Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. Narcissists believe they are superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But what truly drives narcissists to behave the way they do?
Theories on the Causes of Narcissism
There are several theories that attempt to explain the underlying causes of narcissistic personality disorder:
Psychodynamic Theory
The psychodynamic theory proposes that narcissism stems from early childhood experiences. Specifically, it suggests that narcissism develops as a result of excessive parental pampering, praise, and indulgence. Children who are constantly told they are “special” and “better” than others may internalize these messages and develop narcissistic traits.
Conversely, a lack of affection and praise in childhood may also contribute to narcissism as a defense mechanism. Here, the child copes with emotional neglect by constructing a grandiose false self in order to compensate for deep feelings of deficiency and insecurity.
Learning Theory
Learning theory argues that narcissism is learned over time through reinforcement. When narcissistic behavior is positively reinforced by others – such as receiving acclaim for accomplishments or attention for looks – it encourages repetition of that behavior. Narcissists learn to seek validation and bolster their egos through these means.
Neurobiological Factors
Some research suggests that narcissism may also have neurobiological causes. Narcissists tend to have hyperactivity in reward-seeking regions of the brain, which may drive their need for praise, success, and self-elevation. They also tend to have reduced connectivity in regions associated with empathy.
Additionally, one study found that narcissists have higher levels of cortisol in response to social stressors. This hormonal difference may contribute to narcissists’ hypersensitivity to criticism.
Key Motivators for Narcissists
While the roots of narcissism differ, most narcissists are driven by a few key motivators:
A Need for Excessive Admiration and Validation
Narcissists have an extreme drive to be validated by others. They seek prestige, status, awards, beauty, followers, power – anything that reinforces their sense of superiority. They crave constant signals of adoration through flattery, sexual conquests, praise, and deference. For the narcissist, these acts of admiration help regulate their self-esteem.
A Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists feel entitled to special privileges and preferential treatment. They believe they are worthy of automatic respect, success, wealth, and fulfillment, and expect these things without having to earn them. They get angry or judgmental when they feel entitled resources or status are being denied.
A Lack of Empathy
Narcissists struggle with empathy and considering other people’s perspectives or emotions. Their sense of entitlement leads them to exploit others with little regard for how their actions impact anyone but themselves. They see relationships in terms of how useful other people are for providing narcissistic supply (praise, sex, resources, etc.).
A Fragile Ego
Despite their big egos, narcissists actually have quite fragile self-esteem. Any perceived criticisms or failures can trigger intense shame, rage, and paranoia about being disrespected. Narcissists go to great lengths to forcibly reestablish their superiority in response to these perceived ego threats.
A Hunger for Control
Narcissists desire dominance and power over others. Controlling people, outcomes, and access to resources helps narcissists regulate their self-esteem through manipulation. It also satisfies their need for superiority over others.
A Lack of Self-Awareness
Narcissists generally have poor insight into their own motivations and behavior. Their egos lead them to blame external factors and other people for problems rather than accept responsibility. This unawareness means narcissists rarely seek help – they cannot perceive that anything is wrong.
Everyday Behaviors of Narcissists
These internal drives manifest in certain common narcissistic behaviors:
- Bragging and boasting about achievements or traits
- Exaggerating skills and accomplishments
- Demanding respect from others without earning it
- Requiring constant praise and compliments
- Taking advantage of others for personal gain
- Exhibiting a sense of privilege and superiority
- Monopolizing conversations
- Speaking negatively of perceived competitors
- Reacting aggressively or angrily to criticism
- Blaming others for mistakes and failures
- Wanting associations and relationships only with prestigious or high-status people
- Dismissing others’ perspectives and emotions
- Expecting favors without reciprocating
Specific Life Areas Narcissists Seek to Control
Narcissists try to maintain control and superiority in certain pivotal areas of life:
Relationships
Narcissists seek trophies in relationships to validate their ego. They leverage relationships for status, power, wealth, beauty, and prestige. Narcissists pursue shallow relationships based on early excitement rather than substantive connections.
