Giving a narcissist the silent treatment can often elicit a strong reaction from them. Narcissists have an inherent need to be admired and validated, so being ignored is one of their greatest fears. When faced with silence from someone, they will often go to great lengths to provoke a response. Here are some common things a narcissist might do when given the silent treatment:
Get angry and lash out
One of the most common reactions is for the narcissist to get very angry. They may yell, criticize, place blame, or hurl insults in an attempt to get a response. This serves the purpose of provoking an emotional reaction and satisfying their need for attention, even if it’s negative attention. They may act very entitled to your attention and get enraged that you are “denying” them what they feel they deserve.
Give you the silent treatment back
In an attempt to gain back control, some narcissists will mirror the silent treatment right back at you. They want you to feel as ignored and insignificant as they do in that moment, so they will stonewall you entirely. This puts the ball back in your court to break the silence if you want to communicate again. It becomes a game of who will crack first.
Bombard you with attempts at contact
On the other hand, some narcissists will go the opposite route and bombard you with repeated phone calls, texts, emails, etc. trying desperately to get your attention. This onslaught of contact is aimed at wearing you down so you have no choice but to respond. They may fluctuate between expressing anger, feigning concern, pleading for you to talk to them again – whatever they think will work.
Act overly happy and post on social media a lot
In a passive-aggressive attempt to mask their hurt feelings, some narcissists will act overly happy and upbeat when you give them the silent treatment. They will post frequently on social media about how great their life is and all the fun they are having without you. This is done intentionally for you to see how “unaffected” they are by your silence. But it is all an act to save face and make you think they don’t care.
Hoovering
Narcissists are notorious for “hoovering” – named after the Hoover vacuum for the way they try to “suck you back in” after a period of separation. They may suddenly be extra sweet, attentive and affectionate when you give them the silent treatment in an attempt to get back into your good graces. They will promise change and behave how they know you want them to – but only temporarily. Once they feel securely reconnected, the old narcissistic patterns will quickly resurface.
Play the victim
Some narcissists will use the silent treatment as an opportunity to spin the situation and play the victim. They will complain loudly to anyone who will listen about how cruelly they are being treated by your refusal to talk to them. This makes them look like the injured party just trying to make amends, while portraying you as the aggressor. It feeds their need for pity and sympathy as they recruit others onto “their side.”
Make you jealous
A common tactic narcissists use is flaunting their flirtations and relationships with others in front of you. When given the silent treatment, they will often tout their romantic prospects or brag about being seen out with someone else. This is done intentionally to provoke feelings of jealousy and envy in you, making you worried about losing them. It also serves their ego to know you still care enough to get upset.
Act depressed and suicidal
Extremely manipulative narcissists will go so far as to threaten self-harm or even suicide to get a response when ignored. They will say things like “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead” or “I can’t go on without you speaking to me.” This plays on fear and obligation – you feel like you have to break your silence to make sure they are okay. But these threats are often carefully crafted manipulation tactics rather than real distress.
Pretend everything is fine
After trying many different angles to get you to talk again, some narcissists will then switch to acting completely normal. They will carry on pleasant conversations, make plans for the future, or talk about the relationship as if nothing is wrong. This is an attempt to just brush the entire silent treatment under the rug and resume the relationship without actually addressing the underlying issues.
Conclusion
In summary, narcissists have an intense aversion to being ignored. Their exaggerated sense of self-importance makes them feel entitled to your constant time and attention. When they don’t get it, they will become very creative in their attempts to provoke a response and regain control. But it’s important to remain firm in your boundaries and not give in to their manipulation tactics. The silent treatment is often a last resort method when all else has failed, and breaking this silence too soon will only reinforce the narcissistic behavior.
| What the narcissist might do | What this achieves for them |
|---|---|
| Get angry and lash out | Provokes a response, gets attention |
| Give you the silent treatment back | Puts the ball in your court, makes you feel insignificant |
| Bombard you with attempts at contact | Wears you down until you respond |
| Act overly happy on social media | Saves face, makes you think they don’t care |
| Hoovering | Sucks you back into the relationship |
| Play the victim | Gains sympathy and support from others |
| Make you jealous | Provokes feelings of envy and insecurity |
| Act depressed or suicidal | Plays on fear and obligation |
| Pretend everything is fine | Avoids addressing real issues |
Why the silent treatment affects narcissists so strongly
There are a few key reasons why being ignored cuts a narcissist so deeply and provokes such a dramatic reaction from them:
- It threatens their fragile self-esteem which requires constant validation from others.
- It makes them feel powerless and like they have lost control over you.
- It causes them to confront suppressed feelings of shame and inadequacy.
- It means someone is rejecting their false self-image of superiority.
- It triggers their core wounds around abandonment and engulfment.
In essence, the silent treatment is like kryptonite to a narcissist. Your lack of response robs them of their Narcissistic Supply – the attention, praise and validation they need to regulate their fragile self-esteem. They go into overdrive trying to get their fix.
Is the silent treatment a good idea for dealing with narcissists?
There are pros and cons to using the silent treatment when dealing with a narcissist:
Potential pros
- It deprives them of their supply which reduces their power.
- It gives you time and space to process the relationship away from their manipulation.
- It sends a message that their behavior is unacceptable.
- It takes control away from the narcissist.
Potential cons
- It can aggravate the situation and make the narcissist act out more.
- You may feel guilty or experience hoovering manipulation.
- The narcissist may retaliate or smear you to others.
- It may be better to communicate boundaries directly instead.
Tips for using the silent treatment effectively
If you do choose to employ the silent treatment, here are some tips for using it effectively and safely:
- Set a time limit so you don’t withdraw forever.
- Prepare for escalation and have a safety plan.
- Spend time focusing on your own healing.
- Use the distance for perspective on the relationship.
- Be ready to enforce strong boundaries when contact resumes.
- Consider if going low or no contact may be a better option.
Healthy alternatives to the silent treatment
While the silent treatment may work for a short period, most mental health experts don’t recommend it as a long-term solution. Here are some healthier ways to set boundaries with a narcissist:
- Directly explain your need for space from their behavior.
- Set firm boundaries and consequences.
- Respond to unwanted contact with disengagement.
- Practice good self-care to find peace independently.
- Limit contact if needed to protect your mental health.
- Seek support through counseling or support groups.
Conclusion
When dealing with a narcissist, the silent treatment often proves ineffective long-term and can trigger retaliation or escalation. While it may offer temporary relief, direct communication, firm boundaries, and seeking support are typically healthier strategies. Taking a break from the narcissist may be warranted, but ignoring them forever simply fuels their sense of victimhood. Confronting the issues compassionately while prioritizing your own well-being is key to lasting healing.