Covert narcissists tend to be more introverted and use subtle manipulation tactics to get their needs met. Unlike overt narcissists who demand admiration, covert narcissists are more likely to play the victim or self-deprecate to gain sympathy and attention. Here are some common phrases and conversation tactics used by covert narcissists:
Fishing for Compliments
Covert narcissists frequently fish for compliments and validation from others. They may say things like:
- “Do you think I handled that situation well?”
- “What did you think of my presentation today?”
- “I’m feeling really insecure about how I look today.”
They pretend to seek feedback, but are really just looking for praise and ego-stroking. Any criticism or less-than-glowing review is met with defensiveness or self-pity.
Playing the Victim
Covert narcissists portray themselves as long-suffering victims in order to gain sympathy and invalidate others’ concerns. Some common victim-playing statements include:
- “You have no idea how much I’ve sacrificed for this family.”
- “No one appreciates how hard I work.”
- “You’re so lucky – you have everything handed to you on a silver platter.”
Their suffering is always worse than yours, and they resent you for not recognizing their unseen sacrifices and struggles.
Subtle Put-Downs
Covert narcissists take digs at others in subtle, deniable ways. Backhanded compliments, veiled insults, and minimizing language are common. For example:
- “That dress is so brave of you.”
- “Wow, you actually did a good job on that project for someone as inexperienced as you.”
- “You’re pretty smart for someone who never went to college.”
The insults are conveyed with an innocent, concerned tone that casts doubt on whether any insult was intended at all.
Projection
Covert narcissists often project their own flaws and wrongdoings onto others. Statements like these help absolve themselves of blame:
- “You’re the one being selfish here, not me.”
- “I’ve noticed you haven’t been pulling your weight around here lately.”
- “You’re unstable and irrational, I think you need help.”
Accusing you of the very flaws and behaviors they themselves struggle with allows them to feel better about their own shortcomings.
Guilt Trips
Covert narcissists are masters at layings guilt trips that manipulate you into giving them what they want. Watch out for statements like:
- “If you really loved me, you would do this for me.”
- “I guess I’ll just have to do everything myself, as usual.”
- “I stayed late to get this done for you, but I guess you don’t appreciate my help.”
Their tone is one of martyrdom and self-sacrifice, designed to make you feel guilty and indebted to them.
Self-Deprecation
On the surface, covert narcissists may appear humble and self-effacing. But their “woe-is-me” attitude is just a facade for drawing in sympathy and praise. Watch for remarks like:
- “I’m not pretty enough to pull off that look.”
- “I’m not smart enough to get into a good college.”
- “No one wants to date someone like me.”
This pits people against their own statements, forcing them to offer reassuring compliments to stroke the covert narcissist’s ego.
Mislabeling Others
Covert narcissists often assign negative labels and attributes to others so that they seem more reasonable and rational by comparison. For example:
- “You’re too sensitive, I’m just telling the truth.”
- “You need to relax, you’re too high-strung.”
- “I think you’re overreacting, as usual.”
Statements like these allow them to dismiss others’ thoughts and feelings as irrational overreactions.
Feigning Expertise
Covert narcissists often present themselves as experts on things they actually know little about. They make authoritative-sounding statements like:
- “Believe me, I know this industry better than anyone.”
- “Trust me, I’m right about this – I have a really high IQ.”
- “Leave it to me, I know exactly how to handle this situation.”
This establishes a facade of competence meant to disguise their deepest insecurities.
Soliciting Excessive Advice
Covert narcissists portray themselves as in need of constant guidance and advice to prove how caring and invested other people are in their lives. Excessive requests include:
- “What do you think I should order?”
- “Do you think I should go with the red or the blue?”
- “I don’t know what to do – can you decide for me?”
While seeming insecure or indecisive, this tactic actually measures people’s willingness to pamper the covert narcissist’s endless needs.
False Modesty
Covert narcissists maintain a facade of modesty while finding subtle ways to boast. False modesty statements include:
- “I’m not the best at this, but people say I’m talented.”
- “Everyone tells me I should be a model, but I don’t see it.”
- “I hate talking about my accomplishments.”
This allows them to brag under the guise of humility.
Surgically-Precise Questions
Covert narcissists probe for information with carefully crafted questions meant to reveal vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Examples include:
- “So have you put on a little weight recently?”
- “How are things going in your marriage?”
- “Is work getting stressful for you?”
They pretend to show friendly concern, but are really gathering intel for future manipulation.
Confiding Personally
Covert narcissists open up about carefully-selected personal details to create a false sense of intimacy and trust. Revelations include:
- “I’ve never told anyone this before, but…”
- “Can you keep a secret? I have to get this off my chest.”
- “I know I can trust you with this deeply personal thing…”
This vulnerable sharing draws people closer while concealing the narcissist’s true self.
Triangulation
Covert narcissists manufacture love triangles and drama between people as a way to remain the center of attention. Triangulating statements include:
- “Jenny said she was hurt you didn’t invite her to your party.”
- “Greg thinks you don’t like him anymore – did he do something wrong?”
- “Katy is jealous that we’ve been spending so much time together.”
By spreading misinformation, they maintain control and get narcissistic supply from the resulting conflicts.
Minimizing Their Bad Behavior
When covert narcissists mistreat others, they are quick to minimize and excuse their actions with statements like:
- “It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
- “You’re overreacting and being dramatic.”
- “I didn’t mean it like that, you misunderstood.”
Deflecting ownership of their behavior prevents being held accountable and having to change.
Withholding Affection
Covert narcissists deliberately withhold caring behavior as punishment for perceived slights or failures to comply with their desires. Icing-out statements include:
- “I don’t feel like being close right now.”
- “You’re on your own with that – I don’t have time.”
- “You should have thought of that before you upset me.”
By withdrawing intimacy and support, the narcissist maintains control through emotional blackmail.
Conclusion
In summary, covert narcissists use subtle conversational tactics to manipulate, exploit, and harvest narcissistic supply from others. Their façade of vulnerability and humility disguises deeply self-centered intentions. Being able to recognize their conversational patterns is the first step in disentangling from their manipulation.