Feeling underappreciated in a relationship can be difficult and damaging. It’s normal to want to feel valued and cared for by your partner. Here are some signs that you may not be getting the appreciation you deserve in your relationship, as well as tips on how to address the issue.
Signs You’re Not Appreciated
Here are some common signs that you may not be getting the appreciation you deserve from your partner:
They Don’t Say “Thank You”
Partners who fail to express gratitude for everyday efforts and contributions can leave you feeling unappreciated. Things like cooking meals, cleaning, running errands, and planning date nights warrant a sincere “thank you” from your partner.
They Don’t Compliment or Praise You
Compliments and praise are forms of appreciation and validation. If your partner rarely compliments your appearance, achievements, or positive qualities, it can feel like they don’t appreciate you. You may be putting effort into your looks, work, or hobbies that goes unnoticed.
They Ignore Your Opinions and Ideas
When your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are dismissed or ignored, it’s invalidating. A partner who doesn’t listen to your perspective or ask for your input doesn’t appreciate your intellect and unique worldview.
They Don’t Value Quality Time Together
Quality time nurtures intimacy and appreciation in relationships. If your partner frequently breaks dates, is late, or seems distracted when you’re together, they aren’t valuing that precious bonding time. It sends the message that they don’t appreciate you.
You’re the Only One Initiating Meaningful Gestures
Thoughtful gifts, acts of service, physical touch, and words of affirmation are all part of a love language lexicon. If you’re the only one making these meaningful gestures, your efforts likely feel one-sided.
You’re Doing All the Emotional Work
Being the only one to listen, empathize, apologize first, and maintain a calm presence during conflicts is exhausting. It often stems from one partner not appreciating the other’s feelings or needs. This imbalance leads to resentment.
Conversations Are All About Them
Self-centered partners focus conversations on themselves and don’t ask about your life. This communicates a lack of interest and appreciation for what’s important to you.
They Don’t Prioritize Couple Time
People make time for priorities. If your partner chronically puts work, friends, hobbies, etc. ahead of couple time, they aren’t prioritizing the relationship. It’s hard to feel appreciated when you’re an afterthought.
You’re the “Hidden” Partner
Being kept separate from your partner’s family and social life conveys a lack of value and appreciation. It sends the message that your partner is unwilling to make the relationship known.
Physical Affection is Lacking
Physical touch is a powerful way to communicate appreciation in relationships. If your sex life feels non-existent or one-sided, or if your partner avoids non-sexual touch like hand-holding, snuggling, and hugs, it can feel like rejection.
Household Responsibilities Aren’t Shared
Unequal division of chores, childcare, planning, financial contributions, etc. shows a lack of appreciation for your time and energy. Your efforts become thankless while they reap the benefits.
You’re Criticized More than Complimented
Frequent criticism about your personality, abilities, looks, and interests is damaging. Constructive feedback has value in a relationship, but excessive criticism conveys a lack of acceptance and appreciation.
How to Address Feeling Underappreciated
If you see signs that you’re not getting the appreciation you deserve from your partner, there are productive ways to address it:
Reflect on Your Own Behavior
First, reflect honestly on your own behavior. Are you showing appreciation for your partner? Make sure you aren’t guilty of the same negative patterns. Be open to feedback from your partner on how you can improve.
Don’t Bottle Up Resentment
Don’t let unspoken resentment fester. Bottling up feelings of being undervalued often backfires. Have an open, calm discussion with your partner about needing more appreciation in the relationship.
Give Specific Examples
Avoid accusatory language and give tangible examples of situations where you felt unappreciated. This makes it a concrete issue to solve versus an abstract complaint.
Suggest Positive Changes
Propose reasonable, positive changes your partner can make that would help you feel more appreciated. This gives them concrete ways to act.
Check In on Progress
Check in with your partner about progress on more appreciation. Positive change takes time. Offer praise when you notice efforts, however small.
Consider Counseling
If your relationship lacks appreciation at its core, despite efforts, counseling can help. A therapist can get to the root of destructive patterns and teach skills for expressing appreciation.
Examine Your Deal Breakers
If your partner is entirely resistant to change and unwilling to work on showing you appreciation, it may signal incompatibility. Decide what your non-negotiable needs are in a relationship.
Reasons Your Partner May Not Show Appreciation
There are various reasons why a partner might fail to show appropriate appreciation. Understanding potential root causes can help you address the issue in a relationship:
They Have a Different Love Language
Your partner may give and receive appreciation through words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, or physical touch. A mismatch in primary love languages is a simple explanation.
They Have Low Self-Esteem
People with low self-worth can find it challenging to appreciate others. Their mental energy is consumed being self-critical, making it hard to see value in a partner.
They Grew Up Without Role Models
Partners lacking positive role models for affection and appreciation as children may not know how to express it in relationships. It’s a skill they were never taught.
They Feel Insecure in the Relationship
When one partner feels insecure about their standing in the relationship, they divert energy toward monitoring threats rather than appreciating their partner.
They Feel Taken for Granted
Feeling insufficiently appreciated themselves, your partner may withhold appreciation passive-aggressively. Both partners likely feel undervalued in this dynamic.
