Ending a relationship can be extremely difficult, especially if you still have feelings for your ex. While the impulse may be to reach out to them right away in hopes of rekindling things, sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to take some time and space apart through a period of no contact. This allows both individuals to process their emotions and reflect on the relationship and what they truly want. However, no contact does not have to last forever. Here is some guidance on how long no contact should last if you ultimately want to get back together.
Why do no contact after a breakup?
There are several key reasons why initiating a period of no contact can be beneficial after a breakup:
- Allows emotions to settle – Immediately after a breakup, emotions are running high for both people involved. Having space apart gives time for these feelings to calm down.
- Prevents desperate behavior – When feelings are intense post-breakup, people often act in desperate ways like excessively texting or calling their ex or making promises to change overnight. No contact helps avoid this unhelpful behavior.
- Lets you focus on yourself – No contact gives you time to focus on your own healing and growth outside of the relationship.
- Lets your ex miss you – When you disappear from your ex’s life for a while, it gives them a chance to experience life without you and potentially miss you and the good parts of the relationship.
- Resets negative relationship patterns – Space away gives a chance to break negative patterns that may have contributed to the breakup.
Overall, no contact is about working on yourself, letting emotions settle, and coming back to the relationship from a healthier place if you choose to reconnect.
How long should no contact last after a breakup?
There is no set amount of time that no contact should last after every breakup. The ideal duration depends a lot on the nature of your relationship and the reasons behind the breakup. However, here are some general timeframes to consider:
1-2 weeks
1-2 weeks of no contact is advisable in situations like:
- You dated casually or only for a few months
- The relationship ended due to circumstantial reasons outside the couple’s control (like job changes requiring relocation)
- You both feel the spark is gone and agree the relationship ran its course
In these scenarios, a short no contact period gives you a chance to start moving on but doesn’t necessarily mean the door is closed forever.
1-3 months
1-3 months of no contact may be appropriate if things like:
- You were in a committed long-term relationship
- You still care deeply about each other but issues like poor communication, trust breaks, or growing apart led to the split
- One or both of you feels the relationship could be salvaged with time and perspective apart
A longer no contact timeframe helps reinforce that the relationship is over while also giving enough breathing room to potentially reconcile down the road.
6+ months
At least 6 months of no contact, or indefinite no contact, could be warranted if:
- Your relationship was abusive or toxic
- Trust was severely broken such as due to infidelity
- Your ex was manipulative or controlling
- You know deep down you are better off not being with this person
With relationship dynamics like these, an extended or permanent period of no contact is likely the healthiest choice and any reconciliation may do more harm than good.
Until you feel ready to reach out
Rather than putting a firm timeline on no contact, you can also let it last for however long feels right intuitively based on your emotions and desire to reconnect. This may mean sporadic check-ins over months or more of space before trying to be in touch again. Do what feels healthy and appropriate for moving forward.
Signs it may be time to break no contact
How do you know when enough time has passed and you may be ready to reach back out to an ex to try reconciling after no contact? Here are some signs:
- You go a set period without urges to contact them (such as 30 days at least)
- Thoughts of them don’t stir up intense emotional reactions anymore
- You feel you have gained perspective on the relationship
- You respect whatever their reaction may be to you reaching out
- You genuinely listen to and validate their experience of the breakup
- You want to have an open conversation, not make demands or deliver ultimatums about getting back together
Essentially, when you’ve reached a point of stability and maturity regarding the relationship ending, that often indicates you’re in a healthier mindset to potentially reconcile if that is mutually desired.
How to reconnect after no contact
When you feel ready to get back in touch with an ex after a period of no contact, keep these tips in mind:
- Text or email first rather than calling – This gives them space to process before having a real-time interaction.
- Keep it casual – Suggest meeting for coffee or a walk rather than a serious dinner. Low-key is better.
- Don’t make demands – Don’t show up with a list of requirements for them to get back together. Keep it light.
- Suggest talking, not getting back together – Make it clear you want to reconnect as friends first and foremost, not force a relationship.
- Be prepared for rejection – They may not be ready to reconnect. Respect that gracefully.
- Listen without judgment – Let them share their experience of the breakup and really listen.
- Give it time – Rebuilding trust and intimacy takes time after a breakup. Baby steps!
The key is to not have expectations or an agenda. Focus on understanding each other better as the foundation, and see what happens naturally. Forcing reconciliation rarely works out well.
What to do if no contact doesn’t work
While no contact can be very effective at helping a couple eventually reconcile, that won’t always be the outcome. Here are some healthy things to do if no contact doesn’t work out as you hoped:
- Accept it’s really over – As hard as it is, respect their boundaries and need for space.
- Reflect constructively – Consider the experience a lesson rather than failure. What can you learn?
- Release with love – Wish them well, forgive them and yourself, do not obsess over what-ifs.
- Commit to moving forward – Put energy into self-care, hobbies, friends, career goals.
- See a counselor – If having persistent trouble letting go, seek professional support and coping tools.
- Be patient – With time, even the most broken heart will start to mend.
Though painful, try looking at a breakup that doesn’t work out as an opportunity for empowerment and reinvention. You have a chance to refocus on your own growth and fulfillment. This frees you up for even better relationships ahead when the time is right.
Conclusion
Breakups are rarely easy, even when no contact is involved. However, taking space to heal and gain perspective can be invaluable if you ultimately hope to reconcile. While there is no perfect formula for how long no contact should last, the general rule is to wait until you feel centered and stable enough to have a calm, constructive reconnection. This can take weeks, months or more. Have patience with yourself and your ex during the process. If you both want to make it work again, it will happen organically at the right time. Trust in that, focus on your own wellbeing, and see what unfolds.