Disciplining a 10 year old child who won’t listen can be very frustrating for parents. Children at this age are testing boundaries and asserting their independence, which can lead to ignoring parents’ requests and directions. However, there are effective strategies parents can use to get through to a non-compliant 10 year old and teach better listening skills.
Understand Why Your 10 Year Old Isn’t Listening
Before deciding on a punishment, it’s important to understand why your 10 year old may not be listening. Some common reasons include:
- They are distracted by friends, technology, activities etc.
- They are testing boundaries and limits
- They feel overwhelmed or stressed
- They don’t understand directions
- They forget directions quickly
- They want attention
Taking the time to figure out the source of the problem will help you address it more effectively through consequences.
Set Clear Expectations and Rules
Make sure your expectations for listening and following directions are clear. Set basic house rules and explain what is expected of your 10 year old. For example:
- No screen time unless chores and homework are done
- Lights out/bedtime at 9pm on school nights
- No snacks within 1 hour of dinnertime
- Pick up toys and put laundry away when asked
Reinforce these rules positively when your child demonstrates good listening. Be prepared to follow through with fair consequences when they don’t comply.
Use Consequences Instead of Punishment
Punishing a 10 year old by taking away privileges for an excessive amount of time or using physical discipline can breed resentment. Instead, use shorter, proportional consequences that reinforce rules. For example:
| Broken Rule | Consequence |
|---|---|
| Refusing to put toys away when asked | Loss of screen time after dinner |
| Talking back disrespectfully | Writing a letter of apology |
| Missing curfew | Earlier bedtime the next 2 nights |
The key is linking consequences directly to the behavior so your child understands why the consequence occurred. Keep consequences reasonable.
Give Directions Your Child Can Follow
Very young children have difficulty following multi-step directions. Keep requests simple and break them down into smaller steps for your 10 year old. For example:
Instead of: “Clean your room, do your homework, and take the dog for a walk before dinner.”
Try: “It’s time to start your chores. First, please clean your room by putting your clothes away and making your bed. When you are done with that, come tell me and I’ll let you know the next thing.”
Get Their Attention First
Before giving directions, make sure you have your child’s full attention. Call their name, gently touch their shoulder, establish eye contact, and ask them to repeat the instructions back to you. If they seem distracted, have them take a break from what they are doing before continuing.
Write Down Directions
Have your 10 year old write down multi-step directions, like homework assignments or chore lists. Seeing the tasks in front of them can help kids remember and follow through. You can also post written reminders like lists and charts in high-traffic areas.
Give Them a Countdown
Providing a countdown can motivate your 10 year old to get tasks done right away. You can say “I need you to get dressed to leave in the next 10 minutes” or “You have until the count of 3 to put your shoes on.” Adjust time based on the task.
Catch Them Listening Well
When you give directions and your child listens the first time, be sure to provide enthusiastic praise. Recognize their good listening by saying something like “Thank you for putting your tablet away so quickly when I asked!” This positive reinforcement will motivate them to repeat that behavior.
Stay Calm
Speak to your 10 year old calmly and clearly when giving directions, without yelling or threats. They are more likely to absorb instructions if you communicate in a peaceful, respectful manner. If you need to take a few deep breaths first to relax, do so.
Follow Through
Don’t make empty threats about consequences when rules are broken. If you say a privilege will be taken away for back talk, for example, make sure you enforce that consequence every time. Follow through shows you are serious and builds trust.
Discuss Listening Problems
Schedule one on one time with your 10 year old to have an open discussion about their listening difficulties. Hear their perspective on why following directions is hard for them. Brainstorm solutions together like visual aids or setting phone timers to help them remember tasks.
Set a Good Example
Model good listening skills yourself by avoiding distractions when your child speaks to you. Maintain eye contact, paraphrase what they said, and demonstrate sincere interest. Your example will positively influence their behavior.
Get Support from Other Adults
Talk to your co-parent, spouse, or other caregivers about enforcing consistent rules and consequences for listening. Present a united front and back each other up if your child tries to get away with selective listening.
Use Rewards
Consider instituting a reward system for good listening that allows your 10 year old to earn points or privileges over time. This provides positive motivation to follow directions. Just don’t reward them for behavior that is expected, like brushing their teeth.
Exclude Medical Issues
In some cases, an undiagnosed medical condition could be behind a 10 year old’s lack of listening, like hearing problems, ADD/ADHD, or auditory processing disorder. Talk to your pediatrician if you have persisting concerns.
Be Patient and Consistent
Change takes time. Stick to your techniques for improving listening skills with commitment and consistency. Celebrate small successes along the way. With patience, your efforts will pay off in better communication.
Professional Help
If your 10 year old frequently ignores safety rules or directions, or you feel unable to get through to them, seek help from a child therapist or psychologist. They can assess if an underlying issue is contributing and provide treatment options.
Conclusion
Disciplining a 10 year old child who doesn’t listen well can test parents’ patience. But establishing clear expectations, using consequences, simplifying directions, and setting a good example can reinforce positive behavior. Staying calm, discussing problems, rewarding progress, and excluding medical issues also helps get through to a non-compliant child. Over time and with consistency, your 10 year old can learn to follow rules and directions more independently.