Quick Answer
A person who always has to be in control can be described as having a controlling personality. This type of person feels a strong need to make all the decisions, dictate how things should be done, and keep strict control over people and situations. Some key traits of a controlling personality include:
- Desire for power and authority
- Need to impose their will on others
- Resistance to outside suggestions or changes
- Rigid, inflexible thinking and behavior
- Micromanaging tendencies
While a controlling personality can indicate an underlying issue like low self-esteem, trust issues, or the need to compensate for powerlessness in the past, it often stems from deep-seated insecurities and fears of losing control. Controlling people have difficulty relinquishing power and struggle to cope with unpredictability or ambiguity. They fiercely guard their domain of authority and expertise, and feel threatened by challenges to their control. Overall, an excessive need for control indicates difficulties with healthy interpersonal relationships, flexibility, and self-regulation.
What Causes a Controlling Personality?
There are several potential root causes of a controlling personality:
Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem
Controlling tendencies often arise from deep-seated insecurities and fragile self-esteem. Those with low self-worth depend heavily on external validation and control over people and situations to feel secure. Exerting extreme control provides a sense of predictability and order that helps compensate for internal doubts and fears. However, this strategy inevitably backfires, perpetuating insecurity and dysfunctional behavior.
Trust Issues
People with controlling personalities frequently have severe trust issues rooted in childhood experiences. For example, growing up with inconsistent, negligent, or authoritarian parents can spark fears of abandonment. As a result, these individuals find it very difficult to rely on others or cede control in relationships. They resort to manipulation and coercion to avoid being hurt or betrayed again. Unfortunately, this erodes healthy trust.
Need for Perfectionism
Perfectionists have an acute need for order, precision, and impossibly high standards. Their rigid thinking makes them insist on doing things their way and micromanage others’ work. Perfectionists deeply fear failure, criticism, and imperfections. Maintaining strict control provides a facade of perfection that masks fragile self-worth. However, perfectionism inevitably backfires, causing extreme stress and relationship conflicts.
Past Powerlessness
In some cases, controlling behavior compensates for past powerlessness. For example, someone who grew up with authoritarian parents might become similarly controlling later in life. This provides a sense of authority and security they couldn’t exercise before. However, overcompensation ultimately leads to strain in relationships and wellbeing.
Rigid Thinking
Cognitive inflexibility is a hallmark of controlling personalities. They cling stubbornly to plans, rules, and traditional ways of operating. Any deviations provoke intense anxiety. While some structure provides comfort, overly rigid thinking prevents adapting to changes. Trying to control the uncontrollable inevitably increases frustration and stress.
Signs of a Controlling Person
There are many behavioral signs that indicate a controlling personality:
1. Micromanaging and Criticism
Controlling people micromanage every detail and must be consulted before any decisions. They frequently criticize others’ work and demand changes to meet their standards. Micromanagers have trouble delegating meaningfully because they don’t trust people to do things “right.”
2. Resistance to Feedback
While lavishing criticism freely on others, controllers reject any critique in return. Challenging their expertise or authority elicits defensiveness. Controllers see valid feedback as attacks or insubordination. Their rigid thinking resists integrating others’ suggestions for improvement.
3. Dictating Relationships
Controlling people tightly regulate relationships by imposing stringent “rules.” They demand partners limit outside friendships and activities. Controllers feel entitled to monitor phones, social media, emails etc. to enforce compliance. They use threats, guilt-tripping, and anger to dominate their partners.
4. Black-and-White Thinking
Controllers view the world in absolutes – their way or the wrong way. Nuance and compromise don’t fit their rigid cognitive style. They reject different opinions and perspectives, insisting on homogeneous beliefs and behavior. This fosters a toxic environment where dissenters get bullied or excluded.
5. Needing to Win Arguments
Debating or challenging a controlling person’s views invokes defensiveness. Losing face might compromise their fragile self-image and authority. So controllers argumentatively beat others into submission, employing irrational logic. For them, being right trumps constructive conflict resolution. This destroys healthy communication.
6. Resisting Change
The prospect of change makes controllers deeply uneasy. They cling to traditional methods and structures that support their sense of security and power. Controllers refuse to adapt or innovate, undermining growth. When change is unavoidable, they dictate the terms to preserve their dominance. This rigidity can doom organizations.
7. Strict Adherence to Rules
Controllers create regimented policies and procedures for everything. While structure has value, controllers implement bureaucratic red tape that hinders efficiency. Furthermore, they hold everyone but themselves to compulsive rule-following. This breeds resentment and loophole exploitation that can defeat the original purpose.
| Behavioral Signs | Psychological Motivations |
|---|---|
| Micromanaging others | Doubting others’ competence |
| Rejecting criticism | Fragile self-esteem |
| Dictating relationships | Trust issues and insecurity |
| Black-and-white thinking | Cognitive inflexibility |
| Needing to win arguments | Fear of losing authority |
| Resisting change | Discomfort with unpredictability |
| Strict rule enforcement | Need for sense of control |
Negative Effects of a Controlling Personality
The controlling personality type tends to have many damaging interpersonal, psychological, and organizational consequences, including:
Strained Relationships
Constant criticism, lack of trust, dictating “rules”, and resistance to feedback creates painful relationship dynamics. Partners of controllers often feel belittled, insecure, resentful, and frustrated. This breeds conflict, emotional distance, and deterioration of intimacy and respect.
