Love is a complex emotion that is often romanticized in books, movies, and music. When we fall in love, we experience an intoxicating mix of attachment, caring, and passion. But what happens when we try to manufacture those feelings rather than letting them develop naturally? Forcing love can lead to unhealthy relationships, resentment, and emotional damage.
Why do people try to force love?
There are several reasons why people try to force themselves to fall in love or stay in love with someone:
- Fear of being alone – Some people would rather be in an unhappy relationship than be single. They dread having to start over and try to date again, so they cling to partnerships that have lost their spark.
- Sunk cost fallacy – When you’ve been with someone for years, it’s tempting to keep trying to make it work rather than “waste” all that time spent. But staying in a bad relationship longer doesn’t erase the time already invested.
- Social or family expectations – Pressure from parents, friends, or community to settle down with someone can lead people to force themselves to commit before they’re ready. This is especially true in religious or cultural traditions with strict rules about relationships.
- Low self-esteem – People with poor self-image may not feel they deserve real, mutual love. So they latch onto partners who treat them poorly.
Rather than face the pain of a breakup or continue searching for a fulfilling relationship, it can seem easier to try to mold an incompatible partner into The One. But this rarely ends well.
Forcing a relationship breeds resentment
When you have to coerce or cajole someone into being with you, the relationship is on shaky ground from the beginning. Attempting to make someone fall in love usually backfires and creates resentment on both sides:
- The pursuer feels angry and rejected by their partner’s lack of affection. This can make the desperate attempts to force love even more frantic.
- The pursued feels pressured and controlled. They may initially go along with the relationship to avoid guilt, but built-up annoyance and feeling smothered often leads to its demise.
These negative emotions accumulate and corrode the relationship. What could have potentially been an amicable split turns into an ugly breakup. When you force love, the rejected person often looks for opportunities to make their former partner suffer for not loving them back.
Forced relationships lack healthy foundations
Relationships built on authentic love have:
- Mutual trust
- Respect
- Honest communication
- Compromise
- Shared core values
When you have to pressure someone to be with you, these key ingredients are missing. Without them, the relationship doesn’t meet the emotional needs of either partner.
Forcing yourself to stay with someone you’ve fallen out of love with also keeps you from finding a truly compatible match. You miss out on the chance to build a healthy bond if you’re fixated on an incompatible partner.
The toxicity spreads beyond the couple
A forced relationship doesn’t just impact the two people involved badly. The toxicity spreads outward too:
- Children suffer – Kids whose parents have an unhappy, resentful marriage often experience lasting emotional problems. The tension of the forced relationship shapes their skewed vision of what love should be.
- Friends and family are alienated – Coupling up with someone toxic often causes strained relationships with loved ones who can clearly see the forced relationship is unhealthy.
- Work/school life is disrupted – Obsessing over an incompatible partner can lead to slipping performance at work or school. It drains your focus and sometimes even prompts drastic steps like quitting a job.
Forcing love can ruin multiple areas of your life, not just your romantic relationships.
When is forcing a relationship acceptable?
While pressuring someone into a relationship is usually unhealthy, there are a few scenarios where working to foster love can succeed:
- The relationship started genuinely – Trying to rekindle feelings after they’ve faded in a once good relationship can work, especially if the underlying connection is still there.
- External factors created problems – Stressors like financial struggles, deaths in the family, or job changes can strain even strong bonds. Helping get the relationship dynamic back on track is wise.
- Differences are reconcilable – Fundamental disagreements about kids, religion, or monogamy are likely unworkable. But smaller conflicts of personality or habits may be fixable with effort and compromise from both people.
The key distinction is that both people originally consented to and wanted the relationship. When that foundation exists, it’s possible to rebuild love. Forcing it on an unwilling partner fails.
Healthy ways to develop love
You can’t instantly manufacture real love or commitment. Here are some healthy ways to create conditions that allow it to grow:
- Let things happen organically – Rushing intimacy often backfires. Let affection build gradually so it develops meaning.
- Communicate clearly – Discuss your desire for commitment openly without pressure or ultimatums.
- Give space – Smothering someone drives them away. Allow each other time with friends and on solo interests.
- Don’t idealize new partners – Infatuation fades. Look for substantive compatibility beyond initial attraction.
- Know when to walk away – Some matches simply lack long-term potential. Don’t waste time trying to force the unworkable.
Nurturing budding love requires patience and wisdom to know when to gently encourage growth or walk away and let feelings fade. It should feel like coaxing a delicate flower to bloom, not hammering a square peg into a round hole.
Signs it’s time to let go
How do you know when to stop trying to revive a flatlining relationship? Consider whether several of the following apply:
- Your partner avoids intimacy with excuses.
- Conversations feel stale and forced.
- You constantly bicker and can’t solve conflicts.
- The relationship feels like a chore instead of a source of joy.
- You cry more than you laugh when together.
- You disagree about major life goals like marriage or kids.
- You can’t be vulnerable and honest with each other.
The more items on this list you can check, the less likely the relationship can be salvaged. At some point you have to protect your emotional health by walking away.
How to move on from a forced relationship
Ending a failed forced relationship requires courage and self-care:
- Cut ties – Make a clean break to avoid prolonged pain or being enticed back.
- Surround yourself with supporters – Spend time with positive friends and family who boost your self-worth.
- Allow yourself to grieve – The loss of a relationship warrants mourning, even a bad one. Let the emotions flow.
- Learn the lessons – Reflect on any role you played in forcing things and make adjustments for next time.
- Be patient with yourself – Healing takes time. Don’t rush into a rebound relationship.
The end of a forced relationship is freeing. You now have space to find a love that comes naturally.
Conclusion
Forcing a romantic bond ultimately damages everyone involved. True commitment requires mutual respect, trust, and affection. While brief infatuation can be manufactured, real long-term attachment stems from compatibility and shared life goals. Be wary of anyone who professes their undying love before genuinely knowing you. Don’t let fears, sunk costs, or external pressures trap you in a toxic relationship. When things aren’t right, have the courage to walk away and keep your heart open for a love that nourishes you rather than drains you.