Being hurt by someone can leave lasting wounds. You may feel angry, sad, betrayed, or confused. While your first instinct may be to confront the person or cut them out of your life entirely, taking some time to reflect before deciding what to do is often wise. There are benefits and drawbacks to talking things through versus avoiding contact. Considering different perspectives can help you make the healthiest decision for moving forward.
Why you may want to talk to them
Here are some potential reasons for talking things through with someone who hurt you:
- Get closure – A conversation may help give you a sense of resolution. You can express how they impacted you, ask any unanswered questions, and gain clearer understanding of what happened.
- Receive an apology – Talking opens the door for an apology and amends. This may help facilitate forgiveness, increased understanding, and healing.
- Preserve the relationship – If it’s someone you care about and want to keep in your life, communication presents an opportunity to rebuild trust and set expectations for the future.
- Personal growth – Confronting interpersonal challenges can help you gain confidence, learn conflict management skills, and develop increased emotional intelligence when navigating relationships.
Why you may not want to talk to them
Here are some potential reasons you may want to avoid further contact:
- More hurt – You may not be ready to engage in a vulnerable conversation, or feel it could cause additional emotional damage.
- No accountability – The person may not take responsibility or change their harmful behaviors. This could leave you feeling frustrated and invalidated.
- Reopened wounds – Talking may resurface painful feelings and memories you have been trying to move past. The hurt may feel too fresh.
- Safety concerns – In cases of abuse, trauma, or manipulation, speaking to the individual may seem unsafe or revictimizing.
Questions to ask yourself
Reflect on the following questions to gain clarity:
- What was the nature of my relationship with this person?
- What happened that caused harm?
- What specifically did they do and how did it impact me?
- Do I still feel actively hurt and angry, or have I gained some distance and perspective?
- What do I need or hope to achieve by speaking to them?
- What response can I reasonably expect?
- Am I in an emotionally safe space to engage in this conversation?
- Could it cause additional stress and negativity in my life?
- Am I willing and able to enforce boundaries if needed?
- Will ignoring the pain help it go away or am I just avoiding facing it?
- Is this someone I want to preserve a relationship with, or are they too toxic?
- Will I regret it later if I don’t speak up?
Consider different scenarios
Envision how the conversation could go, both positive and negative outcomes:
Best case scenario
- They validate your feelings and apologize sincerely.
- You gain insight into why they behaved as they did.
- They demonstrate accountability and changed behavior.
- You find closure and are able to forgive.
- Your relationship strengthens with greater trust and understanding.
- You gain confidence in conflict resolution skills.
Worst case scenario
- They become angry, defensive, or deny wrongdoing.
- The conversation escalates into an argument rather than a dialogue.
- You leave feeling dismissed, invalidated, or harmed further.
- No progress is made and the divide between you grows.
- You regret interacting and feel you reopened old wounds.
- You realize the relationship is too toxic to save.
Most likely outcome
- They listen but may not fully own up to their actions.
- You find some relief in getting feelings off your chest.
- Small steps are made but larger trust must be rebuilt over time.
- You may not get the perfect apology hoped for but gain some insight.
- The relationship is scarred but you both agree to move forward.
- There are awkward moments but also some healing.
