A narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for excessive attention and admiration. Their behavior is often characterized by entitlement, arrogance, envy, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists tend to have very fragile egos and react negatively to any perceived slights or criticisms. Understanding how a narcissist behaves in relationships and in everyday life can help identify narcissistic traits in someone.
What are the characteristics of a narcissist?
There are several key characteristics that can help identify narcissistic behavior:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance – They have an exaggerated sense of superiority and constantly seek validation of their worth.
- Preoccupation with success and power – They are obsessed with status, achievement, and rank compared to others.
- Sense of entitlement – They believe they deserve special treatment and have unreasonable expectations.
- Need for admiration – They crave and demand constant praise and compliments.
- Lack of empathy – They are unable to understand or share in the feelings of others.
- Exploitative behavior – They shamelessly take advantage of others to achieve their own goals.
- Arrogant attitudes and behaviors – They come across as conceited, boastful, and pretentious.
- Envy of others – They believe others are envious of them and cannot handle when others receive praise.
Narcissists typically display most or all of these characteristics to varying degrees. The more traits they exhibit and the more pronounced they are, the more likely it is that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
How do narcissists behave in relationships?
Narcissists can be very destructive in interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones. Here are some common narcissistic behaviors in relationships:
- Love bombing – They shower new partners with excessive affection and attention to hook them quickly.
- Possessiveness – They become jealous and controlling early in relationships.
- Manipulation – They use guilt trips, gaslighting, threats, and other means to control their partner.
- Lack of commitment – They often resist serious commitment out of a fear of intimacy.
- Lack of empathy – They are unable to truly care about their partner’s needs or feelings.
- Exploitation – They will use their partner for money, status, and reputation enhancement.
- Triangulation – They manufacture love triangles to boost their ego and provoke jealousy.
- Cheating – Infidelity is common as they seek validation through sexual conquests.
- Blame-shifting – They never take accountability for wrongdoings and are quick to blame partners.
- Gaslighting – They intentionally distort reality to confuse and disorient their partner.
Partners of narcissists commonly experience drastic shifts from idealization to devaluation. This creates a push-pull, hot-cold dynamic that keeps partners off-balance and can elicit codependency.
Do narcissists care about other people?
Narcissists generally do not genuinely care about other people except as sources of validation or as instruments to achieve their goals. Here are some signs that demonstrate a narcissist’s lack of care:
- They only talk about themselves and do not ask questions about others.
- They do not listen attentively when others speak and dismiss input.
- They abandon or belittle people once they are no longer useful.
- They do not comfort or support others in difficult times.
- They envy the success, traits, and relationships of others.
- They react with rage or contempt to criticism or slights, real or perceived.
- They fail to keep promises, break confidences, and betray trust without remorse.
- They blame others for mistakes and take credit for others’ accomplishments.
- They are indifferent to how their actions impact others, focusing solely on their own needs.
Narcissists may feign care and interest in the beginning of relationships when useful. But their actions ultimately reveal a lack of genuine concern. They view people as tools to manage for their own benefit.
How do narcissists treat people they deem ‘beneath’ them?
Narcissists commonly mistreat people they consider beneath them or not useful to their agendas. Some patterns in how they treat subordinates include:
- Blatant disrespect – Using derogatory names, inappropriate language, and creating hostile environments.
- Belittling – Making fun of subordinates’ traits and work efforts.
- Yelling/raging – Frequent angry outbursts over minor issues.
- Blaming – Focusing fault on subordinates for anything that goes wrong.
- Criticizing – Excessive nitpicking and negative feedback on work performance.
- Sabotage – Purposefully setting subordinates up to fail.
- Inequitable compensation – Paying subordinates less than fair market value.
- Excessive or demeaning demands – Requiring subordinates to perform unreasonable favors.
- Boundry violations – Invading subordinates’ privacy and violating norms.
- Taking credit – Claiming responsibility for subordinates’ ideas and work.
Narcissistic bosses often create hostile work cultures rooted in fear. The cumulative stress of constantly being devalued, criticized, and sabotaged can cause serious mental health impacts on subordinates.
