Is it better to stay together for a child?

This is a complicated question that many parents struggling in their relationship contemplate. There are arguments on both sides, and the right answer often comes down to the unique circumstances of each family. In this article, we will explore the main considerations to help parents make the best decision for their child.

Table of Contents

The potential benefits of staying together

There are some potential advantages for a child when parents choose to remain a couple, even if they are unhappy:

Continuity and stability in the family unit. Divorce causes major upheaval for kids that can be traumatic and disruptive.
Ongoing contact with both parents on a daily basis. This maintains the vital bond children need with mom and dad.
Avoiding the stress that comes with joint custody arrangements and shuffling between two homes.

Parents can continue to present a united front on values, rules and discipline.
Financial resources are kept in one household rather than divided.
The stigma and social challenges that can come when parents divorce are avoided.

In situations where parents are able to work through their issues and cooperate respectfully, remaining together and providing stability has clear benefits. However, those advantages must be weighed carefully against other factors.

The potential risks of staying together

Staying in a struggling relationship that is unhealthy can also be very damaging for kids. Some risks include:

Ongoing tension, frequent arguments and hostility in the home. This creates chronic stress and anxiety in children.

Disengaged or withdrawn parents who are emotionally unavailable to their kids.
Higher risk of mental health issues like depression or behavior problems in the children.
Modeling an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship pattern for kids that shapes their own future relationships.

Resentment building up between parents which eventually leads to a more explosive separation down the road.

In situations of domestic violence, infidelity, substance abuse or complete disengagement between spouses, the environment is often far too toxic for a child’s well-being.

How to determine what’s best for your child

Making such a major life decision inevitably involves trade-offs and uncertainties for parents. Here are some steps that can help reflect on your unique situation:

Have an open and honest conversation with your co-parent about the state of your relationship and commitment to making it work.
Seek input from a mental health professional about the potential risks or benefits for your child based on your circumstances.
Reflect realistically on your ability to shelter your child from ongoing conflicts or create a nurturing environment together.

Consider alternative custody arrangements if staying together is not possible but both parents want to co-parent.
Focus on your child’s practical and emotional needs rather than staying together out of guilt or obligation.

Being aware of your motivations and ability to meet your child’s needs helps provide the best perspective. Staying in an unhealthy relationship typically does more harm than good in the long-run. But separations that involve constant conflict, poor co-parenting and emotional turmoil create their own damage. As challenging as it is, try to make the choice based on your child’s well-being above all else.

Making the transition easier on kids

If the decision is made to separate, parents can take steps to ease the transition for kids, such as:

Allowing time to explain and process the upcoming changes together as a family.
Being consistent and united in messages that mom and dad both still love the child.

Working with professionals like child therapists, counselors or social workers for support.
Following consistent co-parenting schedules and rules to provide stability across households.
Giving kids outlets like journaling, play therapy or support groups to express their feelings.

Putting aside differences when in your child’s presence and at important events.

While divorces are almost always challenging for kids, parents who communicate openly, avoid tension in front of the children and work together can help minimize the disruption to their lives.

The impact based on the child’s age

The developmental stage of a child often influences how acutely they feel the impact of their parents separating. Some general patterns based on age:

Ages 0-2

Strong attachment and need for consistency with primary caregivers.
Prone to heightened separation anxiety when away from parents.
Change in family structure is confusing.

Need stability in sleeping, eating routines.

Ages 3-5

Struggle understanding why mom/dad cannot live together.
Blame themselves for the family changes.

Act out with tantrums, anger or regression in skills.
Need ongoing reassurance about being loved by both parents.

Ages 6-8

Understand the situation better but have many worries about the future.

May try taking sides with one parent.
Are learning emotional regulation and can benefit from support.

Ages 9-12

Reflect more realistically on family relationships.

Struggle balancing time between two households.
Act out behaviors at home or school.
Peer relationships become very important for support.

Being aware of how your child’s age and developmental abilities shape their experience can help parents have reasonable expectations and provide tailored support.

Supporting your child’s mental health

Divorce takes an emotional toll on kids as well as parents. Watching for any problematic signs and ensuring access to mental health support aids recovery for children. Useful steps include:

Keeping communication open and making time to listen sensitively to your child’s feelings and worries.

Working closely with your child’s school counselors or teachers to monitor behavioral changes.
Arranging counseling to help process emotions. This may use play therapy for younger kids.
Exploring support groups where kids feel less alone. Many communities and schools facilitate divorce support groups.

