Ghosting, or the act of someone suddenly cutting off communication without explanation, has unfortunately become more and more common. It can leave the person being ghosted feeling confused, hurt, or even questioning their own worth. While ghosting says more about the character of the person doing the ghosting than the ghosted, it’s still natural to want closure when a relationship ends abruptly and one-sidedly. However, getting closure requires the participation of the ghoster – and by definition they’ve made clear they don’t wish to communicate further. So how does one find a way to say goodbye when you’re seemingly talking to thin air?
Should you reach out to the ghoster?
The first question to ask yourself is whether it’s wise to reach out at all. Some argue the best response is not to respond – that pleading for an explanation gives the ghoster exactly what they want (your attention) without them having to give anything in return. However, others say finding closure for yourself is more important than trying to play power games, and that being the bigger person sometimes means reaching out one last time for your own peace of mind.
There are good arguments on both sides. If in doubt, consider how long you were involved with the person, how close you felt to them, and whether you’re reaching out to better understand them or simply to yell at them. Err toward not reaching out if your goal is to vent your hurt or anger rather than find mutual understanding. But a brief, thoughtful message giving them a chance to explain themselves, if you think they’d be receptive, may be worth it.
Pros of reaching out:
- Chance to understand their reasons
- Opportunity for closure if ghoster responds
- Letting the ghoster know their actions hurt you
Cons of reaching out:
- Ghoster may ignore the message, leaving you hurt again
- Reaching out could be seen as desperate or needy
- Contacting them keeps doors open they may want closed
What to say if you do reach out
If after reflection you think it’s worthwhile to contact your ghoster one last time, keep the message brief and focused on yourself, not them. Avoid emotional appeals, accusations, or trying to change their mind. Assuming you were more invested in the relationship than they were, this is about freeing yourself, not restarting what they already ended. Things to include:
Acknowledge their silence
Don’t pretend their disappearing act didn’t happen. A simple “I noticed you haven’t returned my calls/texts in a while” recognizes the reality while avoiding drama or blame.
Express how you feel
Let them know the impact of their actions on you, using “I” statements: “I was hurt when you disappeared without explanation.” “I felt confused and discarded when you stopped responding.” Avoid exaggerations like “I thought I’d die from heartbreak.” Keep it real without attacking.
Ask for clarity (optional)
If you genuinely feel it would help give closure, you can ask a neutral question like “I’m reaching out because I’d appreciate clarity on why you feel the need to end things this way.” Don’t expect or demand an answer, as you likely won’t get one.
Say goodbye
Let them know this will be the last they’ll hear from you and that you wish them well: “Anyway, I won’t be reaching out again. I wish you all the best in life.” Short, simple, done.
Examples:
- “I noticed I haven’t heard from you for a couple weeks. I felt hurt when you suddenly disappeared on me without explanation. I’d have appreciated more open communication, but I understand if you felt that wasn’t possible. Anyway, I won’t be reaching out again. Be well.”
- “Hey there. I’m not sure why you felt the need to cut contact without discussing it with me first. I care about you and would have preferred a chance to talk it through. But I respect your decision and will leave you be from here on out. Wishing you the best.”
The key is brevity, self-respect, acknowledging reality, and letting go. Don’t make it about them unless you genuinely think they’d reciprocate.
How to move on when you get no response
More often than not, even a thoughtful goodbye message will go unanswered. As hurtful as the silence may feel, know that them not responding says nothing about your worth or lovability. They made a choice to avoid a tough conversation, which is on them. Here’s how to move forward:
Let yourself grieve
A breakup of any kind deserves mourning. Let yourself be sad for a bit. Cry, journal, talk to friends, watch sappy movies. Feel your feelings. Just don’t dwell there forever.
Distance yourself
Unfollow/unfriend them on social media. Limit checking their profiles. Remove visible reminders in your home. Create physical and emotional space from the ghoster to move on.
Consider the red flags
While you deserve truth and closure, someone who ghosts shows they don’t handle hard talks and accountability well. Look for healthier relationships.
Refocus on you
Make this about self-growth. Engage in hobbies that make you happy. Lean on other friends. Explore new goals for yourself. Become whole without them.
Forgive yourself if needed
If you feel you acted with integrity, don’t dwell on what you could’ve done differently. Forgive yourself for any guilt and know you approached things thoughtfully.
Forgive them
Holding on to bitterness will stall healing. When you’re ready, see if you can get to a place of wishing them well. You deserve peace.
Ways to say goodbye without contacting the ghoster
If contacting them feels unwise or unlikely to help, there are still symbolic ways to find closure:
Write a goodbye letter
Pour out your feelings in a letter. You don’t have to send it. Ritualize letting go by burning or deleting it.
Have a goodbye ritual
Create a special ceremony or ritual to honor the relationship one last time. Light candles, play special songs, visualize releasing the hurt.
Talk to friends
Sharing your experience and feelings with trusted friends can validate and help release pain. Feel listened to.
Express yourself creatively
Write poems, paint pictures, create music about your experience. Use art to capture your emotions.
Practice gratitude
Remind yourself of things you’re grateful for in life aside from the ghoster. Refocus on the good.
Meditate
Quiet contemplation, deep breathing, and meditation can create calm and wash away hurt. Be present.
When enough is enough
Ultimately, know that the only person’s closure you control is your own. Doing your best to authentically reach out or process the loss either alone or with others will help you on the path, in time, to letting go.
One day you’ll wake up and realize you haven’t thought of them in awhile. When you can wish the ghoster well from a sincere place of neutrality, you’ve said the most powerful goodbye of all: the one to your own pain. You’ll know you’re ready to fully move on when thoughts of your ghoster elicit indifference rather than hurt. It may take months or years post-ghosting, but this day will come if you focus on your healing along the way.
In summary:
- Decide if it’s worthwhile to reach out post-ghosting based on the depth of the relationship and your motives
- If you do reach out, keep it brief, unemotional, and focused on yourself without expectations
- Process the hurt through self-care and turning inward if they ignore your message
- Try symbolic rituals for closure like writing goodbye letters or holding ceremonies
- In time, indifference will replace hurt when you’re ready to move on
Saying goodbye to a ghoster isn’t easy, but being ghosted says more about their issues than yours. Focus on rediscovering your own worthiness, connections and joy. Life is too short to beg for scraps from those unwilling to meaningfully communicate. You deserve people capable of mutual care, trust and empathy. This loss makes room to welcome those kinds of healthy relationships into your life instead.