When a narcissist is confronted with evidence of their lies, they will typically respond in a few common ways. First, they may flat out deny the allegation and insist they have done nothing wrong. Narcissists have a need to protect their inflated self-image, so admitting fault or wrongdoing does not come naturally to them. If outright denial does not work, the narcissist may try to rationalize, justify or explain away their behavior. They may say they had a good reason for lying, or try to deflect blame onto the person confronting them. Another common tactic is for the narcissist to go on the offensive and turn the situation around to make it seem like the other person is actually at fault. This puts the focus back on the narcissist as the “victim” rather than taking responsibility.
Why Do Narcissists Lie?
In order to understand how a narcissist reacts to being caught in a lie, it is important to understand why narcissists lie in the first place. Narcissists are motivated by protecting their grandiose self-image. Maintaining an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement is critical to the narcissist, so they will do whatever it takes to preserve this façade. Lying serves several purposes for the narcissist:
- Lying exaggerates their talents and accomplishments.
- Lying covers up their faults and misdeeds.
- Lying makes them seem more interesting and impressive.
- Lying helps them take advantage of people.
Narcissists lie out of habit, because it works to their advantage, and because they often have limited concern about being truthful. When caught in a lie, admitting it would shatter the perfect image they have constructed of themselves, so they default to self-protective postures and deflection.
Common Responses When Confronted
When the narcissist’s lies and exaggerations are pointed out by someone, they are likely to respond in certain ways:
Denial
One very common reaction is for the narcissist to vehemently deny they lied or did anything wrong. Despite being presented with contrary evidence, the narcissist insists their version of events is the truth and that they did not intentionally deceive. They will accuse the confronter of misconstruing events or making false accusations. This denial is rooted in the narcissist’s sense of entitlement and infallibility – they cannot be in the wrong, so they refuse to admit fault no matter how obvious the lie.
Rationalization
If denial does not work, the narcissist may try to justify their dishonesty by explaining their underlying “good” motivations. They may say they only lied to protect someone’s feelings, to gain an advantage that they feel entitled to, or because the other person somehow “deserved” it. They rationalize that they had good cause for being untruthful. Some narcissists will even try to turn the situation around by accusing the confronter of lying or having “false memories” of events.
Blame-shifting
Rather than take ownership, the narcissist may try to shift blame for their choices onto others. They may accuse the person confronting them of causing them to lie out of insecurity, mistrust, or some other deficiency the confronter has. In this way, they make the situation about the other person’s shortcomings rather than their own wrongful actions. Blame-shifting also often involves blaming external circumstances beyond their control.
Minimizing
Another way for narcissists to avoid taking responsibility is to minimize the severity of their lies. They may say their falsehoods were just innocent, little “white lies” that were not meant to hurt anyone. They will downplay the importance of their deceptions and exaggerations as if they are not a big deal. This again allows them to avoid culpability.
Attack
When pushed into a corner, many narcissists will go on the attack against the person confronting them. They may launch into narcissistic rage, using venomous and disproportionate attacks against the confronter. Or they may insult the person’s credibility, intelligence, or other attributes in an effort to seem superior. Attacking the accuser allows the narcissist to gain the upper hand while deflecting attention away from their own misconduct.
Victimhood
Finally, narcissists may invoke victimhood when their lies come to light. They switch to a “poor me” stance, painting themselves as the injured party and whining about the confronter’s cruelty for daring to criticize their behavior. Crying, moping, or sulking may ensue. The narcissist positions as the victim as a way to garner sympathy and evade accountability.
Why Confronting a Narcissist is Difficult
Trying to get a narcissist to admit they lied or did anything erroneous is often an exercise in futility. This is because their sense of superiority and infallibility does not allow them to be wrong. Here are some of the factors that make confronting a narcissist so frustrating:
- Their skewed version of reality – Narcissists literally see the world differently, so what you see as a clear lie may not register as such to them.
- cognitive distortions – Their thought patterns are full of denial, rationalization, projection and other defenses to avoid culpability.
- Delusions of grandeur – They have an ingrained belief they are special and always right.
- Spotty memory – Narcissists may genuinely not remember events the same way, due to self-centeredness.
- Bullheadedness – They stubbornly stick to their narrative no matter what evidence they are shown.
- Vindictiveness – They will fight back maliciously if challenged, stopping at nothing to protect their facade.
These narcissistic traits make getting a narcissist to own up to lies nearly impossible in most situations. They easily turn the tables on the confronter rather than looking inward at their own distortions and admit wrongdoing.
When Is Confrontation Appropriate?
If narcissists are so unlikely to acknowledge their lies, is it worth confronting them? In most relationships, it is better not to confront narcissists’ lies directly. Their reactions are predictable while you cannot control their responses. However, in certain circumstances, it may be appropriate to point out their dishonesty, including:
- In legal proceedings – Perjury charges may motivate narcissists to tell the truth if lies are provable.
