A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance as well as lacks empathy toward others but can act in a different way than an overt narcissist. Unlike overt narcissists, who demand to be the center of attention, covert narcissists are more sly. They tend to be shy, insecure, hypersensitive, and vulnerable on the surface but are very self-absorbed and manipulative in relationships. Covert narcissism is one of the most difficult personality disorders to identify, but there are several key behaviors that reveal what covert narcissists do in relationships.
What are the characteristics of covert narcissism?
Some key characteristics that covert narcissists display include:
- Hypersensitivity and insecurity – They are very defensive and take things personally.
- Passive-aggressiveness – They express aggression in passive, indirect ways such as sarcasm, stubbornness, procrastination, sulking, or deliberate inefficiency.
- Victim mentality – They often see themselves as unfortunate victims of circumstances or someone else’s behavior and elicit sympathy.
- Grandiosity – They have an over-inflated sense of superiority and entitlement.
- Manipulation – They use guilt trips, gaslighting, pity plays, and other tactics to control others.
- Jealousy and envy – They have disdain for and react strongly to others getting attention and praise.
- Lack of empathy – They are unable to understand or respond to others’ needs and feelings.
What manipulation tactics do covert narcissists use?
Covert narcissists use various tactics to manipulate their romantic partners, family, friends, and colleagues in relationships. Some of the key manipulation tactics covert narcissists use include:
Gaslighting
Gaslighting refers to the act of deliberately distorting reality to get someone else (the target) to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or judgments. For example, a covert narcissist partner may convince their spouse that the spouse is exaggerating or imagining the abuse, even though the abuse is real. The covert narcissist may insist the spouse remembers things incorrectly until they start to doubt their own version of events.
Guilt-Tripping
Covert narcissists are prone to guilt-tripping which refers to suggesting someone is ungrateful, selfish or uncaring if they do not go along with the narcissist’s wishes. They make their partners feel guilty and obligated to fulfill their needs. For example, a narcissistic parent may say to their child, “I sacrificed so much for you, and this is how you repay me?” if the child does not do what the parent wants.
Projection
This refers to taking traits, behaviors, or emotions they see as unacceptable and attributing them to another person. For example, a cheating spouse who accuses their partner of infidelity. By projecting the blame, they absolve themselves of guilt while making their partner defend against false allegations.
Pity Plays
Covert narcissists often play the victim to garner sympathy and support from others. For instance, they may exaggerate health problems, family concerns, work issues or their own anxieties to get attention and support. Partners and friends get manipulated into providing emotional support.
Sabotage
Covert narcissists may deliberately undermine their partners to make them lose confidence and remain dependent on the narcissist. Tactics include being late to important events, embarrassing partners publicly, flirting with others in front of a partner, putting them down by saying no one else would want them, etc. The partner feels powerless while relying more on the narcissist.
How do covert narcissists behave in romantic relationships?
Covert narcissists engage in certain typical behaviors in romantic relationships that undermine their partners and keep partners off-balance. Some patterns to be aware of include:
Love bombing early in the relationship
Narcissists tend to come on very strong at the start of relationships. They shower partners with flattery, gifts, attention, and compliments. This makes the partner feel extremely valued and validated. However, the excessive praise is ultimately about the narcissist’s needs, not the partner’s.
Devaluation stage
After love bombing, narcissists start to devalue and belittle their romantic partners through insults, shaming, gaslighting, and other means. Partners start to feel worthless, anxious and dependent on the narcissist’s approval. The partner believes they must work harder to regain the narcissist’s initial praise and validation.
Withholding affection strategically
Covert narcissists give affection intermittently. When they want something, they act especially warm and loving to get the partner to agree. But if the partner ever needs something, the narcissist withdraws affection and guilt trips them. The partner is conditioned never to expect consistent support.
Control and power plays
Covert narcissists need to feel in control and will find ways to assert dominance in the relationship. For example, they decide where to go, who their partner can see, what to spend money on, etc. If the partner ever tries to assert their needs, the narcissist will make them feel like they are being unreasonable or demanding. The partner gives in, and the control is maintained.
Undermining confidence
Through criticism, gaslighting, and other means, the covert narcissist slowly undermines their romantic partner’s confidence. With enough erosion over time, the partner starts to believe they are incompetent or unworthy without the narcissist. They depend heavily on praise from the narcissist just to feel okay about themselves on a daily basis.
