Second marriages face unique challenges that can lead to a higher divorce rate than first marriages. While every relationship is different, there are some common pitfalls that couples should be aware of when embarking on marriage the second time around.
Unresolved Feelings from the First Marriage
One of the top reasons second marriages fail is that one or both partners have not fully healed from their first divorce. They may still harbor resentment, anger, disappointment or other negative emotions. This can sabotage the new relationship in many ways:
- Comparing the new spouse to the ex-spouse
- Withholding affection or commitment due to distrust
- Letting past hurt affect their views on marriage
- Bringing up previous issues repeatedly
Experts recommend taking at least one year between divorces to process the end of the first marriage. Individual counseling can also help deal with unresolved feelings before jumping into another commitment.
Unrealistic Expectations
Partners getting remarried often expect their second marriage to be perfect, especially if the first one ended badly. They want their new spouse to be everything their ex was not. This idealism sets the bar too high for any relationship to succeed long-term. Common unrealistic expectations include:
- Expecting the spouse to make you constantly happy
- Thinking disagreements or conflict mean the relationship is doomed
- Believing the marriage will be easy after the difficulties of divorce
Letting go of fantasies and accepting your partner as a flawed, changing human is vital. Discussing expectations openly can help couples avoid gridlock over unmet hopes. Premarital counseling is recommended to reality-check relationships before remarrying.
Children and Step-Family Issues
Second marriages have twice the rate of stepfamily dissolution as first marriages. Bringing children from previous relationships into a new marriage introduces many complexities:
- Discipline disagreements over stepchildren
- Children feeling loyal to one parent or caught in the middle
- Financial obligations to biological kids impacting the new couple
- Ex-spouses interfering through the children
- Unclear boundaries around the stepparent’s role
These issues can breed serious resentment and disconnect if not managed carefully. Couples should take time to gradually blend their families, keeping communication open. Consulting a family therapist can assist with navigating stepfamily challenges.
Financial Stress
Money problems plague many second marriages. Contributing factors may include:
- Paying alimony or child support from the previous marriage
- Blending finances and debts as a newly married couple
- Reduced income due to divorce costs or needing separate households
- Disagreements over spending, assets and financial support for stepchildren
Partners need to have candid discussions about their financial situations and debt obligations in the beginning. Developing a shared budget and financial plan can help avoid future arguments. Seeking legal and financial advice may also be wise for navigating assets, investments and taxes.
Lack of Commitment
After a painful divorce, some people are reluctant to commit fully to a second marriage. Partners may keep one foot out the door or avoid interdependence. Ways this can manifest:
- Refusing to combine finances or living together
- Remaining overly attached to ex-spouses or former in-laws
- Keeping aspects of life totally separate from your spouse
- Hesitating to make joint decisions or plans for the future
These behaviors undermine intimacy and stability in the new marriage. If deep hurts from the previous marriage make it hard to trust again, counseling provides a neutral space to address those fears. Partners also need to agree to let go of the past and fully invest in each other, despite divorce risks.
Poor Communication Patterns
How a couple talks through problems and relates day-to-day predicts divorce risk. Negative communication cycles like:
- Criticism or contempt toward each other
- Defensiveness and unwillingness to accept responsibility
- Stonewalling or shutting down during conflict
- Acting dismissive or superior over your spouse’s needs
These erode closeness over time. On the other hand, remarriages have the advantage of maturity. With self-awareness and relationship skills training, couples can break bad communication habits before they start.
Lack of Intimacy
Inadequate emotional and physical intimacy is another top indicator of problems in a second marriage. Some reasons intimacy falters:
- Partners grow apart due to poor communication
- Unresolved anger and hurts create distance
- Spouses don’t make the marriage a priority amid other commitments
- Stress and fatigue from jobs, parenting, or combining families
- Taking each other for granted and not nurturing closeness
Making intimacy and fun a regular part of the relationship prevents drift and dissatisfaction. Couples also need private time away from other obligations. Counseling can uncover hidden barriers like past abuse, medical issues or anxiety affecting closeness.
Substance Abuse
Turning to excessive alcohol, drugs, gambling or other addictions to cope with divorce stress or mental health issues will wreak havoc in a second marriage. If preexisting addictions resurface they can also derail the new relationship.
Addictive behaviors drain finances, destroy trust, and make partners emotionally unavailable. The spouse of an addict often becomes codependent trying to control their partner’s addiction. This dynamic is toxic for marriages.
Getting substance abuse or mental health issues under control before dating again is best. Therapy plus support groups provide tools for managing addiction. Partners should agree on healthy boundaries around substance use.
Lack of Community Support
Remarriages may face disapproval or lack of support from:
- Family members loyal to a former son/daughter-in-law
- Friends who only know one spouse’s side of the story
- In-laws who blame the new partner for family division
- People who see divorce and remarriage as taboo
This can isolate the couple and remove key social supports. Partners should surround themselves with open-minded friends and community groups. Seeking counseling or joining a stepfamily support group connects couples with those who understand unique second marriage challenges.
Poor Partner Selection
Those eager to remarry quickly after divorce may overlook red flags and compatibility issues in a new partner. Common problems include:
- Marrying someone with the same faults as the ex-spouse
- Confusing chemistry and infatuation for love
- Ignoring warning signs of a partner’s anger, control issues, untreated trauma, etc.
- Rushing marriage without taking enough time to get to know someone
Post-divorce desperation to be married again can impair judgment. Being self-aware about past mistakes, and drawing out courtship timelines helps avoid picking the wrong person again.
External Stressors
Major stressors like:
- Job loss or change
- Relocation
- Illness or death in the family
- Caring for aging parents
- Financial crisis
Can tax even the strongest marriage. Without resilient coping skills and a solid friendship, such blows can quickly expose cracks in the relationship. Couples need tools like stress management, assertive communication, and seeking support to weather external stressors together.
Lack of Preparation for Remarriage
Many couples fail to take time to build a strong foundation before remarriage. They may neglect to:
- Get premarital counseling
- Discuss expectations, roles, boundaries with stepchildren
- Agree on financial matters, living situations
- Address mental health, addiction or trauma issues
- Learn better relationship skills
Taking time to work through big questions sets up greater success. Premarital inventories can uncover potential areas of conflict. Experts also recommend customized premarital counseling for remarriage situations.
Conclusion
While all marriages face obstacles, second marriages have special challenges given their beginnings from divorce. Unresolved baggage, children from previous relationships, financial stress, family disapproval, and communication issues impact remarriage satisfaction and stability.
However, being aware of these pitfalls allows couples to intentionally prepare for success together. Seeking counseling, allowing proper transition time, setting realistic expectations, and learning relationship skills helps prevent history from repeating itself. With commitment, vulnerability and ongoing effort, partners can beat the odds to build a fulfilling life together.