Do narcissists have awareness of their disorder?
Most narcissists lack insight into their own disorder and its impacts on others. Here are some signs that demonstrate their lack of self-awareness:
- They reject feedback about their behavior and refuse to change.
- They perceive themselves as charming and confident, not grandiose.
- They blame relationship problems entirely on partners and exes.
- They exaggerate achievements and deny or justify entitled behaviors.
- They areQuick to anger when flaws are pointed out.
- They display feelings of superiority without commensurate achievements.
- They exaggerate reactions to perceived slights and seek vengeance.
- They fail to fulfill basic responsibilities without remorse.
- They lack understanding of how their behaviors impact others.
- They exhibit little curiosity about others’ perspectives of them.
A small percentage of narcissists who seek therapy can gain some awareness of their patterns. But mostexternalize blame and justify their behaviors rather than accept responsibility. Their sense of grandeur and entitlement prohibits accurate self-assessment.
What are signs of covert narcissism?
In contrast to overt narcissists, covert narcissists display more subtle arrogance and seek validation indirectly. Signs of covert narcissism include:
- False modesty – Understating accomplishments to elicit compliments.
- Passive aggression – Making snide comments rather than assertive confrontation.
- Playing victim – Framing themselves as unjustly injured to gain sympathy.
- Guilt-tripping – Using guilt to manipulate people into serving their needs.
- Sulking – Withdrawing affection or giving silent treatment as punishment.
- Subtle sabotage – Undermining others in discreet ways.
- Triangulation – Turning people against each other to gain control.
- Gossiping – Spreading rumors to ruin reputations.
- Scapegoating – Blaming failure or mistakes on others.
- Seeking favors – Asking for advice, help, money to obligate others.
Covert narcissists crave the same power and validation as overt narcissists but use the cover of modesty, insecurity, or introversion to manipulate. Their tactics can make them hard to detect but the underlying sense of grandiosity and entitlement is the same.
Do narcissists ever change or get better?
While small improvements may occur, narcissism is generally considered difficult if not impossible to truly treat or cure. Here are some of the obstacles that make change unlikely:
- They deny having a problem in the first place.
- Treatment requires challenging their inflated self-image, which they resist.
- They lack skills for self-regulation and impulse control.
- They feel entitled to special treatment and exceptions to rules.
- They externalize blame and rarely take responsibility.
- They exploit people and rarely experience remorse.
- They lack motivation to change as they do not experience distress themselves.
- Any changes are typically temporary and revert back to abusive patterns.
- They use charm and manipulation to appear changed to therapists and partners.
- Their arrogance, lack of empathy, and sense of superiority persist.
While narcissists can learn to minimize their worst behaviors, their core personality traits and worldview remain largely intact. They may improve their ability to sustain relationships or employment but the underlying narcissism continues.
How should you interact with a narcissist?
When dealing with a narcissist it is important to adjust expectations and approach interactions carefully. Some tips include:
- Avoid hoping they will become more empathetic and caring.
- Do not take their behaviors personally.
- Set firm boundaries and uphold them consistently.
- Expect manipulation and do not buy into guilt trips or flattery.
- Don’t share secrets or personal information they may use against you.
- Communicate calmly and stick to facts if confronting them.
- Focus conversations on their interests to solicit cooperation.
- Keep interactions brief and solution-focused.
- Document exchanges and agreements in writing.
- Fact-check anything they claim and verify independently.
In some cases Going low or no contact is the safest and healthiest option. But where contact must continue, managing expectations and controlling the context of interactions can help mitigate narcissistic abuse.
Conclusion
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, but in its extreme forms can be very destructive to relationships, work settings, and overall quality of life. Recognizing characteristic behaviors like a sense of entitlement, exploitation, lack of empathy, envy, arrogance, and an excessive need for validation can help identify narcissistic personality disorder. While narcissists are very resistant to change, those dealing with narcissists can educate themselves on strategies to engage cautiously and set boundaries to protect their own well-being.