Psychological Harm
The targets of controlling behavior often suffer blows to their self-esteem, confidence, and autonomy. Always having their actions questioned and dictated can diminish self-worth and independence. Psychological control tactics like guilt-tripping also inflict emotional trauma.
Loss of Competence and Motivation in Subordinates
Micromanagement severely undermines employees’ abilities and inspiration. When subordinates must constantly defer to the controller, they become unsure of their own judgement and skills. This stifles learning, growth, and task mastery.
Organizational Dysfunction
Controllers’ rigid views and resistance to innovation makes it difficult for organizations to adapt and keep up with change. Their authoritarian style also discourages creative problem-solving, cooperation, and responsibility in workers. This reduces organizational effectiveness and health.
Increased Stress and Anxiety
The unrelenting need for power and control is mentally taxing for both controllers and their victims. Walking on eggshells in an authoritarian environment becomes exhausting. The drive for perfection also breeds unhealthy stress and anxiety. This deteriorates mental health and wellbeing over time.
Rebellion and Resentment
The more controlling people clamp down, the more likely rebellion becomes. Dictatorial styles fosters anger, defiance, and exploitation of loopholes among subordinates. This resistance then amplifies the controller’s authoritarian tactics, creating a vicious cycle of dysfunction.
Lack of Authenticity
Controllers strain to present perfectionistic facades. Admitting uncertainty, faults, or humanity would undermine their projected authority. This prevents authentic interpersonal connections. The secrecy and pretense damages relationships and controllers’ self-esteem.
Coping with a Controlling Person
It is challenging to have a healthy relationship with a controlling personality. Some constructive coping methods include:
Set Clear Boundaries
Assert your limits firmly yet calmly. Make it clear which decisions are yours alone to make in a relationship or team role. Refuse unreasonable demands. Stick to enforcing boundaries, not just stating them.
Focus on Changing Yourself, Not the Controller
You cannot force someone else to change. Accept that the controller likely acts from deep-seated insecurity and work on your own responses. Stay composed when they try manipulating you through anger, criticism etc.
Communicate Your Needs
Controllers steamroll others’ needs. But clearly and regularly articulating your preferences is essential. Say “I feel disrespected when my decisions are overridden,” not “You’re so controlling!” Use a lot of “I/me” statements to avoid provoking defensiveness.
Pick Your Battles
Confronting every unreasonable demand will exhaust you. Discern which control issues impact you most severely. Focus on redirecting these through boundaries and communication. Let smaller battles go to preserve your energy.
Know You Can’t Control or Change Someone
Detachment helps you tolerate controllers’ behaviors with less emotional investment. Recognize you cannot eliminate their deep insecurities fueling their need for control. Work on accepting what you cannot change.
Get Support
Friends, family, and professionals like counselors provide invaluable reality-checks, coping strategies, and reassurance when dealing with controlling personalities. They can help you see clearly and strengthen yourself.
Consider Ending Unsalvageable Relationships
In some cases, sufficiently toxic relationships with controlling people cannot improve. Continuing connection might enable harmful behavior. If therapy and other tactics fail, the healthiest decision may be to detach entirely.
Helping a Controlling Person Change
It is extremely difficult to get a controlling personality to relinquish their compulsive need for power. But if you want to support their growth, some options are:
Lead by Example
Model the flexible, collaborative leadership you want to see. When controllers witness success, they may start questioning their overly rigid methods. But forcing prescribed solutions will backfire – let them observe what they could do differently.
Appeal to Logic and Data
Emotionally charged tactics like appeals to fairness often fail with controllers. Cite logical arguments, objective data, and factual examples of how relinquishing control could work better. Align with their analytical side.
Reframe Control as a Weakness
Controllers see their authoritarian behavior as strength. But discuss how feeling compelled to make every decision and micromanage actually reveals deep uncertainty, not confidence. Reframe control as a cover for fragility.
Develop Insight Into Their Fear
What terrifies the controller about losing control? Help them reflect on the root insecurities driving their behavior. Developing emotional awareness starts the journey towards change. But insist they get professional help too.
Set Gradual Change Goals
Like any habit, control issues require gradual unwinding. Agree on small incremental steps like tolerating one change suggestion a week. Don’t expect an overnight overhaul of ingrained behaviors. Measure progress in milestones.
Enforce Limits on Manipulation
Verbal abuse, guilt-tripping etc. must cease immediately, even if control issues take time to overcome. Leave conversations where manipulation persists. Maintain zero tolerance for bullying and emotional abuse while supporting gradual change.
Walk Away When Needed
You cannot force someone to change. If controllers remain completely resistant despite consistent reinforcement of boundaries and incentives, it may be healthiest to let go. Protect your emotional wellbeing above all else.
Conclusion
In summary, an excessive need for control stems from psychological issues like insecurity and cognitive inflexibility. Controlling personalities seek to dictate every detail to compensate for inner fears and powerlessness. But their authoritarian behaviors severely damage relationships, subordinates’ competence and autonomy, organizational success, and mental health. Compassionate detachment, enforced boundaries, gradual incentivization of change, and walking away when necessary are the best ways to cope with and potentially help controllers overcome these deep-seated issues. Consistent reinforcement and professional help provide the only avenues for instilling lasting change in their need for control.