Being clingy in relationships is a common issue that can stem from different causes. Clinginess refers to constantly needing significant reassurance, contact, and time together from a partner. While clinginess can feel smothering to the other person, it often arises from deep insecurities and fears of abandonment. For some people, clinginess may be a learned trauma response.
What is clinginess?
Clinginess in relationships refers to behavior that is overly dependent on the other person. A clingy partner feels a strong need for constant contact, reassurance, and togetherness in the relationship. They may excessively call, text, or want to spend time with their partner.
Common clingy behaviors include:
- Needing constant communication throughout the day
- Feeling insecure or worried when not with their partner
- Wanting their partner to spend all their free time together
- Needily asking if their partner still loves them
- Feeling jealous of outside relationships or interests
- Making the partner feel guilty for independent activities
Clinginess stems from attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment. The clingy person relies heavily on their partner for self-worth and reassurance. They may have low self-esteem and constantly need validation from their partner.
Common causes of clinginess
There are several potential causes for clingy behavior in relationships:
Attachment issues
People with insecure attachment styles, like anxious attachment, tend to be more clingy in relationships. Their early childhood experiences led them to believe they can’t rely on others. They become preoccupied with their relationships and worry about abandonment.
Low self-esteem
Those with low self-esteem often seek validation through relationships. They don’t believe their own worth and rely heavily on their partners for reassurance and confidence.
Unmet needs
People who have emotional needs that weren’t met earlier in life may have greater needs for comfort and reassurance in their relationships. They cling to their partners to get those unfulfilled needs met.
Jealousy and trust issues
Insecurity and jealousy can also contribute to clingy tendencies. Those who have been cheated on or have trust issues may constantly worry about their partner’s faithfulness. These anxieties drive clingy behaviors.
Trauma
As we’ll explore more below, trauma from experiences like abuse, neglect, or abandonment can potentially lead to clingy relationship patterns later on.
Can trauma cause someone to be clingy?
Trauma can be a root cause of anxious attachment and clinginess for some people. If someone suffered trauma from:
- Childhood abuse or neglect
- Abandonment
- Loss of a caregiver or loved one
- Domestic violence
- Sexual assault
Experiencing trauma, especially in childhood, can disrupt one’s sense of safety and ability to connect with others. It can damage secure attachment needed for healthy relationships.
How trauma leads to clinginess
Trauma can contribute to clingy behavior in a few key ways:
Fear of abandonment
Trauma caused by loss, neglect, or abandonment often leads to deep abandonment fears. The person worries those close to them will leave, so they cling tightly to keep them close.
Attachment anxiety
Trauma disrupts feeling safe with others. It breeds attachment anxiety, where the person worries their partner doesn’t truly love them. They become preoccupied with the relationship.
Coping mechanism
The clinging provides a sense of security and helps alleviate post-traumatic stress. The person may use clinginess as an unconscious coping mechanism.
Recreating traumatic bonds
Sometimes clinginess recreates traumatic codependent relationship dynamics, like with an abusive caretaker. There is a subconscious comfort in what’s familiar.
Poor identity boundaries
Trauma can impair personal boundaries and sense of self. Rather than feeling secure within, identity is enmeshed with their partner, leading to clinginess.
Need for control
After feeling powerless in trauma, clinginess provides a sense of control over their partner leaving. However, this backfires by pushing partners away.
Is clinginess a healthy trauma response?
While clinginess may arise as an attempt to cope with traumatic wounds, it is ultimately an unhealthy trauma response for several reasons:
- It pushes loving partners away instead of attracting stable relationships.
- It leads to an unhealthy loss of personal autonomy and boundaries in relationships.
- It keeps someone stuck in core shame, low self-worth, and fears instead of healing their root causes.
- It puts the impossible expectation on partners to make someone feel whole again.
- It creates a cycle of abandonment as clinginess drives partners away.
Healthier responses involve processing trauma through counseling, building true self-confidence, and cultivating secure attachment. With inner security, one doesn’t need to cling to their partner.
Signs clinginess arises from trauma
How can you discern when clinginess stems from traumatic experiences? Here are some signs:
- The clingy behavior started after a traumatic event or unstable childhood.
- Strong fears of loved ones dying or leaving unexpectedly.
- Terrified of being alone and abandoned.
- Very low self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness.
- History of abuse, neglect, loss of caregivers, or unstable home environment.
- Hypervigilance and anxiety in relationships.
- Doesn’t feel deserving of their partner’s love and reassurance.
The person’s level of clinginess is out of proportion to the current relationship. They insist on contact and reassurance beyond their partner’s ability to reasonably provide it.
Coping with a clingy partner
If your partner exhibits clingy behaviors rooted in trauma or anxiety, have compassion for their fears but also set healthy boundaries. Some tips include:
- Reassure them of your love and commitment, but limit reassurance to what you can genuinely provide. Don’t enable constant neediness.
- Encourage them to get professional help to process trauma and build confidence.
- Spend quality time together, but also maintain outside friendships and activities.
- Set kind but firm boundaries around space, communication pace, and respecting your needs too.
- Don’t make their emotions your responsibility. Let go of guilt over their reactions to healthy boundaries.
The clingy partner needs to learn how to feel secure within instead of making their entire wellbeing dependent on the relationship. With professional help, self-care practices like meditation or exercise, and a secure loving partner, clingy behaviors can improve over time.
Healing clinginess rooted in trauma
For those whose clinginess stems from traumatic experiences, healing is possible. Here are some helpful strategies:
Seek counseling
Working through attachment issues and trauma with a therapist or counselor allows you to process hurt from the past, build inner security, and relate to partners from a healthier place.
Practice self-compassion
Low self-worth often feeds clinginess. Begin relating to yourself with kindness, empathy, and compassion to grow confidence from within.
Learn to self-soothe anxiety
Trauma creates an overactive fight-or-flight response. Calming practices like meditation, yoga, nature walks, and exercise help regulate nervous system arousal.
Build a fulfilling life outside the relationship
Invest in supportive friendships, enjoyable hobbies, and things that make you feel accomplished. Inner fulfillment reduces anxious dependency.
Allow healthy closeness gradually
Take relationships slowly to build secure attachment and trust. Let reliance on your partner deepen as your relationship matures.
Communicate needs kindly
Tell your partner openly what affection and reassurance helps you feel safe, while also respecting their boundaries too.
Conclusion
In summary, clinginess often stems from attachment anxiety, low self-worth, and fear of abandonment. For those who experienced trauma like abuse, neglect, or unstable early relationships, clinginess may develop as an unhealthy coping mechanism and attempt to regain security.
Yet clinginess tends to backfire by pushing loving partners away. True healing involves processing trauma, cultivating compassion for oneself and others, and building confidence from within. This allows trusting relationships to develop with less anxiety and dependence. With time, support and inner work, clingy relationship patterns stemming from trauma can transform into secure attachment.