What is codependency?
Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependence are an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity, as well as difficulty with relationships and intimacy.
Codependents often focus on “fixing” others in their relationships rather than working on their own issues. They derive a sense of purpose through relationships, many times to the detriment of their own well-being. Codependency crosses a line from caring and supporting to enabling and rescuing.
What causes codependency?
There are a few key factors that can lead someone to become codependent:
- Childhood trauma – Growing up in a dysfunctional family where emotional needs weren’t met can predispose someone to codependent behaviors as an adult. This may include neglect, abuse, or having a parent with addiction issues.
- Low self-esteem – Codependents often don’t have a strong sense of self-worth separate from others. They rely too heavily on relationships for validation.
- Learned coping behaviors – Codependents adopt certain strategies growing up to find safety, care, and a sense of self. Even if these behaviors become maladaptive later on, they can be hard to unlearn.
- Biology and temperament – Some research points to a genetic predisposition towards codependency in certain people.
- Sociocultural factors – Cultural norms around gender roles, family dynamics, and stoicism can reinforce codependent patterns.
Ultimately codependency arises from a combination of environmental influences and personality traits that make a person more prone to putting other’s needs before their own.
What are the signs and symptoms of codependency?
Some key signs and characteristics of codependent relationships include:
Poor boundaries
Codependents have porous or weak personal boundaries. They let others’ behaviors affect them too much. This also manifests as difficulty saying no.
Caretaking and pleasing
Codependents feel responsible for others’ feelings, needs, wants, and priorities. Their self-worth comes from helping and pleasing.
Poor communication
Codependents have problems being assertive and expressing their own needs. They may be passive-aggressive or avoid conflict.
Obsession and preoccupation
Codependents feel compelled to help others to the point of obsession, neglecting their own needs. Their thoughts constantly return to the other person.
Dependency
Codependents look to relationships for safety, identity, and self-esteem. They idealize partners and become emotionally dependent on them for validation.
Denial
Codependents tend to minimize, rationalize, or deny problems. They avoid looking at painful truths that would require them to make changes.
Loss of identity
Codependents lose connection with their own values, interests, and sense of self. Their identity becomes enmeshed with their partner.
Shame and low self-worth
Codependents often feel insecure and inadequate. They minimize their own needs and tolerate unacceptable behavior.
Control
Codependents try to control loved ones through help, advice, money, guilt, or other manipulation to avoid abandonment.
Lack of trust
Codependents have trouble trusting themselves, others, and the future. This leads to possessiveness, constant reading into behaviors, and worst-case scenario thinking.
How does codependency affect relationships?
Codependency significantly impacts romantic relationships, friendships, and family dynamics. Some key effects include:
Unbalanced relationships
Codependent relationships become lopsided with one partner’s needs dominating. The codependent’s focus on the other leaves their own needs unfulfilled.
Loss of intimacy
True intimacy requires equals with a sense of separate identity. Codependents idealize partners and neglect their own feelings, leading to a loss of emotional intimacy.
Resentment
Codependents give up too much of self, leading to buried anger and resentment towards partners. They deny these feelings though and focus on the needs of others.
Relationship stress
The dynamics of codependency drain both partners. The enabler becomes burned out while the dependent is never challenged to help themselves.
Communication issues
Open and assertive communication suffers in codependent relationships. Honesty gives way to passive-aggressive or controlling behaviors.
Difficulty leaving
Despite the imbalance and unhappiness, codependents have an incredibly hard time leaving dysfunctional relationships due to a sense of obligation and low self-esteem.
Repeated toxic relationships
Codependents are prone to repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns again and again, often with partners mismatched in extremes (e.g. a drug addict).
What are the different types of codependency roles?
The Martyr
Martyrs are constantly sacrificing their own needs for others. They feel virtuous in their suffering and inability to say no.
The Rescuer
Rescuers feel compelled to save and protect people who appear helpless, unfortunate, or struggling, even when unwanted.
The People Pleaser
People pleasers will do anything to earn approval, validation, and acceptance. Saying no causes tremendous anxiety.
The Victim
Victims feel powerless over their lives. They avoid responsibility by seeing themselves as persecuted or disadvantaged.
The Manipulator
Manipulators use guilt, obligation, helplessness, or threats to control others and get their needs met.
The Enabler
Enablers support a loved one’s addiction or poor coping strategies. Their efforts allow dysfunction to continue.
The Mover
Movers react to and adjust their behavior based on the real or anticipated reactions of others. They have no sense of self.
What are some examples of codependent behavior?
