Narcissists often engage in arguments and conflicts with others. Their sense of grandiosity and entitlement leads them to make demands on people around them. When challenged or criticized, they are quick to defend themselves and invalidate others. Understanding the common arguments narcissists make can help identify narcissistic behavior.
They Dismiss Others’ Feelings
One of the key characteristics of narcissists is a lack of empathy. They are unable to understand or care about other people’s feelings and needs. When confronted about hurtful behavior, narcissists will dismiss any concerns as oversensitive or irrational. They may say things like:
- “You’re too sensitive, it was just a joke.”
- “I don’t know why you’re upset, I didn’t do anything wrong.”
- “You’re overreacting, as usual.”
By dismissing others’ emotions, they avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It enables them to continue their harmful behavior without remorse. They portray the other person as irrational rather than acknowledging their own inconsiderate acts.
They Play the Victim
Another common tactic is playing the victim or martyr. Narcissists portray themselves as blameless and unfairly persecuted. They flip situations around to make it seem like the other person is mistreating them. Some examples of victim playing include:
- “I don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
- “No matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough for you.”
- “You always have to make me feel bad about myself.”
- “I’m doing the best I can, stop attacking me.”
This serves to garner sympathy and evade accountability. By focusing on their own perceived suffering, narcissists divert attention from their harmful actions. They act wounded and offended to put the other person on the defensive.
They Project Blame
Narcissists also like to turn the blame outward. Whatever they are accused of, they will find a way to pin it on someone else. Common projection tactics include:
- “Well you did this first, so…”
- “I wouldn’t get so angry if you weren’t so difficult.”
- “You caused this, not me.”
- “If you weren’t so selfish, I wouldn’t have to.”
This type of projection denies ownership of faults or flaws. By offloading blame, narcissists shield their fragile self-image. Admitting wrongdoing would shatter their illusion of perfection. So they reflexively shift culpability to preserve their sense of superiority.
They Make Excuses
Rather than genuinely apologize, narcissists are prone to making excuses for their behavior. They try to justify their actions by blaming external factors. Some of their favorite excuses include:
- “I’m under a lot of stress right now.”
- “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
- “I have a medical condition that makes me act this way.”
- “It’s just how I was raised, I can’t help it.”
These excuses serve to mitigate their responsibility. Narcissists avoid admitting failure or shortcomings by citing circumstantial reasons for their conduct. They portray themselves as helpless to control their actions, rather than taking ownership.
They Deny Wrongdoing
When all else fails, narcissists resort to outright denial. They stubbornly insist that they did nothing wrong, even when faced with clear evidence. Some of their denial statements include:
- “I never said/did that, you’re imagining things.”
- “That’s not true at all, you have no proof.”
- “You’re lying, I would never do something like that.”
- “That didn’t happen, you made it up to make me look bad.”
Denial allows narcissists to rewrite reality so they always appear perfect. By flatly rejecting any criticism or flaws, they protect their grandiose facade. Admitting fault or imperfection would shatter their inflated self-image.
They Use Flattery
Narcissists rely heavily on flattery and charm to get what they want. When trying to evade consequences, they pour on insincere praise and compliments. Some examples include:
- “You’re amazing, I don’t deserve someone as good as you.”
- “You’re the most kind, caring person I know.”
- “You’re the only one who really understands me.”
- “I’m so grateful to have you in my life.”
This excessive flattery is designed to manipulate. By buttering people up, narcissists hope to avoid repercussions for their misdeeds. They use syrupy compliments to highlight their partner’s best qualities, avoiding discussion of their own faults. It’s a diversionary tactic.
They Triangulate
Narcissists frequently triangulate, pulling in third parties to validate their point of view. They rally allies to back up their own narrative. For example, they might say:
- “I asked my friends, and they all think you’re too sensitive.”
- “My therapist says I’m not the problem, you are.”
- “Your own mother agrees that you’re unreasonable.”
This triangulation offers the illusion of support. Rather than directly address conflicts, narcissists bring in others to corroborate their perspective. It enables them to perpetuate false narratives about their relationships.
They Criticize and Judge
Narcissists frequently put others down to elevate themselves. They jump at opportunities to criticize and judge harshly. For instance, they might say:
- “God, you’re so stupid sometimes.”
- “You don’t know the first thing about fashion/culture/politics.”
- “You need to lose some weight if you ever want to find someone.”
- “I can’t introduce you to my friends looking like that.”
This cruel criticism aims to chip away at the other person’s self-esteem. By putting them down, narcissists boost their own fragile egos. Making people feel small allows narcissists to feel superior by comparison.
They Lie and Twist the Truth
Since image is everything to narcissists, they have no qualms about deceiving and twisting facts. They freely rewrite narratives to make themselves look better. Some ways they distort the truth include:
- Lying by omission (leaving out crucial details)
- Denying promises were made
- Exaggerate or fabricate events
- Using misleading statements or double meanings
By skewing the truth, narcissists evade accountability for their misdeeds. Their words cannot be taken at face value, as they have no problem deceiving for their own gain.
They Accuse You of Abuse
A common narcissistic tactic is to accuse their partner of abuse rather than take responsibility for their own abusive actions. They may claim:
- “You’re the one abusing me.”
- “I’m scared of you and how angry you get.”
- “I can’t talk to you anymore until you get help.”
- “You need anger management counseling.”
This allows narcissists to flip the script and paint their victims as the villains. It provides cover for their own toxic behavior. By gaslighting people into believing they are unstable or violent, narcissists undermine their partner’s sanity and perception of reality.
Conclusion
In conversations with narcissists, you can expect plenty of manipulation, redirection, and distortions of the truth. Their main concern is protecting their grandiose self-image. By shifting blame, playing victim, criticizing others, and outright lying, narcissists reveal their sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.
When dealing with narcissistic arguments, don’t expect accountability, compromise, or sincere collaboration. Setting boundaries and being aware of their common tactics is essential to protect yourself in these one-sided dynamics.