Feigning victimhood
Whenever the partner raises legitimate concerns or needs in the relationship, the covert narcissist turns it around to make themselves seem like the victim. They guilt trip the partner into reassuring them and letting things go. This pattern makes the partner reluctant to assert their needs going forward. They walk on eggshells to avoid looking like the “bad guy.”
Blame-shifting and projections
Narcissists deflect accountability for their wrongdoings by shifting blame onto others – even their loyal partners. They may accuse their partner of flaws and misdeeds that are actually true of the narcissist. Partners get stuck desperately trying to defend themselves against false allegations.
How do covert narcissists treat family members?
Covert narcissism can be extremely destructive in familial relationships, even though it may be less obvious than overt narcissism. Some patterns include:
Scapegoating select family members
The covert narcissist often targets one family member as the “problem person” or scapegoat. They blame this person for family stresses and conflicts. The rest of the family gets manipulated into believing the scapegoat deserves criticism and isolation.
Triangulation
In efforts to gain allies and cause conflict, covert narcissists share private information about one family member with another family member. This triangulation strains relationships and erodes trust within the family.
Undermining parenting
A covertly narcissistic parent will try to sabotage the other parent’s discipline and parental authority with the children. For example, if one parent grounds a child, the covert narcissist tells the child the punishment is unfair. This makes effective co-parenting very difficult.
Emotional incest with children
This refers to treating a child more like a partner or friend than a child. The narcissistic parent turns to the child for emotional support rather than nurturing the child’s needs. The child feels burdened to comfort the parent rather than being nurtured themselves.
Superiority and entitlement
The covert narcissist believes they deserve special treatment and exceptions from any family rules or responsibilities. They may explode with rage if they feel this entitlement is not sufficiently met. Other family members feel forced to tiptoe around the narcissist’s needs.
Chronic shaming and criticism
Covertly narcissistic family members consistently shame and criticize other family members – often disguised as “constructive” feedback. The targets feel anxious to gain the narcissist’s approval and are unable to recognize or defend against the manipulation.
How do covert narcissists treat friends and colleagues?
Covert narcissism also wreaks havoc on platonic relationships with friends and colleagues. Some patterns to watch for include:
Hot and cold friendship style
Narcissistic friends “love bomb” new acquaintances with excessive praise and attention. But once they have the friend under their influence, they blow hot and cold – ignoring the friend sometimes and then laying on praise/charm again when they want something. Real friendship feels perpetually out of grasp.
Backhanded compliments
Covert narcissists sneakily put down friends with remarks framed as compliments or jokes. For example, they may say to a friend who just shared some good news, “Wow, it’s so cute you’re excited about this little accomplishment!” The friend feels uneasy and unable to react.
Mirroring
To lure in potential friends and colleagues, covert narcissists will imitate their goals, interests, opinions and even personality style. This mirroring convinces the target they have so much in common. But the mirroring facade fades once the narcissist secures the friendship or professional alliance they wanted.
Gossiping and rumor spreading
Covert narcissists bond with colleagues by gossiping. But they will just as easily spread negative rumors about the same colleagues if they feel rejected, slighted or upstaged. Colleagues often feel backstabbed once they realize the narcissist’s loyalty shifts so swiftly.
Sabotage
If a colleague acquires more clout, attention or praise than the covert narcissist, the narcissist may try to sabotage that colleague’s projects and reputation behind the scenes. Tactics include taking credit, sowing misinformation, or secretly turning superiors against the colleague. It is chilling how quickly friends and allies get targeted once envied.
How do covert narcissists react to perceived slights or criticism?
Covert narcissists are hypersensitive to any perceived slights, criticism, or disrespect – even when none is intended. Their reactions to feeling criticized or “injured” can be extreme, including:
Vicious rage attacks
Behind closed doors, covert narcissists may unleash explosive rages, threats, property destruction, and physical violence when they feel insulted. Even a minor comment can trigger a frightening eruption of anger. The attacked person is left traumatized.
Vindictive vendettas
Unlike overt narcissists who demand apologies, covert narcissists bottle up their rage and plot revenge against the person they feel betrayed by. Their vengeance can be enacted through secret sabotage of the person’s job, relationships, or reputation. It is strategic and merciless.
