Being gaslighted can be an extremely confusing, frustrating, and traumatic experience. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where the abuser manipulates situations and twists facts to make the victim question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband tries to convince his wife she’s insane by dimming the gas lights and telling her she’s imagining it.
If you feel you may be experiencing gaslighting, this article will hopefully provide some clarity and validation by outlining common gaslighting tactics, emotional impacts, and tips for coping and healing.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting involves the abuser denying facts, altering information, and presenting falsehoods to destabilize the victim. While gaslighting can occur in many contexts, it is most commonly experienced in interpersonal relationships like friendships, family dynamics, and romantic partnerships.
Some examples of gaslighting behavior include:
- Outright lying and denying things they previously said or did
- Discrediting your reactions as “oversensitive” or “crazy”
- Stating that your emotions/perceptions are wrong or didn’t happen
- Withholding information and stating you should have known
- Sowing self-doubt by acting concerned about your memory issues
- Isolating you from outside perspectives that would validate your experiences
The abuser may utilize these tactics in order to evade accountability, reinforce their control, or cover up misdeeds. In many cases, gaslighters are seeking to establish dominance in a relationship by undermining the victim’s confidence in their own judgment.
Common Feeling and Experiences
When subjected to repeated gaslighting over time, victims often start to feel:
- Hypervigilant about their memory and perception
- Anxious, depressed, and emotionally volatile
- Unable to trust their instincts and intuitions
- Isolated from support systems
- Trauma bonded to the abuser
Victims may replay past interactions over and over, trying to determine what was real. They may start second-guessing themselves constantly or relying on the abuser to determine their own reality. Gaslighting can make victims feel like they are going insane as their perspective becomes increasingly warped by the manipulator.
Self-Doubt and Confusion
One of the clearest signs you’re being gaslighted is consistent self-doubt about your own memories and perceptions. You may question if you misunderstood the conversation or if you’re losing your grip on reality. Even clear-cut incidents are denied, minimized, or explained away by the abuser. This deliberate distortion of reality is incredibly destabilizing.
Apologizing and Seeking Validation
Victims often find themselves excessively apologizing for wrongdoings they didn’t actually commit. They may also compulsively seek validation from the abuser and outside sources to confirm their experience. But this never brings the clarity they seek, leading to further self-doubt and dependency on the abuser.
Walking on Eggshells
To avoid further mind games and arguments, victims learn to walk on eggshells by self-censoring and moderating their behavior. But this excessive self-monitoring drains mental energy and causes anxiety. No matter how careful they are, the abuser continues twisting their words and actions.
Outbursts of Frustration or Anger
When pushed past their breaking point, victims may have outbursts of frustration or anger. But abusers use this to claim the victim is the abusive one. With no safe way to express their anguish, victims often direct anger inward in the form of depression or anxiety.
Feeling Hopeless and Stuck
Victims become so worn down by the manipulation tactics that they feel too exhausted to fight back or escape. Theymay even rationalize and defend the abuse. Without a clear sense of reality, victims feel powerless and hopeless, making them much less likely to leave.
Why Does Gaslighting Work?
Gaslighting is such an insidious form of emotional abuse because it leverages vulnerabilities in human psychology. By understanding why gaslighting techniques are so potent, victims can start reclaiming their self-trust.
Our Brains Accept Input From Authority Figures
Humans evolved to receive information from parents, elders, and leaders in our social groups. We are primed to accept “reality” from authority figures. This makes us vulnerable to anyone positioning themselves as an authority telling us what is real, including abuse perpetrators.
We Remember Things Incorrectly
Our memories are prone to gaps and errors. We unintentionally misremember details over time. Abusers leverage this human tendency by insisting a slightly distorted version of events is the truth, leading victims to distrust their own minds.
Trauma Impacts Memory Formation
During traumatic situations, people are more likely to experience dissociation, time dilation, or other cognitive impairments. Trauma also physically changes the brain’s ability to store memories. Gaslighters will seize on any memory gaps or alterations to support their fictional version of events.
We Seek Confirmation and Avoid Cognitive Dissonance
When presented with two competing “realities,” our brains will choose the path of least resistance. Victims may go along with the abuser’s version of events to avoid the mental anguish of acknowledging they were manipulated. It’s easier for the brain to justify the lie than accept they were abused.
Gaslighting Causes Identity Erosion Over Time
Our sense of self relies heavily on our life experiences and belief systems. By distorting victims’ reality, gaslighters slowly chip away at their identity. Eventually, prolonged gaslighting can make victims entirely unsure of who they are outside of the abuser’s projections.
Healing from Gaslighting – Coping Tips
Healing after gaslighting trauma takes time, but these coping strategies can help you regain a sense of self-trust and stability.
Validate Your Experiences
Counteract the gaslighting confusion by proactively validating your own emotions and perceptions. Talk to someone who believes and supports you. Keep a journal to record events and identify distorted narratives.
Seek Input from Healthy Sources
Deliberately look to positive friends, family, and professionals to corroborate your point of view. Their feedback will help “reality test” against the abuser’s false versions without having to rely solely on your own judgment.
Limit Interactions with the Gaslighter
Reduce contact with the abuser as much as possible or cut them off entirely. Interacting continually reinforces their warped narrative and sows self-doubt. Eliminating access can help your mind stabilize and recover.
Talk to a Therapist
Work with a professional counselor experienced in gaslighting and emotional abuse trauma. They can help you process the pain, gain insight into why you were vulnerable, establish healthy boundaries, and rebuild an intact sense of self.
Practice Self-Care and Stress Management
Make sleep, healthy eating, social support, and self-care activities a priority. Emotional and psychological stress influences memory and increases susceptibility to gaslighting effects. Caring for your overall well-being helps counteract this.
Trust Your Gut Instincts Again
Reconnect with your inner guidance system by mindfully listening to your intuition and bodily wisdom again. Start small with low-stakes decisions to practice relying on your gut feelings and inner knowing.
Overcoming Gaslighting Trauma
Gaslighting can take a tremendous toll, but with time and the right support, recovery is absolutely possible. Above all, be gentle with yourself. This abuse is extremely destabilizing by design. But many others have been where you are and have healed. You can rebuild an unshakeable sense of self again too. Focus on supporting your mental health and surrounding yourself with loving people you trust. You and your reality matter.
Get Help and Support
You don’t need to manage gaslighting recovery alone. These resources can help with next steps:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or chat online at thehotline.org
- Psychology Today Therapist Finder: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
- Gaslighting Survivor Support Groups: https://supportgroups.com/gaslighting
- The Gaslighting Survival Guide by Dr. Stern: https://www.amazon.com/Gaslighting-Recovery-Workbook-Healing-Emotional/dp/1646112621
You have the right to be believed and live free from manipulation. There are people ready to help light the way back to reality when you’re ready.