A sexless marriage is typically defined as a marriage in which the spouses have sex less than 10 times per year. The lack of physical intimacy causes distress for at least one partner and can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, resentment, or temptation to seek intimacy outside the marriage. While the definition refers to sex specifically, many sexless marriages also lack other forms of physical affection such as hugging, kissing, or cuddling.
How common are sexless marriages?
Research estimates that around 15-20% of all marriages are sexless. This includes both long-term married couples whose sex lives have dwindled over time, as well as couples who struggled with a lack of sex from the beginning. The incidence seems to be rising – one study found that the share of sexless marriages doubled between the 1990s and 2000s. However, the true number may be even higher than statistics indicate, as many couples are reluctant to admit they are in a sexless relationship due to embarrassment or taboo.
What causes a sexless marriage?
There are a variety of possible causes for a decline in sexual activity between spouses:
- Physical health problems – Illness, injury, chronic pain, and side effects of medication can all affect libido.
- Mental health problems – Conditions like depression, stress, and anxiety frequently interfere with desire for sex.
- Emotional disconnect – Lack of communication, built up resentment, or unresolved conflicts can diminish intimacy.
- Mismatch in desire – Differences in natural sex drives between partners can be difficult to reconcile.
- Infidelity – An affair can severely damage the betrayed partner’s ability to be vulnerable and engage in sex.
- Body image issues – Struggles with weight, aging, and attractiveness can negatively impact desire.
- Sexual dysfunction – Erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness and pain contribute to avoiding sex.
- Prioritizing children – Couples with kids may put their energy into parenting rather than their relationship.
- Technology distractions – Devices and screens in the bedroom can get in the way of connection.
Often it is a combination of physical obstacles and emotional disconnection at play. The lack of sex is typically a symptom, not the root cause of issues in the marriage.
At what point is a sexless marriage cause for concern?
It’s normal for the frequency of sex to fluctuate over the course of a long-term relationship, depending on what else is happening in life. Occasional “dry spells” of a month or two shouldn’t cause alarm. However, if sex consistently drops to 10 times or fewer per year, this points to an intimacy issue that likely needs addressing. If the lack of sex persists for an extended period of time – months or years – and makes one or both partners unhappy, this indicates the marriage is headed down an unhealthy path.
How does the absence of sex affect a marriage?
Living in a sexless marriage can have serious consequences, including:
- Lower life satisfaction – Sexual expression is linked to general well-being and happiness.
- Increased stress – A mismatch in sexual needs frequently causes frustration.
- Poor communication – Partners withdraw from each other and conversation suffers.
- Resentment – The low-desire spouse feels pressured, the high-desire spouse feels rejected.
- Loneliness – The emotional intimacy of sex is missed.
- Infidelity – Deprivation may motivate one spouse to cheat.
- Divorce – Lack of physical intimacy is a common reason marriages end.
Additionally, sexless marriages model an unhealthy relationship dynamic for any children in the family. The toll on a marriage can be significant when sexual intimacy disappears.
Is living in a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?
Lack of sex alone is rarely suitable grounds for divorce, from a legal perspective. However, when the sexless state of a marriage causes damage like infidelity, substance abuse, neglect, or abuse – which then provide evidence of an “irretrievably broken” marriage – the absence of sex can be relevant to divorce proceedings and settlement.
More importantly, while divorcing specifically due to a sexless marriage may not stand up in court, for many couples the lack of physical intimacy is representative of deeper issues. If both spouses are unhappy and unwilling to work toward improving intimacy, divorce may be the best option.
How to cope when you’re in a sexless marriage
If you find yourself living in a sexless marriage but hope to avoid divorce, here are some tips to improve the situation:
- Seek help – See a doctor, sex therapist, or marriage counselor – don’t just accept the situation.
- Communicate – Have honest discussions about your needs and work to rebuild emotional and physical intimacy.
- Compromise – Be prepared to meet half way rather than insisting on your desired frequency of sex.
- Make time – Set aside time to be romantic together, without distractions and phones.
- Initiate – If you want sex, initiate it, rather than waiting for your spouse to start.
- Flirt – Lightheartedly build sexual tension to make sex appeal more enticing.
- Exercise patience – Reigniting a stalled sex life takes time.
Addressing any underlying relationship issues, resentment, or personal hang-ups is crucial for reconnecting. With commitment from both spouses, couples can recover intimacy in a sexless marriage – but it does require effort.
When to accept a sexless marriage
In some circumstances, accepting a sexless marriage may be the healthiest option. These include:
- If one partner has a physical disability or chronic illness that makes sex prohibitively difficult or impossible.
- If both partners have compatible low libidos and are content with little or no sex.
- If efforts to address problems have failed over an extended time and both spouses agree further intervention would not be helpful.
- If one partner identifies as asexual while the other does have sexual desires, but is not distressed by the lack of activity.
As long as both partners are open and honest about their needs and feelings regarding intimacy, and neither feels deprived or resentful, a sexless marriage can survive happily.
Conclusion
Experts define a sexless marriage as one in which sex occurs fewer than 10 times per year – much less frequently than in most healthy relationships. This issue affects approximately 15-20% of married couples. There are diverse causes ranging from medical problems to emotional disconnect. While the occasional dry spell is normal, an enduring lack of sex tends to create unhappiness and instability in marriages. It can be overcome with mutual understanding and effort, but may also need professional help through counseling or therapy. In some cases, after much consideration, couples may decide to accept a sexless marriage if it accommodates both of their needs.