Narcissists are known for their sense of entitlement, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. When they feel threatened or criticized, they often react with rage and vindictiveness. Narcissists have numerous tactics they use to get revenge against others who they feel have wronged them. Understanding how a narcissist seeks vengeance can help protect against their malicious behavior.
Why Narcissists Seek Revenge
There are several key reasons why narcissists are prone to seeking revenge:
- Their ego is fragile – Even minor slights or criticisms can severely bruise a narcissist’s ego, which they perceive as a major threat.
- They lack empathy – Narcissists are unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Hurting others doesn’t typically cause them remorse.
- They feel entitled – When others don’t treat narcissists with the admiration and priority they feel they deserve, they believe revenge is justified.
- Revenge reasserts power and control – After feeling belittled, plotting revenge helps narcissists regain their sense of dominance and authority.
In summary, revenge allows narcissists to right perceived wrongs, salve their damaged ego, punish those who failed to provide adequate admiration, and reestablish their feelings of superiority and control. They see revenge as teaching the transgressor a lesson and deterring future disrespect or criticism.
How Narcissists Get Revenge
Narcissists have many strategies to get revenge against others. Some of their most common tactics include:
Smear campaigns
Narcissists are master manipulators and will often use convincing lies and rumors to destroy the reputation and credibility of the person they wish to take revenge on. They will reveal sensitive secrets or make up fictional stories to family, friends, colleagues, and communities in efforts to make the target look bad and suffer consequences.
Withholding affection
If the target of revenge is in an intimate relationship with the narcissist, a common tactic is to withhold affection and intimacy abruptly and without explanation as punishment. The narcissist may openly flirt with others in front of their partner to further hurt them.
Undermining and blocking progress
Narcissists in positions of authority such as bosses or supervisors may seek revenge on subordinates by blocking their career progress. They may deny promotions, important assignments, training opportunities, or recommendations out of spite.
Legal threats
Narcissists are willing to exploit the legal system if they feel it will help them get their vengeance. They may file frivolous lawsuits, get restraining orders, or falsely accuse the target of crimes. Whether their legal actions have grounds or not does not matter to the narcissist.
Financial abuse
If the narcissist has control over finances, they may try to hurt the target by restricting access to bank accounts, money, or credit cards. They may make significant purchases without consulting the target as a way to retaliate and control.
Using others as pawns
Narcissists frequently manipulate others into unwittingly helping them enact revenge. They will often target mutual friends, family members, and the target’s other relationships, turning people against them or using them to embarrass, isolate, or harm the target in other ways.
Inciting self-sabotage
Narcissists are adept at psychological warfare and will craftily plant seeds to spur targets to sabotage or doubt themselves. They may play the victim to provoke guilt, aggressively highlight inadequacies, or set up no-win scenarios to let targets undermine themselves.
Proxy revenge
If narcissists feel they can’t safely take revenge directly, they may have someone else do the dirty work for them. This could be as extreme as inciting physical violence or as subtle as having an unknowing friend give the target the cold shoulder.
Why Revenge Backfires with Narcissists
Seeking revenge against a narcissist is often an exercise in futility. Several factors make getting vengeance likely to backfire:
- Narcissists feel perfectly justified in their behavior. Retaliating will only affirm their rationalizations for getting revenge in the first place.
- Efforts to get even often escalate narcissistic rage and vindictiveness. Like cornered animals, they lash out harder when feeling threatened.
- Revenge provides narcissistic supply. Efforts to hurt the narcissist give them attention and power they crave.
- Narcissists lack empathy and conscience. They do not respond to empathy-driven interactions. Guilt, reasoning, and emotional appeals fall flat.
- They have far fewer moral and social inhibitions. Narcissists are willing to go to extreme and illegal lengths to win at revenge that most would shy away from.
The most sensible way to protect against narcissistic revenge is to withdraw contact completely and avoid further provoking or engaging them.