Set the right expectations
To avoid further disappointment, set realistic expectations. Do not expect:
- Full admission of wrongdoing and perfect apology
- All your emotional needs to be met and total closure
- Your feelings about the situation to be instantly resolved
- Them to change who they are as a person
- The relationship to go completely back to how it was before
More realistic expectations include:
- Them listening respectfully, even if defensively
- A conversation focused on understanding one another
- Progress in healing rift but work still required
- Increased self-knowledge and conflict resolution skills
Have end goals in mind
Determine what end results you hope to achieve. This helps set purpose and metrics for success. Examples may include:
- Hearing their perspective
- Communicating your feelings and needs
- Receiving an apology
- Agreeing to respectful behavior expectations moving forward
- Increased clarity to make decisions about the relationship
- Closure to disengage from the relationship
- Strengthening the bond with new understanding
Pick the right time and place
To set the conversation up for success:
- Allow some time to gain perspective first, don’t confront in height of emotions
- Pick a private location free of distractions where you can speak calmly
- Discuss at a time when you are both free and not rushed or preoccupied
- Consider writing thoughts in a letter first to organize them
- If needed, bring a neutral third party mediator you both trust
Approach with care and openness
Have the mindset of seeking mutual understanding, even if agreement isn’t reached. Strategies include:
- Lead with open-ended questions rather than accusations
- Speak using “I feel…” statements about your experience
- Assume good intent and give them the benefit of the doubt
- Listen fully to their perspective and Repeat back what you hear
- If emotions escalate, take a break and come back to the topic
- Look for areas you may have contributed to the rift and own your role
- Offer empathy while still maintaining your boundaries
Have alternate routes of resolution
Be prepared with next steps if the conversation goes positively or negatively:
- If productive: Explore what you both want moving forward and how to get there. Agree on next check-ins.
- If unproductive: You may need to limit contact, set firmer boundaries, involve a counselor, or even cut ties.
- If concerns arise: Have resources like helplines available. Don’t hesitate to seek outside support.
Consider involving a mediator
For tricky situations, a neutral third party can help. A mediator:
- Facilitates respectful dialogue and prevents escalation
- Keeps conversation focused and on track
- Provides outside perspective
- Ensures needs being expressed are heard
- Can follow up on progress after the talks
Types of third parties to involve:
- Mutual trusted friend or family member
- Religious or spiritual leader
- Therapist or counselor
- Mediation professional
What to do during the conversation
These tips can help communication be productive:
- Set ground rules about listening, respect, and confidentiality
- Take turns speaking without interruption
- Avoid blaming and stick to “I feel…” statements
- Ask clarifying questions to fully understand their perspective
- Summarize periodically what you’ve each expressed
- If needed, take breaks to regroup your thoughts
- Find areas of agreement to build common ground
- Agree on outcomes, boundaries, and next steps
- Express appreciation for their time and willingness to talk
Sample conversation outline
Use the outline below as a guide. Tailor your actual conversation to your own needs and situation.
- Set the context: Explain your purpose for meeting and ground rules
- Share your perspective: Express how you felt hurt, and what you needed
- Ask for their view: Inquire about their thoughts, motivations, and feelings
- Find common ground: Reflect back the valid viewpoints on both sides
- Discuss needs: State what you each need to move forward now
- Establish boundaries: Agree on clear expectations for your interactions and relationship
- Look to the future: Decide on next steps and when to follow up
- Express appreciation: Thank them for their time and be optimistic, but realistic
What to do after the conversation
Keep the momentum going by:
- Processing with a trusted friend or counselor
- Journaling about remaining thoughts and feelings
- Assessing if your goals were met and relationship improved
- Considering any additional boundaries or actions needed
- Practicing self-care like exercise, hobbies, and relaxing activities
- Monitoring your mood and getting help if emotions worsen
- Celebrating progress made and focusing on personal growth
When talking may not help
In certain situations, speaking to the person may be unwise or unsafe. Examples include:
- Abusive relationship
- Someone who denies reality or cannot take responsibility
- If you were victimized by assault, crime, trauma
- Person has untreated mental illness or addiction
- Your physical or mental safety would be endangered
- Restraining order is in place
- Advancement would undermine a legal case
In these instances, it may be best to avoid contact and seek alternative support through:
- Speaking to police and/or legal counsel
- Engaging professional help like a trauma therapist
- Turning to trusted friends and family for support
- Focusing inward on your own healing and growth
Conclusion
Deciding whether to talk through hurt with someone depends on many personal factors. While there are benefits to open communication, there are also situations where avoidance is wiser. Look within, weigh your needs, and proceed with caution. With time and guidance, you can determine the healthiest path forward.