Setting up activities that build your child’s self-esteem and relieve anxiety like sports, arts or just play time.
Monitoring sleep, appetite and mood changes that can signal depression or trauma.
Providing healthy structure through scheduling and routines across households.

Prioritizing mental health support and open communication in age-appropriate ways allows kids to process the challenging emotions that emerge after parental separation.

Long term impacts on children

While divorce unquestionably has short term consequences, the long lasting impacts on kids are more nuanced. Some patterns researchers have observed include:

Girls tend to internalize feelings more through anxiety or depression, while boys often externalize through misbehavior.

Modeling from an unhealthy parental relationship can normalize destructive behaviors that undermine future relationships.
Some studies find slightly elevated risks for mental health issues or substance abuse.
Young adults from divorced families sometimes struggle with commitment or intimacy in romantic relationships.

Children involved in high-conflict divorces show greater emotional damage than amicable separations.
Having a consistent, nurturing relationship with at least one parent strongly predicts resilience.

While concerning patterns exist, most children ultimately adjust well post-divorce, especially if parents make an effort to co-parent positively. Prioritizing your child’s needs provides the best path to resilience.

Age Range	Common Reactions	Recommended Support Strategies
0-2 years	Separation anxiety, confusion, sleep/eating disruption	Consistency in routines, ample time with each parent
3-5 years	Self-blame, tantrums, clinginess, regression	Reassurance, play therapy, scheduled exchanges between parents
6-8 years	School issues, somatic complaints, worries about future	Counseling, candid discussions, peer support groups
9-12 years	Anger, defiance, isolation from family	Setting clear rules, focused father/mother time, exploring feelings

This table summarizes typical reactions based on age range after a parental separation along with some recommended strategies parents can use to provide support tailored to the child’s needs and abilities.

Setting children up for success

Beyond the divorce transition itself, there are many strategies parents can employ to help kids thrive in the long run. Some good practices include:

Minimizing conflict and employing healthy co-parenting strategies.

Speaking respectfully about the other parent in front of the kids.
Making children the top priority for financial support.
Splitting time fairly between households.

Flexibly accommodating important events and milestones.
Communicating regularly between parents about issues as they arise.
Presenting a united front on discipline, values and expectations.

When parents are able to work cooperatively and keep their child’s best interest first, the outcomes for kids tend to be very positive despite the challenges of divorce. The initial transition may be difficult, but children are remarkably resilient in the long run when their needs are kept a priority by caring parents.

Involving the child’s input appropriately

Another matter parents facing separation need to handle thoughtfully is how much to involve the child in decision-making. Some guidance on age-appropriate input includes:

Preschool age: Focus on listening to their feelings without overwhelming with adult decisions.

Elementary age: Ask about preferences on issues like where personal items go in each home.
Middle school: Consult on time splitting and communicate openly about changes.
High school: Involve more directly in setting schedules and boundaries.

Children shouldn’t be put in the middle but do need an outlet to express their viewpoint depending on maturity level. Making an effort to consider their reasonable wishes helps build cooperation and eases anxiety about all the looming changes.

Being mindful of your own mental health

In order to support your children effectively through a divorce, you must first take care of your own stress, emotional health and basic needs. Seeking your own counseling, joining a separated parents support group and making time for self-care helps you be your best when parenting under pressure. Avoid over-burdening kids with your adult worries. Modeling how to move forward calmly lays the groundwork for their resilience.

When to seek outside help

If despite your best efforts your child remains deeply angry, depressed or anxious for more than a few months after the separation, seeking professional support is wise. Signs it may be time to pursue counseling or therapy include:

Withdrawing socially and academically
Regression in skills like bedwetting or tantrums
Self-destructive or reckless behavior

Statements about self-harm or feeling unloved
Aggression toward peers or family members
Failing to recover typical enthusiasm for interests they once enjoyed

Therapists who specialize in helping children cope with family transitions can be invaluable allies in identifying issues and teaching coping strategies. Support groups can also help kids see they aren’t alone. Destructive behavior or untreated depression always merits professional help.

Conclusion

Separating when children are involved is a complex balancing act for parents. The potential risks to children’s well-being must be weighed carefully against the hope that staying together might avoid these harms. Each family’s path forward requires tough reflection on circumstances to choose the healthiest environment. While joint custody presents many practical hurdles after divorce, it also offers the chance for children to maintain meaningful bonds with both parents. This helps minimize the profound disruption and instability in kids’ lives when a family splits apart. With commitment on all sides to making children the priority, families can still manage happy, resilient kids despite divorce.