They Don’t Respect You
Fundamental lack of respect for you as a partner may prevent your partner from seeing your worth. Disrespect presents far deeper issues than appreciation.
You Have Conflicting Values
Vastly different values lead partners to appreciate completely different traits. Your partner likely appreciates things that don’t align with your priorities.
They Have a Personality Disorder
Narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline personality disorders impair a person’s ability to empathize and appreciate intimate partners. Professional help is required.
They Take You for Granted
Complacency and familiarity in long-term relationships can cause people to take their partners for granted. They overlook opportunities for appreciation.
There are Trust Issues
When trust is broken through infidelity, deception, or betrayal, it damages a partner’s ability to be vulnerable. Appreciation requires vulnerability.
The “Honeymoon Phase” Ended
As the initial infatuation phase ends, some couples struggle to transition to less superficial appreciation rooted in genuine intimacy.
Mental Health Issues are Present
Conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD, and addiction create barriers to expressing affection and appreciation intimately.
They Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style subconsciously suppress their emotional needs and distance themselves from intimacy. Appreciation requires vulnerability.
They’re Dealing with Stress
When people are under severe stress, physical health issues, grief, or financial hardship, meeting a partner’s need for appreciation may not be possible.
Resentment Has Built Up
Long-standing anger and resentment over unresolved issues corrodes a partner’s desire to appreciate the other. The relationship feels unsafe.
Tips for Cultivating Appreciation
Both you and your partner can take initiative to cultivate more appreciation in your relationship. Here are some proactive tips:
Express Gratitude to Each Other
Get in the routine of thanking each other for everyday efforts and acts, however small. Don’t take kindness for granted.
Recognize Your Partner’s Strengths
Make a list of things you genuinely admire and appreciate about your partner’s personality, skills, talents, and values.
Share Appreciative Feedback
Verbally praise your partner’s traits and actions you find impressive or worthwhile. We all need to hear what we’re doing right.
Perform Thoughtful Gestures
Cook a favorite meal, bring home flowers, write a heartfelt card, etc. Expressions of love feed appreciation.
Show Physical Affection
Kiss, hug, hold hands, cuddle, and maintain an intimate connection. Affection demonstrates comfort and appreciation of your partner.
Make Quality Time Together
Put away distractions and truly focus on each other in conversation. Presence cultivates appreciation.
Champion Each Other’s Goals
Support your partner’s personal goals and passions. Displaying interest shows you appreciate what’s important to them.
Don’t Take Each Other for Granted
Avoid complacency by actively engaging in your relationship. Make your partner feel valued, not assumed.
Learn Each Other’s Love Languages
Discover how you each best express and receive love. Lean into appreciation languages that resonate most.
Discuss Appreciation Needs
Have open conversations about needing more validation and appreciation from each other. Find mutual understanding.
Appreciate the Little Things
Notice and appreciate your partner’s small daily actions. Taking out the trash warrants thanks and praise.
Emphasize Accomplishments
Celebrate your partner’s wins and milestones. Recognize their hard work and abilities that make the achievements possible.
See the Good in Each Other
Focus on positive traits and growth versus flaws and setbacks. Choose to see each other through appreciative eyes.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Let go of petty annoyances and irritations in your partner. They likely have plenty about you they overlook too.
Make Quality Time Fun
Do activities you both enjoy when spending time together. Laughter, adventure, and playfulness breed appreciation.
Show Interest in Each Other’s Lives
Ask engaging questions about your partner’s interests, friendships, family relationships, and goals. Knowing each other’s worlds is key.
Give Each Other Benefit of the Doubt
Approach your partner with optimism versus suspicion. Interpret actions and words in a generous light.
Appreciate Differences
Rather than criticize differences, look for ways to appreciate each other’s unique perspectives and quirks.
Have Shared Experiences
Plan trips, take classes together, volunteer as a pair, etc. Sharing meaningful events builds appreciation.
When to Get Professional Help
Despite your best efforts, some relationships become permanently starved of appreciation. Consider relationship counseling or therapy if:
- Your partner completely refuses to acknowledge concerns or make changes
- You still feel totally undervalued after trying to improve appreciation
- The lack of appreciation stems from major trust violations or contempt in the relationship
- Either you or your partner has mental health issues impacting the relationship
- Communication has broken down and you argue more than connect
An experienced couples therapist can help identify the roots of appreciation issues and teach skills to transform negative patterns. They provide a neutral place for both partners to be heard and understood.
Know When to Walk Away
In severe cases, contempt, neglect, or abuse in a relationship leave it essentially devoid of appreciation. At that point, it may be healthiest to walk away, especially if your partner refuses to acknowledge problems or seek help changing.
Don’t stay with a partner who continually damages your self-worth by failing to appreciate you. Everyone deserves fulfillment in relationships. Seek it elsewhere if your current partner is unwilling to grow and meet your needs.
Conclusion
Feeling valued through mutual appreciation is a fundamental human need in relationships. If appreciation is lacking from your partner, take constructive steps together to cultivate more validation. Express clearly how you wish to be shown appreciation. Offer the same in return. With compromise and effort, appreciation can be restored in relationships starved of this vital component. However, walking away is warranted if a partner remains completely resistant to change and rebuilding lost appreciation.