Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by a sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. Narcissists tend to have certain behavioral patterns that can be harmful to relationships and undermine their ability to function healthily. Understanding how narcissists behave can help people cope with narcissistic loved ones or coworkers.
What is narcissism?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Many people have some narcissistic traits without meeting the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. True narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an impaired ability to form normal human relationships, arrogance, need for excessive admiration, and lack of empathy.
Some key characteristics of narcissism include:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, and attractiveness
- Belief they are special and should only associate with other high-status people
- Need for constant admiration and external validation
- Sense of entitlement to special treatment
- Exploitation of others to achieve personal gain
- Lack of empathy
- Envy of others and belief others envy them
- Arrogant attitudes and behaviors
How do narcissists interact with others?
Narcissists have difficulty forming genuinely caring, reciprocal relationships. They tend to see relationships in terms of utility rather than intimacy. Here are some common narcissistic behaviors in relationships:
- Initially charm others to gain admiration, then become controlling or cruel
- Become close friends or romantic partners with “special” high-status people who enhance their self-image
- Exaggerate their accomplishments to get praise
- React with rage or humiliation when criticized
- Take advantage of others for personal gain
- Refuse to acknowledge others’ perspectives or feelings
- Become jealous when others succeed
- Gossip maliciously about people they envy
- Place blame and fault on others
Romantic relationships
Narcissists seek partners who will satisfy their need for endless praise, beauty, status, and obedience. They tend to have passionate early relationships that quickly deteriorate. Common narcissistic behaviors with romantic partners include:
- Idealizing partners initially, then devaluing them when they “disappoint”
- Taking advantage of partners with little reciprocation
- Cheating
- Maintaining ambiguity about commitment
- Becoming jealous and controlling of partners
- Looking down on their partner’s interests and friendships
- Isolating partners from other important relationships
- Blaming partners for relationship problems
Friendships
Narcissists seek friendships that bolster their egos. They prefer relationships with admiring people who won’t challenge them. They will often “love bomb” new friends then drop people who cease to be useful. Common narcissistic friendship behaviors include:
- Initially showing great interest in a new friend’s life and problems to draw them in
- Bragging and exaggerating achievements to impress others
- Taking advantage of friends for favors without reciprocating
- Reacting jealously or competitively when friends succeed
- Belittling others’ problems, interests, or tastes
- Gossiping behind “friends'” backs
- Using conditional friendship as a tactic of control
- Cutting people off or ignoring friends who criticize them
Family relationships
Narcissistic patterns can be especially damaging in family relationships, where there is a strong emotional bond. Narcissistic parents may be extremely critical, control money to exert influence, or compete with their children rather than nurture them. Some common family relationship behaviors include:
- Volatile arguments or the silent treatment when challenged
- Criticizing family members’ major life decisions
- Stubborn unwillingness to acknowledge others’ perspectives
- Taking credit for successes but blaming others for failures
- Seeing the family as an extension of themselves rather than separate individuals
- Being hurt and indignant when not praised or catered to by family
- Being excessively charming with outsiders but abusive to their own family
- Scapegoating or disowning family members who do not sufficiently admire them
How do narcissists respond to perceived threats or failures?
Narcissists have an extreme drive to be powerful and successful in order to fill an internal void. They respond poorly when their egos are threatened by criticism, failure, or feelings of inferiority. Some common narcissistic defenses include:
- Rage: Explosive anger when insulted or confronted with mistake
- Contempt: Extreme sarcasm or patronizing attitude
- Depression: Overreaction to perceived failure or rejection
- Projection: Attributing own flaws onto others
- Cognitive dissonance: Irrationally constructing false narratives to maintain inflated self-view
- Splitting: Black-and-white thinking about people as all good or bad
- Idealization and devaluation: Alternating between seeing someone as perfect or worthless
How do narcissists handle workplace and leadership roles?
Narcissists often seek leadership roles at work to feed their egos and desire for power. As managers they can be high-functioning and ambitious but also toxic and destructive to workplace culture. Some common narcissistic work behaviors include:
- Taking credit for team successes while blaming others for failures
- Reacting to criticism with rage and humiliation
- Excessive ingratiation of superiors contrasted with disrespect toward subordinates
- Feeling threatened by competent coworkers and trying to undermine them
- Exploiting employees by demanding excessive work and dedication
- Requiring constant praise and validation of authority
- Claiming others’ ideas as their own
- Excessive, self-promoting communication with higher ups
- Preoccupation with competition and appearances over substantive work
Do narcissists have awareness of their behavior?
Many narcissists are completely oblivious to the negative impact of their behavior on others. They may even believe they are suffering unjust criticism when confronted with their actions. However, in some cases narcissists may have brief moments of insight into their selfishness and lack of empathy before reverting to typical patterns.
Signs narcissists have awareness:
- Occasional admissions that others see them as “arrogant” or “hostile” which they may blame on others provoking them
- Vague statements about “hurt feelings” or being “misunderstood”
- Attempts to be “nicer” which quickly slip into habitual narcissistic responses
- Excessive efforts to convince others they care through gifts and praise
Signs of lack of awareness:
- Surprise or rage when confronted with consequences of their behavior
- Focus on defending themselves rather than impact on others
- Belief others are envious or intimidated rather than hurt
- Being mystified when relationships end due to their treatment of others
- Immediate reversion to narcissistic patterns after brief moments of remorse
- Complete inability to put themselves in others’ shoes
Even narcissists with some awareness typically lack the insight and motivation for meaningful change. Their sense of empathy and concern for others tends to be limited and short-lived. For this reason, it’s important for others to set healthy boundaries around their behavior.
How can you cope with narcissistic people?
Trying to have healthy interactions with narcissistic people can feel draining and demoralizing. Here are some tips for protecting your mental health:
- Avoid excessive giving. Narcissists rarely reciprocate and will exploit your goodwill.
- Let go of the need for their approval. They will not empathize with your perspective.
- Know you cannot change them. Focus on modifying your expectations and responses.
- Set firm boundaries around unacceptable behaviors.
- Be prepared to end unhealthy relationships. Some narcissists are incapable of genuinely caring about your needs.
- Seek support from other people who understand the narcissist’s patterns.
- Build your self-esteem so it’s not dependent on pleasing a narcissist.
- Respond calmly and stand your ground when they attempt to bully or belittle you.
Conclusion
Narcissism exists in varying degrees that can range from grating self-centeredness to an extreme personality disorder. While narcissists’ outward personas can be charming, internally they struggle with fragile egos that compel them to manipulate relationships for ego-stroking rather than intimacy. Recognizing narcissists’ typical behaviors around relationship patterns, criticisms, boundaries, and envy can help clarify whether someone in your life is exhibiting unhealthy narcissism. Although true narcissists are unlikely to change, those dealing with them can improve the dynamic by modifying their own responses.