Work and Finances
At work, narcissists constantly seek promotions, awards, prestigious projects, leadership roles, and public accolades. Regarding money, they spend lavishly on themselves and may exhibit a sense of entitlement to wealth and luxury.
Reputation and Image
Narcissists cultivate their personal brand by projecting an image of elite status, success, confidence, beauty, and talent. They demand respect without having earned it. They also react strongly to perceived slights or disrespect that may tarnish their image.
Competition
Narcissists ruthlessly compete with perceived rivals in their field to reinforce their superiority. They see relationships as zero-sum: boosting themselves up comes at the expense of tearing others down. They gloat over the failures of competitors.
Family Structures
As parents, narcissists see children as extensions of themselves rather than as individuals. They pressure children to achieve in order to vicariously inflate their own egos. In relationships, narcissists see partners as ornamental rather than as true companions.
Why Do Narcissistic Behaviors Persist?
Despite the pain it causes, narcissism is extremely difficult to treat and persists over time for a few key reasons:
- It is highly reinforced and self-perpetuating. Narcissists are rewarded for their behaviors with attention, status, praise, and power. This positive reinforcement encourages the continuation of narcissism.
- Narcissists lack self-awareness into their own destructive behaviors. Their grandiosity means they cannot perceive a problem in themselves.
- Challenging or escaping enabling environments is difficult. Family members, colleagues, businesses, and societies may unconsciously enable narcissism to continue through normalization or reward.
- There is ego fragility and addiction to narcissistic supply. Attempting to reduce narcissistic behaviors is deeply threatening to the narcissist’s fragile ego and risks cutting off their psychological “supply.”
- There are barriers to accessing care. Narcissists rarely seek help on their own due to lack of awareness. And there are challenges to receiving proper diagnosis and access to expert care.
For these reasons, narcissism can be very resistant to change. Narcissists may find ways to elicit reinforcement even when others try to withhold it. Lapses back into narcissistic behavior are common.
Can Narcissism Be Treated?
Treating narcissism is challenging but possible. Here are some key elements for successfully treating narcissism:
- Motivation to change – For therapy to be successful, the narcissist needs to consciously recognize their behaviors as destructive and commit to the difficult process of change.
- Therapeutic techniques – Therapists can employ techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, schema therapy, and narcissistic injury work to help narcissists reflect on themselves.
- Medication – Antidepressants and mood stabilizers may help ease underlying mood disorders or behavioral issues.
- Family counseling – Family therapy helps navigate enabling behaviors and improve relationships damaged by narcissism.
- Lifestyle changes – Cultivating self-care, empathy, accountability, humility, and pro-social behaviors helps manage narcissistic tendencies.
- Support system – Establishing a supportive community and network reinforces positive behaviors and self-worth beyond narcissism.
With diligent work, narcissists can learn to manage their narcissism and develop more equal, fulfilling relationships. But progress is often irregular and requires commitment, patience, and compassion.
Helpful Strategies for Coping with Narcissists
If you have a narcissistic person in your own life, here are some research-backed tips for preserving your sanity and well-being:
- Set firm boundaries around acceptable behaviors
- Disengage from attempts to make them take responsibility
- Dispel notions that you can “fix” them
- Avoid flattering or fueling their ego
- Reduce or go no contact if necessary
- Seek support through counseling or support groups
- Place your emotional energy elsewhere
- Reflect on and address your own potential enabling behaviors
The Prevalence of Narcissism in Society
There is considerable debate around whether narcissism is becoming more common in contemporary society. Here is a summary of the evidence:
| Perspective | Supporting Evidence |
|---|---|
| Narcissism is rising |
|
| Narcissism is not rising |
|
Due to limitations around narcissism assessments, more research is still needed to conclusively determine if narcissism is increasing in society. But regardless of overall prevalence, understanding and addressing narcissistic behaviors remains important.
Conclusion
Narcissism is a complex phenomenon driven by an interplay of psychological, neurobiological, and social factors. While often challenging, developing insight into what truly motivates and reinforces narcissism can help us mitigate its destructive costs to individuals, relationships, and society.