Manipulation and narcissism often go hand in hand. Manipulators frequently use tactics like gaslighting, stonewalling, and guilt-tripping to control others and get what they want. These behaviors are also common among those with narcissistic personality disorder. So does being a manipulator automatically make someone a narcissist? Let’s explore the connection further.
What is Manipulation?
Manipulation involves influencing someone’s behaviors or emotions in an underhanded, deceptive way to serve the manipulator’s own interests. Manipulators use various tactics to “manage down” the perceptions of others and rig the outcome to their liking. Common manipulative techniques include:
- Gaslighting – Making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions
- Lying or exaggerating to control a narrative
- Stonewalling and withdrawing affection to punish or control
- Playing the victim or using guilt/shame to obligate compliance
- Flattery and charm to win confidence and favor
- Threats and intimidation to create fear
- Triangulation – Turning others against the target
In relationships, manipulation erodes trust over time. It aims to diminish another person’s self-worth and independence. Manipulators may seem harmless at first but gradually undermine their targets mentally and emotionally in efforts to dominate them.
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder involves an extreme sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for attention and admiration. Those with NPD typically display traits like:
- Grandiose sense of self, exaggerating talents and achievements
- Preoccupation with power, success, and brilliance
- Belief they are special and entitled to special treatment
- Exploiting others for personal gain
- Jealousy of others and belief others envy them
- Arrogant behaviors and attitudes
- Lack of empathy and consideration for others’ needs
Many narcissists become manipulators to satisfy their own ego needs. Their manipulative behaviors typically include strings of relationships/friendships where others are used for self-gain then devalued and discarded.
The Overlap Between Manipulation and Narcissism
There is certainly significant overlap between chronic manipulation tactics and narcissism. As psychotherapist Dr. Margaret Rutherford notes, “Manipulation and narcissism tend to go hand-in-hand.” However, not all manipulators have the full range of narcissistic traits.
Some key considerations regarding the overlap between manipulation and narcissistic include:
- Narcissists often manipulate others to meet their own emotional needs such as for validation, feeding their inflated self-views, obtaining power over others, or feeling superior.
- Narcissism creates an empathy deficit that makes it easier for narcissists to use and exploit others without remorse.
- Habitual manipulation can be an indicator of vulnerable narcissism or covert narcissism rather than grandiose narcissism.
- Some people develop manipulative behaviors due to attachment injuries and trauma rather than inherent narcissism. Their manipulation comes from a place of insecurity and fear rather than true grandiosity.
- Narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed based on exhibiting at least 5 of 9 criteria. Some manipulators meet some criteria but not enough for an NPD diagnosis.
- Manipulation can also be found in other personality disorders like antisocial PD, histrionic PD, and borderline PD.
In summary, while there is overlap, not all cases of manipulation stem from underlying narcissism. And not all narcissistic individuals exhibit extreme, calculating manipulation tactics. Context matters in each situation.
Common Manipulative Behaviors
Some manipulative behaviors are especially common among narcissists as tools for controlling others, fulfilling ego needs, and driving self-serving agendas. These include:
1. Gaslighting
Narcissists frequently engage in gaslighting – a form of emotional manipulation that makes victims question their own sanity and memory. Through consistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighters destabilize victims and gain power by eroding their confidence in what is real. Victims become dependent on the narcissist to define reality.
2. Triangulation
Triangulation refers to bringing a third party into the relationship dynamic to shift balance of power. Narcissists use triangulation as a manipulation tactic by turning two people against each other to retain control. They often gossip or share private information about one person to sow discord and make others compete for the narcissist’s approval.
3. Stonewalling and Silent Treatment
By suddenly withdrawing affection or giving their targets the silent treatment, narcissists inflict emotional pain to punish and control the behaviors of others. This manipulative tactic creates insecurity and reinforces the narcissists’ ability to withdraw approval and acceptance as a threat.
4. Projection
Narcissists regularly project their own negative traits and unwanted emotions onto others. This allows them to blame others for their own flaws while maintaining inflated self-images. Projection is a deeply manipulative tactic that both absolves narcissists of blame and allows them to covertly spread accusations about others.
5. Smear Campaigns
To control social narratives about themselves, narcissists often launch smear campaigns against individuals who threaten their self-image. They spread falsehoods and exaggerated accusations about others to tarnish reputations and turn collective sympathy in their favor. Smear campaigns allow them to continue manipulating different targets and groups.
6. Hoovering
Named after the popular vacuum cleaner brand, “hoovering” refers to a manipulative tactic of “sucking” former victims back into abusive or exploitative relationships. Narcissists often ignore targets and give them the silent treatment to inspire insecurity, then later re-idealize those people with praise and affection when they want something from them again.
Motivations Behind Manipulation
Understanding the key motivations behind manipulation can help identify why narcissists in particular use these tactics frequently:
- Ego preservation – Manipulating how others perceive them helps narcissists maintain inflated self-views and deny flaws or failures.
- Sense of power/control – Manipulation helps narcissists establish a sense of authority over others’ lives.
- Lack of empathy – Their empathy deficit means exploiting or harming others does not disturb them.
- Covering up insecurities – Beneath their grandiosity, narcissists are deeply insecure, so they use manipulation to prevent anyone from exposing their vulnerabilities.
- Revenge – Perceived slights can trigger vengeance in narcissists, driving them to punish through manipulative actions.
- Admiration seeking – Narcissists require endless praise and validation, so they manipulate others to constantly stroke their egos.
By understanding these primary motivations, victims can begin recognizing manipulation tactics for what they are rather than falling prey to them.
Signs Someone is Using Manipulation Tactics
While manipulation can be covert and difficult to detect, some warning signs may become apparent. Actions to look out for include:
- They frequently lie, exaggerate, or distort the truth.
- They deny promises or agreements were ever made.
- They become angry, sullen, or withdrawn to punish you for perceived slights.
- They provoke jealousy and compare you to others unfavorably.
- They share private information about you or tell lies about you to other people.
- They undervalue your opinions, emotions, and experiences.
- They violate reasonable boundaries you have set.
- They make you feel guilty when you don’t comply with their demands.
- Their actions rarely match their words.
- You feel fearful, minimized, or insecure in their presence.
Trusting your own intuition is important. If someone’s actions feel manipulative, they likely are. Healthy relationships are based on open communication, mutual trust and respect – not manipulation.
Overcoming Manipulation
If you find yourself the target of a manipulator’s tactics, here are some ways to respond:
- Validate yourself. Recognize that you are being manipulated and it’s not all “in your head.”
- Set firm boundaries. Make it clear which behaviors you will no longer accept.
- Speak up. Directly address manipulation and specify how you want to be treated instead.
- Seek third-party help. Talk to trusted friends and relatives or a mental health professional.
- Consider going low or no contact. Ending the relationship may be healthiest decision.
- Refocus on your needs. Participating in healthier relationships not centered around manipulation.
With self-awareness, honest communication, and secure personal boundaries, the impacts of manipulation can be overcome. In many cases, distancing yourself from the manipulative person proves essential for regaining control of your life.
In Conclusion:
While manipulators and narcissists share many behaviors in common, not all manipulators have the full criteria to qualify for narcissistic personality disorder. Some manipulate out of trauma or insecurity rather than inherent narcissism. However, chronic manipulation should serve as a red flag for vulnerable, covert, or malignant narcissism. Manipulation erodes trust in relationships. Recognition of manipulation tactics is needed to either set firmer boundaries around the manipulator or cut ties altogether.