentlessly, take dangerous risks, or unethically sabotage others. They will do anything in pursuit of success and avoidance of failure.
Obsessed With Fantasies
Narcissists spend an excessive amount of time daydreaming about success, power, beauty, and the perfect life. These fantasies allow them to feel special and in control, contrary to their deep-seated insecurities. However, they often become preoccupied with fantasy at the expense of real-life relationships and pursuits.
Narcissists may also display feelings of grandiosity through obsessive fantasizing. Some signs of this include:
- Exaggerating achievements and talents
- Dwelling on unlimited success, power, brilliance or beauty
- Believing they are extraordinarily special and unique
- Thinking they can only be understood by other high-status people
- Imagining ideal, perfect love without frustration or inconvenience
These fantasies reinforce the narcissist’s defensive self-image of superiority.
Extreme Sensitivity
As discussed earlier, beneath their thick veneer, narcissists are quite emotionally fragile. Their self-concept rests upon exceedingly shaky foundations. This makes narcissists highly reactive and sensitive to any sign of criticism, failure, or disrespect, which they perceive as threats to their self-image.
Narcissists are particularly hypervigilant around real or perceived evaluations by others. Events that others may consider insignificant often make narcissists feel enraged, belittled, or humiliated.
They may outwardly show indifference, bitterness, or coldness towards others as a means of coping. Inside, they actually feel quite vulnerable, inferior, and distressed by their extreme sensitivity to evaluations.
Engulfment Anxiety
Narcissists often fear intimacy in relationships, experiencing discomfort with deep emotional closeness. This engulfment anxiety stems from fear of dependence on a romantic partner. To stabilize their shaky self-esteem, narcissists need to see themselves as independent, superior beings.
Allowing others to become important parts of their lives challenges this fragile self-concept. It threatens to overpower their weak sense of self and direction in life. Narcissists also often dread being known in an intimate, unfiltered way, revealing their flaws.
These fears motivate narcissists to keep relationships superficial, uncommitted, and focused primarily on the narcissist’s needs. Their engulfment anxiety also makes them prone to cheating and breaking intimate bonds when feeling too close.
Feeling Above the Rules
Narcissists often display a sense of entitlement and overconfidence that can cross into arrogance and recklessness. This disregard for rules and social norms stems from deep-seated grandiosity – narcissists truly believe the normal rules do not apply to their special selves.
They feel justified in pursuing power at all costs, taking unethical shortcuts, immersing themselves in hedonism, rejecting criticism, and exploiting others for self-gain. Narcissists often rationalize their problematic behaviors and insist they are still admirable, while making excuses for their transgressions.
Conclusion
In summary, despite their bold external presentation, narcissists often feel internally distressed, deficient, and disappointed with life. Their fragile self-concept is vulnerable to even small threats, triggering feelings of rage, shame, and envy.
Narcissists engage in self-aggrandizing fantasies and reckless, manipulative behaviors in futile attempts to resolve these chronic negative emotions. However, their coping strategies often backfire, reinforcing the emptiness and isolation narcissists dread.
With professional help, narcissists can learn to develop genuine self-esteem, set meaningful goals, and establish reciprocal relationships. This personal growth allows them to become less reliant on their fragile defenses in navigating life’s challenges.