A sexless marriage is typically defined as one in which a couple has sex 10 or fewer times per year. For many men, this can have significant consequences on their mental, emotional and physical health. Some key questions around this issue include:
What percentage of marriages are sexless?
Research estimates that around 15-20% of marriages are considered sexless. The numbers may be higher than this, as some couples may be reluctant to admit they are in a sexless relationship. Men tend to report higher levels of unhappiness in sexless marriages than women.
At what point is a marriage considered sexless?
There is no definitive threshold, but many experts say that having sex fewer than 10 times per year constitutes a sexless marriage. Others argue it is less about frequency and more about sexual satisfaction. If one or both partners are unhappy with the amount of intimacy, this can signal a sexless marriage.
What causes a sexless marriage?
There are many potential causes, including:
- Mismatch of sex drives
- Erectile dysfunction
- Vaginal dryness and pain
- Exhaustion from work/children
- Lack of emotional intimacy
- Stress/depression
- Body image issues
- Infidelity
- Medications that affect libido
- Hormonal changes
- History of sexual trauma
For men, the most common causes are often mismatch in sex drives, ED, stress and lack of emotional closeness.
How a sexless marriage affects men emotionally
Men in sexless marriages frequently report many negative emotional consequences, such as:
Frustration, anger and resentment
When physical intimacy is lacking, many men feel deeply frustrated. This frustration can turn into resentment and anger towards their partner. They may feel rejected and question if their partner still finds them attractive.
Sadness and grief
Without sex, men may grieve the loss of physical closeness they once had. They may feel profound sadness around the loss of this intimacy, which can be difficult to talk about.
Loneliness and isolation
Even if other aspects of the relationship are positive, many men feel isolated when sex is taken off the table. They may feel their partner doesn’t “see” them anymore.
Insecurity and blow to self-esteem
Men often closely link their sexual performance and virility to their confidence. When sex ends, men may wonder what’s wrong with them that their partner no longer desires intimacy.
Depression and anxiety
All these feelings can combine to promote depression and anxiety in men. They may constantly worry about the relationship and feel unable to improve the situation.
How a sexless marriage affects men physically
In addition to emotional consequences, a lack of sex can impact a man’s physical health in various ways:
Increased risk of prostate cancer
Some research shows that men who ejaculate less frequently may have an increased risk of prostate cancer. This is likely because emptying the prostate gland on a regular basis is thought to reduce congestion and inflammation.
Cardiovascular implications
Having sex a couple of times per week has been linked to higher testosterone levels and lower blood pressure and risk of heart disease in men. Sexless men lose these benefits.
Lower testosterone
Testosterone, the male sex hormone, is kept in balance partially through regular sexual activity and ejaculation. Men in sexless marriages may see their testosterone levels decline.
Poorer sleep
Orgasm promotes relaxation and better sleep. Men who don’t have sex frequently may struggle with insomnia and restlessness.
Decreased life expectancy
Some studies show that men who have frequent satisfying sex tend to live longer than those who don’t. While there are many factors involved, lack of sex may be an indicator of overall health.
How lack of intimacy impacts the relationship
Beyond just the man’s health and emotions, a sexless marriage can take a toll on the relationship in various ways:
Lack of bonding and closeness
For many couples, sex is a vital way they connect and bond. Without it, emotional and physical distance often develops.
Anger and arguments
Tension, frustration and miscommunication can skyrocket when sex disappears. Many couples end up constantly fighting about the lack of intimacy.
Infidelity
Sadly, sexless marriages have a higher rate of infidelity, often by men seeking to fulfill unmet needs. Even men who were previously faithful may consider straying.
Dissatisfaction and divorce
Research shows sexless couples have a higher rate of separation and divorce. For men especially, lack of sex equates to an unhappy marriage.
Coping strategies for men in sexless marriages
If you are a man in a sexless marriage, here are some tips that may help:
Communicate openly
Have an honest dialogue with your partner about how you feel and why you think your intimacy has declined. Listen to their perspective as well.
Seek counseling
Seeing a couples counselor provides a space to share feelings and work on solutions. Sex therapy can also help in some cases.
Make time to connect
Even if you aren’t having sex, find other ways to nurture intimacy through dates, touching, and romantic gestures.
Improve your health
Take care of yourself through diet, exercise, sleep, and stress management. Boosting energy and self-esteem makes couples counseling more effective.
Practice self-care
Take time for your own hobbies, interests and friendships. Join a support group. Don’t let the situation consume you.
Explore compromises
Negotiate ways to be intimate that satisfy both partners, even if intercourse is off the table. Being flexible and creative can help.
Seek medical advice
If health issues like ED are causing problems, see a doctor to discuss treatment options. Medical solutions combined with foreplay and intimacy exercises can help.
Consider trial separation
In some cases where the situation seems unfixable, a trial separation may provide the space and perspective partners need.
Deciding when to end a sexless marriage
Many men reach a point when they must determine if they can stay in a sexless marriage, or if ending the relationship is healthier. Questions to consider include:
- Have you worked through all avenues to improve intimacy?
- Has your partner made efforts to meet your needs?
- Are you still emotionally engaged in the relationship?
- Could you be content long-term without sex?
- Do the positive aspects of your marriage still outweigh the lack of sex?
- Would divorce give you both a chance at physical and emotional satisfaction with someone else?
Every relationship is unique, so there are no definitive rules. Talking through these questions with a counselor can provide much-needed clarity.
Benefits of ending a sexless marriage
Potential benefits men can enjoy after leaving a sexless marriage include:
Chance to explore their sexuality
They have the freedom to find a partner who better matches their sex drive. Their sexuality can be expressed and fulfilled again.
Improved self-esteem
Ending constant rejection and frustration around sex can help some men regain confidence in the bedroom. Their sense of masculinity returns.
Opportunity for real intimacy
Beyond just sex, men coming out of a sexless marriage often crave true intimacy with a partner – something previously missing.
Better mental health
Without the constant tension over physical intimacy, many men find relief from depression, anger and resentment.
Healthier new relationship patterns
A new relationship allows men to assert their needs around sex and intimacy right from the start. They can break negative patterns.
Focusing on their own passions
After divorce, some men discover entirely new purposes through hobbies, friendships, career, travel, health, spirituality, and community.
Conclusion
While many sexless marriages are salvageable through counseling, sometimes splitting up is the healthiest option, especially for men. They should carefully weigh if the deprivation of intimacy is something they can truly tolerate long-term. While divorce is difficult, for some men the opportunity to feel loved, desired, confident, and sexually fulfilled again makes the painful process worthwhile in the end. With open communication, compromise, self-care, and resilience, men in sexless marriages can make the choice that’s ultimately best for their physical, mental and emotional well-being.