Building trust with someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be challenging, but it is possible with patience, understanding, and effective communication strategies. Establishing trust requires showing you are reliable, predictable, honest and will not judge or abandon the person.
What is BPD?
BPD is a mental health condition characterized by intense and unstable emotions, impulsive behavior, fear of abandonment, and unstable personal relationships. People with BPD often have trouble trusting others due to real or perceived abandonment in childhood. Their emotions can shift rapidly, making it difficult to form secure attachments.
Why is building trust important?
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. For people with BPD, lack of trust can lead to suspicion, testing behaviors, accusations, and withdrawal. Building trust can help reduce these reactions and promote security and intimacy in the relationship.
How to build trust with someone who has BPD
Be reliable
Being reliable is key to building trust with someone who has BPD. Do what you say you will do. Keep promises and commitments, even small ones. Follow through on agreed plans. Apologize and communicate openly if you cannot keep an agreement.
Be consistent
Aim to be as consistent as possible in your behaviors, emotional responses and availability. Sudden changes can trigger abandonment fears. Keep routines and be dependable. Let the person know if you need to change plans.
Validate emotions
People with BPD experience emotions very intensely. Validate their feelings by listening closely, not judging or criticizing. Say things like “I understand this is upsetting” or “I can see why you feel that way.” This shows you want to understand.
Set healthy boundaries
Set reasonable boundaries and limits from the start. Make it clear which behaviors are acceptable to you, and which are not. Enforce boundaries calmly and consistently. This promotes trust by sending the message the relationship has structure.
Allow trust to build slowly
Do not force trust or demand it prematurely. Let trust develop over time through consistency and positive interactions. Start small by entrusting the person with low-risk things. As trust grows, they will feel more secure in the relationship.
Keep promises and share secrets
Honor promises, even minor ones. If you say you’ll call at a certain time, do so. Follow through builds trust. Also open up about your own life and experiences. Sharing secrets and confiding in the person shows you trust them.
Avoid lies and half truths
Always be honest. Even small or “white” lies can destroy trust once uncovered. Be transparent about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Admit mistakes readily. If you need to withhold information for privacy, explain that politely.
Allow time for behaviors to change
Try not to take distrustful behaviors personally. Remember they reflect the person’s illness, not you. Allow time for new trust-building behaviors to develop through consistency. Change takes time.
Communicate respectfully
Use open and non-judgmental communication. Make “I” statements about your own feelings, not accusations. Listen carefully and validate their perspective too. Respectful communication prevents conflict.
Give reassurance
Offer frequent reassurance that you enjoy their company and are committed to the relationship. Counter any comments about being abandoned directly. Say things like “I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Behaviors to avoid
Certain behaviors can undermine trust. Avoid:
- Lying or exaggerating
- Breaking promises
- Acting inconsistently or unpredictably
- Withdrawing affection or giving silent treatment
- Criticizing, blaming, or making the person feel judged
- Discussing the relationship with others behind their back
Responding to accusations or tests
People with BPD may test you or accuse you falsely due to trust issues. Avoid reacting defensively. Stay calm. Acknowledge their feelings and reaffirm your commitment. For example: “I understand you feel suspicious because your ex lied to you. I’m not your ex. I care about you and I’m here.”
Seeking professional help
If these strategies are not enough, professional help may be needed. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help people with BPD build trust. Couples counseling may also assist communication. Getting professional support together shows commitment.
Being patient
Above all, be patient. Trust takes time to build but can make a great difference in the relationship. Focus on listening, reassurance and reliability. Let the person learn at their own pace that you are someone they can depend on.
Conclusion
Building trust with someone who has BPD is challenging but worthwhile. By being consistent, setting boundaries, communicating openly and avoiding behaviors that undermine trust, it is possible to build a stable, secure attachment. This requires empathy, reassurance and patience. With commitment and compassion, a trusting bond can form.