Stashing someone refers to keeping someone around while actively pursuing and dating other romantic options. It typically describes a situation where someone is dating multiple people at once or talking to several romantic interests, but one person is kept on the backburner in case the other options don’t work out.
What are some common signs you’re being stashed?
Here are some signs that you may be getting stashed by someone:
- They only reach out late at night or sporadically between dates with other people
- You don’t meet their friends or family members
- They avoid labeling the relationship or putting a title on it
- They go hot and cold with their interest and attention
- Dates and meetups are last minute or sporadic
- They avoid posting about you or the relationship on social media
- You don’t spend holidays or special occasions together
- You’re not invited when they make other plans or go out with groups
- Conversations stay casual and surface-level
If you notice one or more of these signs, it may indicate the person is stashing you while exploring other options. Healthy relationships require reciprocity, consistency, and both people being on the same page about what they want.
Why do people stash romantic partners?
There are a few common reasons someone might stash a romantic partner:
- Hedging bets – They want to keep their options open in case it doesn’t work out with other people. The stashed person is a backup plan.
- Fear of commitment – They have a fear of settling down or being tied to just one person so they stash someone while playing the field.
- Ego boost – Having attention and affection from multiple people satisfies their ego or need for external validation.
- Boredom – They stash people to combat boredom and always have someone giving them attention.
- Control – They enjoy the power and control that comes from manipulating multiple partners and stashing someone.
Regardless of the reason, stashing someone is unhealthy and damaging behavior. It often borders on narcissistic tendencies or commitment phobia. If you’re the one being stashed, you deserve to be with someone who is excited to be with you!
Is stashing someone the same as cheating?
While definitions vary between people and relationships, stashing is not technically the same as cheating or being unfaithful. However, stashing exhibits many unhealthy relationship habits and can be emotionally manipulative. Here’s a comparison:
Cheating
- Usually refers to physical or emotional infidelity
- Done in secret without the partner’s knowledge
- Often involves lying, sneaking around, or betrayal
- Violates agreed upon monogamy
Stashing
- No physical intimacy with multiple partners
- Primary partner is somewhat aware of other options
- Manipulates gray area of undefined relationships
- Mostly involves emotional unavailability
While stashing may not constitute outright cheating, it indicates the person is not fully invested and committed to their partner. At best, it signals lukewarm interest, and at worst, manipulative behavior.
How does stashing someone affect self-esteem?
Being stashed can take a major toll on self-esteem over time. Some of the common effects include:
- Feeling unimportant and undervalued
- Questioning your worthiness of love
- Doubting your attractiveness and desirability
- Feeling insecure and jealous of the other options
- Suffering repeated rejection when dates are cancelled
- Having your time and emotions stringed along
The inconsistent attention and hot/cold dynamic leaves the stashed person constantly chasing validation. The rejection and deception often lead to diminished self-confidence. It’s difficult to recognize your own value when someone makes you feel like a backup option.
Tips for rebuilding self-esteem after being stashed:
- Remove this person from your life so they can no longer affect your self-image
- Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself
- Practice positive affirmations and self-talk every day
- Take time to pursue your passions and talents
- Reflect on your positive qualities and past accomplishments
- Set goals to develop yourself in the way you want
- Consider therapy if your self-esteem is deeply affected
How to have a conversation with someone who is stashing you
If you recognize the signs you are being stashed, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation with the person. Here are some tips:
- Ask to speak with them at a time you can have their full attention
- Use “I feel…” statements to explain your perspective without placing blame
- Listen to their side of things and allow them to explain
- Voice your needs clearly and establish proper relationship boundaries
- Avoid ultimatums, angry outbursts or passive aggression
- If they are dismissive or unwilling to commit, it may be time to walk away
- Focus the conversation on building mutual understanding
Having this difficult conversation may help provide clarity. Either the person will realize the harm they are causing and agree to more serious commitment, or they will continue manipulative behaviors confirming it’s time to end things. Approaching it from a calm, compassionate place creates the best environment for open dialogue and positive change.
How to stop stashing your partners
If you have noticed yourself stashing romantic partners, here are some tips to change this destructive pattern:
- Examine your motivations and fears around commitment
- Cut off contact with other romantic options to focus on one person
- Have an open and honest conversation about defining the relationship
- Post about your partner on social media and invite them to meet friends/family
- Make your partner a priority for dates, holidays and special events
- Give your partner consistent attention, check in daily, not just sporadically
- Work through personal issues like fear of intimacy, narcissism or ego with a counselor
Stashing others inflicts real emotional damage. To break the cycle, commit fully to one person who receives all of your romantic energy, or stay intentionally single. Manipulating partners you keep as backups is unethical, hurtful behavior that must be stopped.
When is it time to walk away from a stashing situation?
Here are some signs it may be time to walk away if you’re being stashed:
- Your self-esteem reaches an all-time low
- You no longer feel respected or valued by them
- They continue stashing even after confronted
- They are defensive, gaslight you, or refuse to commit
- Your mental health declines due to the dynamic
- Friends/family warn you that the situation is unhealthy
- You’ve given them ample time to progress the relationship with no results
At a certain point, enough is enough. Stashing is unlikely to lead to a fulfilling relationship. Walking away shields you from further mind games, frees you to find someone who appreciates you, and reclaims your self-respect. Prioritize your well-being.
Healthy relationship habits to seek instead
If you have been stashed or are prone to stashing others, aim to cultivate these healthy habits instead:
- Honesty – Communicate openly and truthfully about your feelings and needs
- Dependability – Show up consistently and keep your word
- Maturity – Take responsibility for your actions and apologize for mistakes
- Empathy – Consider your partner’s emotions and experience
- Compromise – Meet each other halfway when possible
- Trust – Build security in the partnership so jealousy doesn’t exist
- Respect – Always honor your partner and the relationship
Choose partners who exhibit these qualities, and embody them yourself. Healthy relationships support both people in feeling valued, secure and cared for.
Conclusion
Stashing someone means continuing a relationship while actively pursuing other options as backups. It signifies non-committal, manipulative behavior that damages self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. If you are being stashed, you deserve to be someone’s first choice, not an afterthought. Walk away if conversations to define the relationship fail, and prioritize your dignity. If you catch yourself stashing, take accountability to change this harmful pattern. Nurture relationships where both people’s needs are elevated through consistent openness, trust and mutual growth.