Silent treatment
When upset with someone, covert narcissists give them the silent treatment and withdraw emotionally for days or weeks as punishment. The silence often feels more frightening to loved ones than explosive anger. The ignored person becomes preoccupied with placating the narcissist.
Distortion campaigns
Covert narcissists methodically distort the truth about another person (who wounded their ego) to third parties. They assassinate the person’s character in whispers to friends to destroy their credibility and reputation. It is very hard to defend against or undo.
DARVO tactics
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. When accused of wrongdoing, the covert narcissist uses this tactic to turn the tables by denying it, attacking the accuser, and portraying themselves as the victim. The accuser gets vilified while they play innocent.
Sadistic pleasure
Covert narcissists enjoy feeling powerful by “punishing” people who they believe wounded them. Watching people crumble under their abuses provides them perverse pleasure and further justifies their lack of empathy. They feel invincible while inflicting harm through callous manipulations.
Why is it so hard to recognize covert narcissism?
Covert narcissism is tricky to recognize for several reasons, including:
- They appear sensitive and vulnerable rather than arrogant.
- Their manipulation is largely through emotional abuse and passive aggression, rather than overt demands.
- Their poor treatment of others can be easily excused or blamed on stress, anxiety, depression or other issues.
- Their victims second-guess themselves and their own judgment, making it hard to trust their perceptions of abuse.
- Observers underestimate the deliberate malice behind the covert narcissist’s words and actions.
- Their over-the-top reactions to perceived slights keep their victims walking on eggshells.
- They thrive on playing the victim rather than owning their behaviors.
Essentially, their tactics of denial, blame-shifting, distortion and gaslighting obscure the manipulation and emotional abuse. Only directly calling out and challenging their tactics can unmask their scheme.
How can you tell if you are dealing with a covert narcissist?
There are several red flags that suggest someone might be a covert narcissist, such as:
- They take criticism poorly and react strongly to even gentle feedback.
- They have an attitude of entitlement and require special treatment.
- They constantly feel “injured” and offended by others’ words and actions.
- They hold grudges and silently plot revenge against people rather than calmly addressing issues.
- They gaslight partners and friends, distorting the truth about their behavior.
- They envy and resent others’ successes, feeling they deserve recognition instead.
- They believe they are intellectually, morally, creatively, or in some other way superior to most people.
- They believe they should not be held to the same rules or responsibilities as other people.
- They shift accountability for mistakes and wrongdoing onto others.
- They manipulate and exploit people for personal gain.
If someone exhibits a pattern of these behaviors, be wary. Their hypersensitivity, chronic envy, sense of entitlement, and lack of empathy indicate anti-social personality traits. Protect yourself by limiting contact, creating stronger boundaries, and directly challenging manipulation.
What are effective ways to cope with a covert narcissist?
Coping with a covert narcissist requires minimizing contact, creating stronger personal boundaries, seeking support, and directly interrupting their manipulation tactics. Useful strategies include:
- Avoid engaging – Do not argue, defend yourself, or try to reason with them. Disengage.
- Set firm boundaries – Make clear what behavior you will and will not accept from them.
- Break off contact – If possible, distance yourself both physically and emotionally from the narcissist.
- Seek peer validation – Talk to trusted allies to reality test the narcissist’s distortions about you.
- Speak up – Directly challenge deception, shaming, abuse by calling it out.
- Disconnect emotions – Work on detaching emotionally from the narcissist’s putdowns.
- Self-care – Nurture your physical, emotional and mental health with relaxation practices.
- Therapy – Seek professional counseling support to process the abuse and trauma.
The less you buy into a covert narcissist’s manipulation tactics, the less power they have over you. Setting boundaries and limiting all contact is often healthiest.
Conclusion
In conclusion, covert narcissists engage in chronic manipulation, deceit, hostility, and betrayal across all types of relationships. Their need for power and external validation drives them to control and exploit anyone they encounter, including romantic partners, family members, friends and colleagues. They use tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, shaming, projection, sabotage and distortion campaigns to undermine their victims mentally and emotionally. Their reactions to perceived slights can be shockingly vengeful and ruthless. Learning to recognize covert narcissism through their sense of entitlement, hypersensitivity, envy, lack of empathy and other red flags is key to protecting yourself. Minimizing contact and setting firm boundaries can help limit the damage inflicted by their toxic and exploitative tendencies. But ultimately, healing from covert narcissism requires tapping into one’s inner compassion and reclaiming a strong sense of self-worth.