What is codependency?
Codependency is when a person’s sense of purpose revolves around caring for, making sacrifices for, or controlling another person. Typically, codependency refers to dysfunctional relationships where one person enables or facilitates another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. The codependent person ends up facilitating behaviors from their partner that often perpetuate the partner’s problems. The codependent person has difficulty understanding and expressing their own needs. Their focus is on their partner’s needs, but this comes at the expense of their own self-care.
Common patterns in codependent relationships
Caretaking and controlling
The codependent partner will try to control the other person using manipulation, domination, caretaking, and over-protectiveness. This is often done under the guise of “love” but in reality serves to meet the emotional needs of the codependent person rather than support their partner’s growth. The codependent feels responsible for fixing their partner but this prevents the partner from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions.
Low self-worth and pleasing
Codependents often suffer from chronically low self-esteem and derive a sense of purpose or value from sacrificing themselves for their partner. Their own emotional needs and feelings are repressed as they seek to please others and avoid conflict or rejection at any cost. The codependent lives in denial of their partner’s harmful behaviors to maintain the relationship.
Poor boundaries
Codependents have difficulty understanding where they end and their partner begins. They have porous boundaries which leads to dependence on the moods, opinions, behavior and even identity of their partner. This leads to a lack of a clear identity as the codependent loses touch with their own needs and feelings.
Common characteristics of codependency
- Low self-esteem and poor self-care
- People pleasing and conflict avoidance
- Carrying disproportionate responsibility in relationships
- Caretaking, controlling, and becoming preoccupied with others
- Difficulty identifying, expressing and meeting personal needs
- Difficulty setting healthy boundaries
- Feeling guilty about setting boundaries or saying no
- Feeling responsible for other people’s choices, behaviors, feelings
- Abandoning hobbies, interests, and friendships to please a partner
- Compromising personal values or going against personal integrity to avoid conflict
- Extreme sensitivity to criticism
- Over-focus on a partner’s needs, thoughts, behaviors
Is codependency a choice?
Codependency does involve learned behaviors and choices, so in that sense it could be seen as the codependent person’s “fault.” However, codependency often stems from childhood emotional neglect, abuse, or insecure attachment patterns with primary caregivers. The childhood origins mean codependent patterns are deeply engrained and subconscious. So while codependents may perpetuate harmful dynamics through their choices, viewing it as a fault or personal failing does not account for these underlying issues.
Codependency as a coping mechanism
Codependency arises as an unconscious coping mechanism in childhood to get attachment, care, and validation needs met in difficult family environments:
- The absence of attention and affection from withdrawn or neglectful parents can cause children to try gaining love through “caretaking” others.
- The absence of safe nurturing from a parent with addiction or mental health issues can cause a child to try to control and fix the parent.
- The lack of stability from a parent with their own emotional issues can cause a child to become hypervigilant of the parent’s needs and moods.
- Any kind of parental inconsistency, lack of attunement and empathy, or breach of the child’s boundaries can create insecure attachment. The child may form codependent strategies to try to get attachment and validation.
Viewing codependency as a coping strategy developed in childhood makes it easier to treat with self-compassion. Blaming oneself for codependency often reinforces the problem by triggering shame and low self-worth.
Can you recover from codependency?
Absolutely. The good news is that codependency is a learned set of behaviors that can be “unlearned” through recovery work. Recovery involves:
- Developing stronger self-esteem and a stable identity not based on others’ needs
- Building a support system to get emotional needs met in healthy ways
- Setting firm boundaries and saying no without guilt
- Taking responsibility for communicating your needs and feelings
- Rebuilding hobbies, interests and non-codependent friendships
- Letting go of controlling and caretaking behaviors
- Allowing others to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors
- Addressing any trauma or childhood issues through counseling
With commitment to recovery, codependency can be unlearned, and the codependent can rediscover a healthier sense of self in relationships.
Steps to overcoming codependency
Here are some key steps for freeing yourself from destructive codependent patterns:
1. Seek counseling support
A counselor can help you explore the origins of codependency and provide tools to develop healthier patterns. Group counseling offers shared experiences and accountability.
2. Set firm boundaries
Practice saying no, expressing your needs, not taking responsibility for others, and allowing people to face consequences of their actions. Stick to your guns even when you feel guilty.
3. Explore your needs
Get in touch with your repressed needs, emotions, desires, and sense of self. Make more time for self-care activities.
4. Build your support network
Invest in relationships with others who treat you as an equal. Spend more time with people who aren’t emotionally dependent on you.
5. Change negative self-talk
Challenge any self-limiting beliefs with more positive affirmations of your worth and capabilities.
6. Set boundaries with the codependent partner
If they are unwilling to change, you may need to detach from the relationship, even as you continue to model healthier behavior.
7. Be assertive
Practice stating your needs, disagreeing, and setting firmer boundaries in all your relationships. Expect and tolerate others’ discomfort with your changing patterns.
8. Make self-care a priority
Focus on rebuilding hobbies, interests, personal integrity, and identity not based on others’ needs.
Conclusion
In summary, while codependency involves unhealthy learned behaviors, viewing it as a personal fault or weakness is counterproductive. With professional help, dedication, and self-compassion, codependency can be overcome by establishing healthier relationship patterns, boundaries, and self-care habits. The codependent person’s sense of self-worth need not remain dependent on sacrificing themselves for troubled partners. Recovery allows them to finally value their own needs and build mutually supportive relationships.