- Giving unsolicited advice and help even when people don’t want it
- Having poor boundaries and saying yes when you want to say no
- Staying in toxic, abusive, or dead-end relationships
- Fixating on and trying to “rescue” others from their problems
- Feeling responsible for loved ones’ happiness and well-being
- Paying more than your share of expenses to avoid guilt, resentment, or abandonment
- Overfunctioning at home or work to compensate for others’ underfunctioning
- Lying or hiding the truth to avoid consequences for others
- Having no close friends or interests outside of your partner or family
- Feeling insecure, jealous, or needy in relationships
What are the effects of codependency on mental health?
The dysfunctional relationship patterns of codependency can negatively impact mental health in many ways:
Low self-esteem
Putting others’ needs first erodes self-worth over time. Codependents feel guilty about self-care and meeting their own needs.
High stress and anxiety
The excessive caretaking, managing others’ moods, and lack of control over one’s life leads to chronic stress. Codependents often develop anxiety disorders.
Depression
Depression is common among codependents from unfulfilling one-sided relationships, buried anger, and loss of identity. Substance abuse frequently co-occurs.
Poor boundaries
With weak personal boundaries, codependents take on others’ problems and become enmeshed. This can trigger serious mental health issues.
Obsessive thoughts
The preoccupation and compulsion to help others can turn into obsessive thinking patterns. Codependents obsess over details, worst-case scenarios, and saving loved ones.
Denial
Codependents use denial to cope with the reality of addiction, abuse, or illness in their relationships. This prevents addressing problems.
How is codependency treated through therapy and counseling?
Codependency requires therapy and counseling to overcome, with a few key goals:
Increasing self-awareness
Therapists help codependents understand the origins of their behavior and recognize its effects on relationships, self-esteem, and mental health.
Setting boundaries
An essential lesson is learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries around giving, people-pleasing, and caretaking.
Working on self-esteem
Codependents need to redevelop a strong sense of self-worth, self-efficacy, and identity apart from others.
Learning to meet your needs
Codependents must become assertive about recognizing and voicing their own needs while respecting others’ autonomy.
Addressing past trauma
Therapists use techniques like EMDR to process traumatic experiences that may contribute to codependency.
Developing coping skills
Codependents learn healthier coping skills to reduce anxiety, handle problems, and cultivate intimacy.
Joining support groups
Peer support groups provide ongoing assistance with setting boundaries, self-care, and making behavioral changes.
What are some tips for overcoming codependency?
Recovery from codependency involves making changes to thought patterns, behaviors, and relationships:
See it as an addiction
View codependency as an actual addiction to needing others’ approval, caretaking, and control. This motivates breaking the addiction.
Practice self-care
Make self-care a priority: set aside regular time for activities and hobbies you enjoy, just for yourself. Follow through consistently.
Work on saying no
Practice saying no to inappropriate demands from others, even loved ones. Start small if needed, saying no to little requests first to build confidence.
Avoid toxic people
Cut ties with individuals who take advantage of you or disregard your needs. Limit contact with those who pressure you into a caretaking role.
Attend Codependents Anonymous
Find a local Codependents Anonymous group for peer support. Share your experiences and learn from others overcoming codependency.
Examine your motivations
Whenever you feel compelled to help or rescue someone, pause and examine your true motivations. Are you really helping them or just yourself?
Make your needs a priority
Practice asserting your needs and boundaries in constructive ways. Don’t let guilt derail you from self-care.
Change negative self-talk
Challenge thoughts like “I don’t matter” or “My needs aren’t important.” Replace these with positive affirmations of self-worth.
Let others handle their responsibilities
Don’t take on tasks or issues that loved ones ought to be handling. Let them experience their own consequences and learn.
What are the long-term effects of untreated codependency?
Without treatment, codependency tends to worsen over time. Some potential long-term effects include:
Worsening self-neglect
Codependents increasingly prioritize others at their own expense, leading to worse self-care and inability to have needs met.
Damaged relationships
One-sided dysfunctional relationship patterns eventually damage bonds with friends and partners as resentment builds.
Ongoing abuse or toxicity
Codependents remain “stuck” in abusive, addictive, or toxic relationships due to an inability to set boundaries.
Deepening depression
Chronic self-neglect, loss of identity, and relationship problems set the stage for worsening clinical depression.
Increased anxiety
With no boundaries and eroded self-esteem, codependents experience escalating stress and anxiety from trying to control everything.
Alcohol or drug abuse
Codependents have high rates of eventually turning to substance abuse to cope with unhappiness and emotional pain.
Complex PTSD
Repeated exposure to relational trauma can morph codependency into complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
Hospitalization and crisis
Extreme mental health impacts of untreated codependency like suicidality may require psychiatric hospitalization.
Conclusion
Codependency creates dysfunctional relationship patterns of enabling and excessive caretaking. The mental health consequences can be severe with long-term impairment if not treated through counseling. Recovery involves learning to set boundaries, improve self-esteem, and prioritize self-care. With practice and support, codependents can overcome destructive habits and build healthier, more balanced relationships.