The number of times you can fall in love in your life is a question that has intrigued people for ages. Some believe there is only one true love, while others say you can experience love many times. The truth likely falls somewhere in between, with most people having a few significant loves over a lifetime.
Do you only have one true love?
The idea of having just one true love, or soulmate, is a romantic notion that has been popularized in literature, poetry, and film. However, most relationship experts agree that the reality is more complex. While for some people there may be one love that feels the most important, it is possible to have multiple meaningful loves and relationships in a lifetime.
According to Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples therapist, the idea of one true love puts too much pressure on both the relationship and the person you are dating. Very few people are meant to be together forever, and it is normal for love to evolve and change over time as you grow and change as an individual.
Reasons you can love more than once
- People change and evolve over time, so what you want in a partner at 20 may be very different at 40.
- Loss of a loved one does not mean you can never love deeply again.
- Different people can bring out different sides of you and fulfill different needs.
- Just because you love someone does not necessarily mean you are an ideal match for the long haul.
- Some people need the experience of different relationships to really understand themselves and what they want in a partner.
While it is possible to have one enduring true love, for most people seeking a soulmate in each relationship can create unhealthy expectations. It is normal to have a few significant loves over the course of your life.
How many times will you fall in love?
There is no magic number for how many times the average person will fall in love in their lifetime. A number of factors influence this, including your personality, values, and relationship goals. However, most people will experience romantic love with at least two or three partners over their life.
Factors that influence number of loves
- Personality – Introverts may have fewer lovers, while extroverts have more.
- Values – Traditional views on commitment impact numbers.
- Circumstances – Meeting potential partners can affect opportunities.
- Age – Younger generations may have more loves.
- Gender – Some research shows women tend to have fewer loves.
- Relationship goals – Seeking marriage or casual dating changes dynamics.
While less common, some people will only have one major romantic relationship in their life. Others may fall in and out of love many times. According to polls, the average seems to be around 2-5 significant loves for most people.
What does it mean to be “in love?”
To understand how many times you can fall in love, it is important to first define what being “in love” means. There are differing perspectives on this.
Some key factors of being in love
- Powerful feelings of attraction
- Preoccupation and focus on the person
- Intense chemistry and bonding
- A sense of completeness with the person
- Ongoing physical and emotional intimacy
Being “in love” is usually distinguished from other forms of love, like friendship or familial love, by its intensity and passion. It is important to know yourself and what you consider the core factors to really judge how many times you have genuinely fallen “in love.”
Does the intensity of love decrease after the first?
Some believe that while you can love multiple times, the first love is always the most intense and passionate. Truthfully, there are mixed opinions on this.
According to Dr. Becky Spelman, a psychologist, while the first love often feels novel and exciting, that does not mean subsequent loves are less meaningful. Each relationship is unique, and it is possible for other loves to feel just as intense as the first.
However, some studies have found that on average, people do tend to report higher passion and intensity in earlier relationships. There are a few potential reasons for this:
- The newness of first love triggers more excitement.
- As you age, hormones like oxytocin and dopamine may start to decline.
- With experience, you may protect your emotions more in relationships.
- Longer relationships move out of the intense early phase.
While your first love may have great intensity, there are still many people who say a subsequent love felt even more meaningful. Much depends on personal experience and where you are in life.
Do you love your first partner less once you fall for someone new?
When you fall in love with someone new, it does not necessarily mean you love your first partner any less. However, new relationships can change your perspective.
According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, the brain is actually wired for serial monogamy. This means you can move from one committed relationship to the next, without losing feelings for the last person. New love does cause bonding hormones like dopamine to plummet after the initial high, which can impact feelings for your former partner. But it does not simply erase love.
First loves often retain a powerful nostalgic hold on people. But this differs from still being deeply in love. Some potential reasons you may continue loving a former partner include:
- Shared history and a strong emotional bond
- Missing how things used to be
- Difficulty letting go of powerful memories
- Lacking closure on the relationship
While old flames can flare up, falling in love anew does not negate past loves. How you navigate these feelings depends a lot on your values and relationship style.
Can you be in love with two people at the same time?
It is possible to have romantic love for multiple people simultaneously. While more common in those who practice ethical non-monogamy, even monogamous people may accidentally fall for someone new before an old relationship has completely faded.
Psychologists believe this happens for a few key reasons:
- People have a capacity to love more than one person romantically.
- New relationships can form before old ones are fully resolved.
- Some people are not wired to be exclusively monogamous.
When simultaneous loves occur, it can be emotionally complex. Some people may try to deny one love. Others will end an old relationship and fully pursue the new one. In ethical non-monogamy, someone may try to balance both relationships.
There is no right or wrong way to handle loving two people at once. But it is important to be honest with yourself and partners to avoid hurt.
Managing simultaneous loves
- Reflect on each relationship’s strengths and weaknesses.
- Consider whether you are truly compatible long-term with each person.
- Weigh whether non-monogamy feels right for you.
- Communicate openly with partners and listen to their needs too.
- Give yourself space from both to gain clarity.
- See a couples counselor if you are in a committed partnership.
- Be prepared to make tough decisions.
How long does love last?
Love lasts however long you nourish it. Some loves are built to go the distance, weathering the tests of time. Others burn bright then fade. There are no guarantees when it comes to love’s longevity.
That said, the average length of most love relationships is two to five years. Still, many last much longer, while some are only fleeting.
Factors impacting love’s longevity
- Compatibility and shared values
- Personality traits like loyalty
- Making consistent effort
- Sharing relationship goals
- Companionship and friendship
- Intimacy and chemistry
- Working through conflict
- Positive influence on each other
Essentially, lifelong love is not just a feeling but an ongoing choice. With care, compromise, and commitment, romantic love can potentially go the distance. Soulmates are made, not just found.
Does your number of loves predict future relationships?
Can the number of times you have fallen in love predict relationship success? According to most experts, there is no “magic number” when it comes to love.
Having more past loves neither destines you for nor precludes you from having a lifelong partnership. The success of any relationship depends on the unique compatibility between two specific people, not past counts.
That said, having a range of relationship experiences can teach you helpful lessons about yourself, communication, and maintaining love that benefit future partnerships. But too many comparisons to the past can also be unhelpful.
Focus less on the number of your past loves and more on applying self-knowledge gained from these relationships to build the kind of love you want. An open heart and mind is required – one not hung up on “the one” but ready to nurture lasting love when the right fit comes along.
Conclusion
There is no magic number when it comes to the number of times you can fall in love in life. For some the lucky number is one. For others, it may be twenty or more. Most people will experience an average of three to five significant romantic relationships.
Love can also look very different from one experience to the next. Some will feel all-consuming while others are more slow-burning. Passion may diminish in long-term relationships but deeper intimacy often grows. Numerous factors from personality to circumstances influence why and how you love.
While often exciting, love can also be messy and contradictory when juggling past loves, new interests, and the shades in between. Honest self-reflection, open communication with partners, and developing wisdom around relationships all help navigate the journey of love, in all its varied forms.
The healthiest approach is not to seek one elusive perfect soulmate but to build enduring bonds through care, commitment and compromise when you find a special connection. With an open heart, you never know how many great loves life may bring.