Skip to Content

What is a narcissistic Hoover?

A narcissistic Hoover refers to when a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) tries to suck a previous partner back into a relationship after a break-up. The term Hoovering refers to the Hoover vacuum cleaners, implying the narcissist is trying to suck the person back in. Understanding narcissistic hoovering tactics can help identify toxic relationships.

What are the signs of a Hoover?

There are several common signs that a narcissist may be hoovering a former partner or victim:

  • They suddenly reappear and contact you out of the blue after a period of silence or no contact
  • They express how much they miss you and want you back
  • They make grand declarations of their feelings or love for you
  • They promise things will be different if you give them another chance
  • They send gifts like flowers, cards, or your favorite foods
  • They post sentiments about missing you or your relationship online
  • They offer apologies or take responsibility for past wrongs
  • They suddenly need your help or advice with a problem
  • They act very warm, interested and charming when contacting you

Essentially, the narcissist will say or do anything possible to win you over emotionally so you let them back into your life. They prey on your good-natured instincts to give second chances.

Why do narcissists Hoover?

There are a few key reasons why narcissists hoover former partners after a breakup:

  • They feel in control when they know you still care for them or want their approval
  • They need constant validation and attention from others in relationships
  • They become lonely when they are single and lack other sources of supply
  • They crave the positive, intimate feelings you once provided
  • They want access back into your life and control over you
  • They perceive being dumped as embarrassment and want to save face

In essence, hoovering allows the narcissist to re-establish their sense of power and feed their ego. Having access to you again validates their sense of superiority and charm.

Hoovering Tactics Used by Narcissists

Narcissists use a variety of tactics and methods to hoover former partners back into relationships. Some of the most common include:

Love Bombing

Love bombing involves showering you with excessive affection, praise, gifts, and promises for the future early in the relationship. After the breakup, the narcissist may love bomb you again to manipulate your emotions so you give them another chance.

Feigning Change or Remorse

Narcissists are masters of deception and faking. During a hoover, they will pretend to have seen the error of their ways, be remorseful for past hurts, and promise to change going forward. This can be compelling, but is almost always an act.

Threats and Fear

If flattery and promises don’t work, some narcissists will turn to threats, tantrums, and intimidation. They may threaten everything from self-harm, smearing your reputation, or leaking your personal information online.

Triangulation

Triangulation involves using a third party to hoover you back in. They may use a mutual friend or family member to convey how much the narcissist loves and misses you, hoping you will open back up to them.

Intermittent Reinforcement

This involves providing occasional positive reinforcement on a random basis to keep you hooked. After the breakup, they may sporadically text you sweet nothings or reminisce on past happy times together hoping you will cling to those memories.

Social Media Posts

Some narcissists will hoover by posting quotes, songs, photos, or inside jokes on social media that they know you will see. This tugs at the heartstrings and evokes nostalgia for the relationship.

Showing Up Unannounced

In extreme cases, the narcissist may show up where they know you will be, acting warm and enthusiastic and using the element of surprise to manipulate you into giving them another chance.

Why You Should Avoid Narcissistic Hoovers

While hoovering can be powerfully compelling, it’s important to avoid getting sucked back into the dysfunctional cycle with a narcissist. Here’s why:

  • Their affection, remorse, and promises of change are conditional and temporary.
  • They did not respect your boundaries or wishes when you broke up.
  • They are acting in self-interest, not because they genuinely care about you.
  • The same abuse and toxicity of the prior relationship will quickly resurface.
  • It will undermine your self-confidence and self-respect over the long-term.
  • The narcissist views the hoover as a conquest and ego boost.
  • It enables their sense of power over you.

While appropriately grieving the loss of the relationship is normal, avoid serious consideration of reconciliation unless the narcissist shows legitimate, consistent behavioral change over an extended period of time – which is rare.

How to Respond to Hoovering Tactics

If faced with a narcissistic hoover, here are some tips to respond in a healthy, empowering way:

  • Avoid reacting emotionally or impulsively – take time to consider your response.
  • Politely establish firm boundaries if contacting you.
  • Avoid getting drawn into explaining why you don’t want further contact.
  • Don’t accept gifts – return them or donate them.
  • Document any harassing communications as evidence.
  • Lean on close friends or a therapist for reality-checking the situation.
  • Reflect on your self-worth, values, and desire for healthy relationships.
  • Direct your energy into self-care and正 personal growth activities.
  • Change your routine and social media if being stalked or harassed.
  • Involve law enforcement if you ever feel unsafe or threatened.

Practicing strong boundaries and emotional self-control keeps you empowered. Avoid further engaging or arguing with a hoovering narcissistic ex whenever possible.

Signs You Should Reconsider Reconciliation

In some rare cases, a formerly narcissistic partner may genuinely change for the better with extensive therapy. Signs this may be the case include:

  • They give you plenty of physical and emotional space post-breakup.
  • They consistently take full accountability for past toxic behaviors.
  • They work with a counselor to get help and make amends.
  • They learn to define your needs and feelings apart from their own.
  • They practice honest, respectful communication over an extended time.
  • They adopt compassionate relationship habits like compromise.
  • You observe their behavioral improvements verified by others as well.

If many months go by with clear, patiently consistent change, it may be appropriate to consider reconciliation carefully. Proceed slowly and cautiously to verify real transformation.

Getting Support for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Healing from narcissistic abuse and hoovering can be challenging, but support is available. Here are some options:

  • Seek professional counseling or therapy from an abuse specialist.
  • Join a support group – many exist both locally and online.
  • Read books by experts on recovering from narcissistic relationships.
  • Open up to trustworthy friends and family who can empathize.
  • Write about your experiences – this can be very cathartic.
  • Practice self-care daily – eat well, exercise, and engage in relaxing activities.
  • Try mind-body practices like meditation, yoga, or tai chi to reduce stress.

With time, education, and the right support, healing and reclaiming your self-confidence after narcissistic abuse is absolutely possible.

Conclusion

Narcissistic hoovering can be extremely disorienting and emotionally taxing. But arming yourself with knowledge of their tactics and motivations can help you avoid getting re-ensnared in the manipulation. Place priority on loving yourself fully, upholding your boundaries, and seeking support. You will move forward into healthier relationships.