Protecting Against Revenge from a Narcissist
While no control can be exerted over a narcissist’s behavior, some steps can be taken to minimize the risks of retaliation:
Set firm boundaries
Make expectations and limitations clear from the start to establish what behavior will not be tolerated. Follow through consistently with proportional consequences when boundaries are disrespected.
Avoid escalation
Do not attempt to reason with or appeal to a narcissist’s better nature during periods of conflict or revenge-seeking. Disengage and revisit the issues later when emotions have settled.
Get legal help
Consult attorneys, law enforcement, and the courts as needed if you become the target of a narcissist’s malicious vendettas or false accusations.
Enlist mediators
Secure the help of law enforcement, counselors, social workers, or other third parties to create safety barriers and intervene if conflicts become dangerous or destructive.
Document interactions
Keep records of correspondences, threats, harmful actions, and other evidence in case they are needed to support or defend against legal action or smear campaigns.
Form a support system
Develop a reliable support network of people who can act as witnesses, substantiate your experiences, and provide emotional help as you disengage from the narcissist.
Therapy
Seek guidance from a psychologist skilled in treating victims of narcissistic abuse. They can provide tools to protect yourself and recover your self-esteem.
Cut off contact
Ending contact strips the narcissistic abuser of their power and control over targets. However, take measures to protect yourself during the initial separation when risk of retaliation may peak.
Warning Signs a Narcissist is Plotting Revenge
It’s helpful to recognize some of the common signals that may indicate a narcissist is planning a vengeance campaign:
- Sudden cheerful, conciliatory behavior out of proportion to the situation at hand.
- Pumping allies or witnesses for personal information about you.
- Recruiting proxies, allies, or minions who will unwittingly help enact their revenge.
- Leaked threats they will “make you pay” or “ruin you” or similar ominous warnings if crossed.
- Heightened surveillance of your whereabouts, communications, and online activity.
- An unusual interest in legal matters, rights, and precedents.
- Idiosyncratic displays of anger out of context.
- Threats of self-harm as emotional blackmail.
- Labelling you as “ungrateful” and themselves as the “victim” to justify future actions.
- Sudden indifference, silence, disappearing acts, and devaluation out of the blue.
Trust your instincts if you suspect vindictive motives in a narcissist’s actions. Do not wait around for threats or retaliation. Make a decisive break from further dealings with them.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Revenge
Recovering from the trauma inflicted by a narcissist’s revenge is challenging but very possible. Some tips that can help include:
- Affirm your worth – Understand none of the narcissist’s words or actions reflect truth about your value as a person.
- Open up – Confide in trusted supports who can provide validation and reassurance to help counteract the narcissist’s gaslighting.
- Review the facts objectively – Keep records to objectively verify what happened to counteract the narcissist’s false narratives.
- Set boundaries – Decide what treatment you will no longer accept from the narcissist or others. Maintain those boundaries consistently.
- Make self-care a priority – Tend to your physical, emotional, and mental health needs with loving care and compassion.
- Seek therapy – Work with a professional counselor experienced in overcoming narcissistic abuse.
- Avoid reacting – Refrain from reacting strongly or attempting to reason with the narcissist’s provocations.
- Forgive yourself – Accept that manipulation can happen to anyone. Let go of any guilt or shame.
- Join a support group – Connect with other abuse survivors who can relate to your experience.
- Be patient – Have compassion for yourself that healing is a journey that takes time and diligence.
While recovering from narcissistic revenge requires resilience and care, be assured that the narcissist’s efforts reflect nothing about your worth or value. With time, their toxic impact can be overcome.
Conclusion
Narcissists see revenge as a way to reassert their threatened superiority and control. Their lack of empathy and conscience means they will go to virtually any length to punish those who criticize or shame them. Understanding their common retaliation tactics provides awareness to protect against them. But resisting the urge for reciprocation and instead cutting ties with the narcissist provides the only real protection, allowing their toxicity to dissipate and recovery to begin. With care, time, and support, the wounds from narcissistic revenge can ultimately heal.