- In therapy – An experienced therapist can facilitate introspection and accountability.
- To set boundaries – You may need to confront lies to make clear continued dishonesty will end the relationship.
- For closure – The satisfaction of revealing you see the truth may allow you to move on.
Even in these situations, the narcissist is unlikely to show remorse or take responsibility. But confronting them calmly may be beneficial for you. Just be prepared for the likely onslaught of outrage, attacks, denials, and projection in response.
Tips for Confronting a Narcissist
If you choose to point out a narcissist’s lies, keep the following tips in mind:
- Remain calm and detached – Do not get emotionally invested.
- Stick to the facts – Document evidence contradicting their version.
- Avoid expectations – Do not expect apologies, remorse or changed behavior.
- Be prepared for backlash – Expect rage, denial and/or vindictiveness.
- Stand firm – Do not get sidetracked trying to convince them.
- Let them rant – Allow them to vent without absorbing their reactions.
- Exit gracefully – State your piece then disengage.
Confronting a narcissist takes courage and preparation for an onslaught of manipulation, distortion and blame-shifting. It likely will not get them to own up to their lies. However, speaking the truth can be empowering and may influence some narcissists to be more careful with future lies. Those wise to their game will usually see through their denials and attacks to the heart of the matter – the narcissist was dishonest and got caught. Most narcissists will not admit a lie outright even presented with evidence, but a minority may learn over time to be more honest if consistently held accountable.
Why Narcissists Won’t Admit They Lied
Narcissists have an excessive need to protect their inflated self-images of superiority. Admitting they lied would mean acknowledging they are flawed and made a mistake. This deals a blow to their grandiose egos that their psyches work hard to avoid. Here is why facing the truth is so hard for narcissists:
- Shame – Feeling shame or guilt is profoundly painful for the narcissist.
- Appearing weak – Admissions of wrongdoing feel weak and threaten their bravado.
- Loss of control – They fear losing leverage and control over others’ perceptions.
- Sympathy – Having to be contrite and apologize is distasteful to them.
- Consequences – They may have to make amends or suffer consequences for lying.
Rather than face these blows to their egos, narcissists instinctively and insistently deny wrongdoing, obligating everyone else to buy into their manufactured version of reality. They are unable to move beyond their own needs to make moral choices. It is always someone else’s fault – not theirs.
How to Cope with a Narcissist’s Lies
Learning to manage a narcissist’s penchant for lying is an important skill. Since they are unlikely to stop or take responsibility, you must take steps to protect yourself from their dishonesty. Here are some ways to cope with a narcissist’s lies:
- Accept they have different version of reality – Do not argue, just let them have their own perceptions.
- Observe actions, not words – Note if words match behavior and look for real evidence.
- Assume embellishment – Take everything they say with a grain of salt.
- Pick your battles – Only confront major, provable falsehoods.
- Set boundaries – Refuse to tolerate lies about important matters.
- Find healthy support – Validate reality with trusted friends and relatives.
- Disengage – If deception continues, distance yourself emotionally and/or physically.
Getting caught up in every narcissistic lie will only drive you crazy. Developing resilience and learning to ignore or sidestep the many exaggerations and distortions they weave will help you stay grounded in reality.
When Is It Time to Walk Away from a Narcissist?
If confronting a narcissist directly does not curb their lying, you may need to consider distancing yourself or cutting ties altogether. At some point, the deception and drama narcissists bring to relationships makes keeping them in your life unhealthy and damaging. Here are some signs it may be time to walk away from a narcissist:
- Lies are causing real harm – Your life, livelihood or reputation is suffering.
- Pattern of deception – Lying and other toxic behavior is recurring despite interventions.
- Refusal to be accountable – They staunchly refuse to take responsibility and deflect blame.
- You feel gaslighted – You constantly question your own perceptions and sanity.
- Requests are ignored – Setting boundaries around dishonesty has no impact.
- Your needs aren’t met – The relationship is overwhelmingly one-sided.
- The negativity outweighs the positive – The friendship/relationship does more harm than good.
Ending relationships is difficult, especially if you care about the person. But at times, it truly is in your best interest when dealing with an incorrigible narcissist. Having compassion for their inner pain can help with detaching. But ultimately, you have to protect your own well-being. Surround yourself with honest, caring people and leave toxic narcissists behind.
Conclusion
Narcissists rely heavily on lies to prop up their inflated yet fragile self-images of perfection and superiority. When confronted with their own deceit, most narcissists will stubbornly insist on their own self-serving version of reality. Rather than take responsibility, they will go to great lengths to justify their dishonesty, attack the confronter, or make themselves into victims. It takes courage to call out narcissists on their lies, and wisdom to know if and when confrontation may be worth the predictable backlash. Setting boundaries around dishonesty and being willing to disengage are key for coping with narcissists and minimizing harm from their toxicity.